Imagining my Life Solo

 The plan was always to do it solo, then my aunt died expectedly and I reached FIRE early, unexpectedly.

Both of those things have impacted my wanting to do any other part of my life solo. Or maybe I'm just trying to glom on to the next goal. 

I don't know what it is but I can't seem to reset back to my melancholy self. Maybe because this time I might just end things.

Dating definitely doesn't make me happy, but I don't like the option of not having anyone. Every time I switch my location back to my actual area on Hinge, my face wrinkles up in disgust. What is the message here? I think I am still looking for someone to rescue me.

Without fail, after removing the 2 most recent cancer-dates from my line of sight, it's all I thought about all weekend. I almost immediately wanted to find a way to contact both of them. But I've always been right about these things. And even if I haven't been, I have to believe I have. Nearing 40, it's hard to fall for my own tricks. 

But this was always going to be my life. As much as I'm trying to relate dating to pursuing FIRE, it's just not the same for me. I think dating for me would be like pursuing Fat FIRE. I don't live a FAT life to begin with so trying to get an even higher paying job to cash flow a higher cost of living is giving me anxiety just thinking about it.

A Lean FIRE life at 20k/year is the best I can do given my personal limitations. And unfortunately a lean social life is the best I can do given my personal limitations. I'd like to make it to 20 years, but I doubt I will.

Going the last 2 days with a ping-free existence was deafening. I felt like the silence was just going to swallow me up. This is really how it ends for me? What was it all for?

Then I remember my Base Model House, my Gold Tooth, my past Shaved Head, My Wombless Body, my Hood Adjacent Neighborhood and I'm not shocked. These are all battle scars of a future that was already known. I deserve to be earned, my thirteen year old self whispered to me. I knew this 20+ years ago, but the price was always too high. 

Please bury me with my money. 

It's a month to the day since I turned 38. I shouldn't even be in this head space. This "lack" has totally clouded reaching this 4 year goal! I freaking reached FIRE, world! And who is there to celebrate me? No one. Does it make the achievement any less special, honestly yeah. People are there to remind you of your beatdowns, but who was there to ring the bell when I crossed that finish line. 

I can't decide if it's worth driving the 90-100 miles to volunteer at the state tournament this year. I have nothing else to do, but what's my metric these days? What bucket does that fall into?