Some Tuesday Evening Thoughts

 It is already a balmy Tuesday evening in early spring. Quite a lot of mental moves today. Right now I feel good. I am leading a meeting tomorrow that was stressing me out and I have a few agenda topics, so that should help. Phew.

I finished with enough time to get a hamburger and fries and a cold drink from McDs but stayed on the phone much too long with a colleague.

That's okay. I think that will be ending soon.

I feel good. Having this task done has released some feel good endorphins. Yay, thanks, God!

I don't think I cried much since 12noon.

I, of course, did write out many plans.

In my plans to escape to a 3 month sabattical for about $3k, I ended up booking an AirBnB for about 5 days in May to a nearby mountain retreat.

It was the easiest to book and I have until the day before to cancel. Perfect!

I wanted to get away and do it fast. I knew the planning and clicking was going to be the death of me, so AirBnB suggested Boone, NC and I went for it. 

I think the trip was around $800 and even better they have a Pay Some Now, Pay Some Later so I didn't have to worry about taking a huge sum out of my checking account. It's almost like paying with a credit card. I should have nearly 2 paychecks by the time the full amount is due. I might even have my tax refund by then! 

So not the most optimized trip, but I was in survival mode...again.

No worries, that's what money is for! Keep me alive - first and foremost!!! 

That helped, just to book it, and pay for it. And I also have escape hatches should I change my mind.

So yes, while not the exotic locale nor the getaway out of this state, it helped my mental state.

Next I decided to go ahead and sign up to volunteer next weekend with the science competition. I think that will count as my April event and the Boone trip will count as my May event. Yay, so my $300 hairstyle won't all be for naught!

For the Volunteer event, my hope is to treat myself to the chinese buffet with crab. I'll be paying full price for dinner and weekend price. Yikes!

And for the May trip, my hope is to go out for lunch or a meal daily, hopefully walking and also take an afternoon stroll daily. I think I might use 1 PTO day for the drive back since it's a weekday. 

I like this because it's a little taste of pre-retirement.

So yes, I think I'm just trying to recalibrate and really enjoy this pre-retirement stage. I'm grateful. 

I decided to let Easter be a renewal of spirit for me as well. Cut my lossess and save my life. I want to restore my soul. So I'm hanging up my love-card. The pure, perfect love my soul yearns for is probably not biblical anyway. I'll await it in heaven. Where everything is pure and perfect.

That's all I'll say for now. I'm giving myself from now to after my May trip to washout of that loss mindset. I want to get back to my solo life. 

Even these day long chats with my colleague will need to taper off. I need to work on my emotional resilience. Her life is getting bigger and I don't need to be burdening anyone with my trifles. God was always supposed to be enough but my aunt's death just seemed so unbearable that I couldn't hold myself up anymore. So I ended up with people in my life that are tricky to keep at best. 

I'm still holey (as in filled with holes), but that's just who I am now. 

Some other money stuff

- Although tempted to keep the new pairs of tennis shoes I bought, I'm returning the one that doesn't fit as well with socks because let's be honest although I tried to jump start my social life, that wasn't actually the reality. So one will be returned.

- On the advice of the internet, I tried to get a quote from Thumbtack and Taskrabbit to install my ceiling fan. One guy quoted me $400 and I never got a response from anyone else. I was thinking this was like a $50 job. Lowe's is charging about $150, but I'm hoping I can get them to do 2 fans for that price. So that's on my agenda.

- I'm half thinking of getting a housecleaner, but that's TBD.

- And I want to get a second trash can for the kitchen. Big money! 

Other than that, I think I'm going to pause my dating profile this weekend sometime and then fully delete it before or after my May trip. The shop is closed! 

There is still a part of me that wants to move and start again, just not sure where. 

I don't think chasing happiness can be the goal. Since survival is my objective, then maybe physical and emotional safety have to be at the top of my priority list. What does that look like?