Leaky Eyes and Leaky Spending

 I thought I was doing well, but the tears are back.

I don't think I can go to church without crying because God didn't keep his promises.

I can't imagine a God made out of love, for love, and creates in love would leave even one of his children so desperate for love. That makes no sense.

What is the lesson here.

Nothing I've ever cried over or worked hard for tastes better or feels better or is more appreciated because I had to do without it. Not one thing.

I'm mourning the loss of a dream. I'm mourning the loss of my last hope of any one piece of the life I dreamed of.

People from the country don't dream, that one documentary said.

I guess some girls don't get to have all their dreams either. They take their slice of bitter pie and pretend to be satisfied. For who will rescue me. Who will say, stop, you've suffered enough. 

So I tried to be productive.

I sewed up a bag I want to use on an upcoming hike to transport water and things. I found a tanktop I want to wear under my jersey since it's too hot to wear a full t-shirt underneath my jersey at games.

I made some returns at Walmart and then decided to go ahead and buy 2 trashcans for the house. So, now I have a trashcan upstairs and second kitchen trashcan. #LifestyleCreep

I'm still trying to figure out what metric I can use to make decisions. Frugality is still a theme but it's kind of in the background. My budget already dictates that so even if I'm spending a little more frivolously, I only have access to a set amount of funds. 

So if it makes me happy isn't really a metric because that's a never ending sinkhole. 

Other ideas:

- Will it help me survive just one more day?

- No trappings of secret love?

- Will it get me out of the house?

- Will it cause me feelings of anxiousness?

Should I let Satan finish the job. What's the fastest way to spend all this money and just be done with it all. Really, what else is there?