I feel okay

 You know it's day by day with me. I know the trigger is other people, so if I ever want to live a stress-less life, I know I have to manage my human interactions.

For the most part, it's what I've been working on the last 5 years or so. Then pandemic emptied my human reservoir and I've been going on a bit of a bender. There will be some normalization soon.

Anyway, Sunday seemed so insurmountable. I couldn't see straight. All over a boy and some text messages. How silly! 

I did delete 2 apps that I wasn't using much but decided to give myself 1 week to calm down and see if I really wanted to delete the final two. Japple is likely going to be unresponsive.

I really really want to promise myself to at least ask the Mormon if he wants to be exclusive before I completely dip out of dating for awhile but Old Me doesn't think I can handle the rejection. But we have to have progress because Mean Brain will beat me up and confuse me if I don't ask.

So instead of asking on Sunday, I just took his call and decided to try to fade in the background for the week. It ended kind of neutrally.

Then he texted last night, kinda late. I was so surprised and a little happy, I responded. We messaged for about half an hour before my bedtime. Mean Brain said it felt a little like maybe he wasn't getting attention on the apps and I was a consolation.

I said I wish you were here when he sent a kissy-face emoji. 

Ideally, I'd like to go up there this weekend and hangout with all our clothes on. I want to go on a date Friday night, but sleep at my aunt's house and then hang out again Saturday in public. I want to have a conversation about being exclusive and pursuing something serious. Then and only then would I feel comfortable letting him come visit and stay. 

Ideally, he'd initiate the conversation about hanging out this weekend by today. If not, I think I will.

Other than that, it's a good day. I'm meeting with my mentor (blech). I submitted my document (yay!). 

I had a bacon and egg biscuit.

And oh, yeah FIRE.

I really keep mentally starting a post on my FIRE journey but haven't written anything down. For the first few years, it was just so much about survival that now that I'm on the other side and my job is manageable, it's like I haven't fully appreciated the struggle. 

I just need new goals. Because it turns out a lot of my goals were tied up in my FIRE journey.

I just knew I'd struggle, reach FIRE, quit my job, and prepare to live and die in solitude.

I didn't have any idea what the psychological impact of FIRE would be. I'm still trying to process.