Things never really get better, do they?

 I remember a few years back when more and more teens were coming out of the closet there were a few ads that promised,"it gets better." I remember laughing then as I do now. Stop setting those kids up for disappointment. I've always felt at least in my life, nothing ever actually gets better. You just get callused from the perpetual beat downs that you stop feeling things as deeply. 

Who wants to live a callused life.

So I tried feeling my feelings like the therapists say, and let me tell you it sucks. I'm here for the people who want to bury feelings deep, deep down inside. The ones who never smile. The ones who push everyone away and keep everyone out. They know what's up. 

In the name of secret love, I had a colleague reach out to Mormon boy over LinkedIn because maybe, just maybe there were some feelings there. I got the good ole thanks, but no. Wow. I don't know why it stings. Maybe it completely eliminates Secret Love - my familiar foe. It's just a boy, MERJ, stop acting like it's the end of the world. 

I think I just get confused that I fall for boy words EVERY SINGLE TIME. EVERY TIME. And it's never true. My feelings are rarely what I feel in that instant and never again. If I'm feeling a feeling, I've felt it before and will feel it again. 

So yesterday, I was so sure I'd found my way out of the fog, but today I'm hurdling right back into it. 

Over a boy. Over a boy I only knew for 2 weeks.

I'd love to say this feels different. That we were in love. I saw him as the father of my kids. Well the third one maybe superficially. But these things aren't true. I think I'm just confused that a man would rather be alone than be with me. Like - I know I'm not that bad so it just doesn't make sense. That after being single for 40 years, he still wouldn't choose me. 

It's not quite a failure that I got this wrong, yet again, but more...what is the game we're playing here? 

Of course, I immediately want to cancel my April volunteer event and costly May trip. After all they're just collateral from this dating debacle. I don't want to be reminded of any of this. 

I'm almost tempted to go to Maryland anyway this weekend.

But then I remember I don't really like my family all that much and I don't really like the DC area much either. So yeah, I said it. I don't have any close friends, well any friends at all really. And I don't like my family that much. 

I don't like where I live and I don't like my house or my neighborhood.

But I am more affirmed that I need to cut my losses with dating before I fall so deep in this despair filled hole that I can't find my way back out. 

All I want to do today is get through this meeting and be left alone.

I might go do my returns at Walmart. 

And then life goes on.

In happy news, we got paid today! Or at least I did. Two days early.