So how do I track my mental expenditure

 I'm sure I've said this story many times, but one of the things that helped sparked my financial independence journey is seeing the sidebar on my Bill Pay for my upcoming expenses. I realized I could easily pay my monthly bills with 1 paycheck. Mind blown. Yes, I had extra money in my account every month that was just accumulating. But seeing that tally was especially impactful.

I guess I'm just a sums girl. I like culminating events and data. 

I'm trying to figure out how I can use my success with FIRE in inter-personal relationships.

Primarily dating. 

I don't know what the objective is.

How can I track my mental expenditure and cut out what's no longer adding value either to my life or to my process.

If I can just craft a formula, I am hoping that will help me from these psychological mood swings.

I've enlisted the help of a therapist, so that's something. But I've been afraid to ask her for specific dating advice because I'm not sure if that's within her purview. 

Some of the rules I have so far in dating are the 3 phone calls from people I meet on the app. Then I created a spreadsheet to try to track my progress and limit my exposure to nonsense.

It doesn't feel like it's enough.

Or maybe this is the boring, hurtful middle.

One benefit (although I loathe it) of tracking all my negative feelings is that a year later I can see wow I really felt like giving up every second of the way, and oh, it really was hard. And oh, I really was alone. But reaching my FIRE milestone was 100% worth it no matter how much it hurt. It's like the hurt doesn't matter once you have the prize.

That being said, I'm having trouble extrapolating life lessons. I kinda threw everything at my FIRE goal - remember trying to monetize my blog, remember my side hustle, remember the 100+ job applications and subsequent rejections that made me question living at all.

I can't figure out how to streamline and optimize that process to reap the benefits without ALL the heartache. Because right now it feels like I'm throwing everything at my dating goal - prayer, family members praying, online dating apps, virtual speed dating, getting social. 

Online dating feels like the 100+ job applications. That didn't end up working. It's giving me a lot of heartache and anxiety, so I know that probably needs to go. But I know the thing that helped me accelerate my journey was getting a job at my current company and that was through a mutual friend. And my 4 years of actual experience. I think there's a lesson here that I haven't fully reflected or realized.

I do think I'm doing the same thing with dating as I did with interviewing, let me just apply just one more time because what else can I do? I have most of the qualifications, and this time I'll get the interview right. All the practice in the end just didn't end up helping. 

The job I got at Call Center #3 was through a series of fortunate events - I had the experience, the hiring manager knew what she was looking for, I had a personal referral, and I had the interview questions ahead of time, and it was virtual so I could read my answers. 

Call Center #2 - I can't figure out what that is akin to. I applied for the exact same job I had with another company. I think the hiring manager asked a few people about me and that probably helped. (Call Center #2 might have been just God helping me out or if in the dating analogy, dating an underemployed dud or divorced, military dad of 3 - I'm fairly confident I'd be able to make a relationship like that work; but I was wildly unhappy working at Call Center #2 eventhough my work load was quite light and I was making a bit more money; it just wasn't what I wanted; I couldn't make myself love it.)

In the end Call Center #3 turned out to be a not-great experience but the money was aligned with my goals. So there're parts of that I certainly don't want to replicate.

I think that's why I've been reaching out to friends and family. I think it would help me to have the inside scoop, someone to make the introduction to make everyone feel at ease, someone I can meet virtually just keeps popping up in my mind. But I also had to be patient there as well. They took many weeks to make me an offer and the anxiety was suffocating. But the higher pay was worth it in the end because it accelerated my journey. 

I don't know. I'm confident my time is coming, I'm just afraid it's going to be another 2 years and my heart will be closed. 

I just hope I learn the necessary lessons.

But I waited patiently for Dapple, and nothing came of that. That was my biggest test of temperament to date. 3 months! 

It's hard to enumerate what went wrong because theoretically not all relationships are meant to last forever. 

So let's look at the three people I connected with the most - Dapple, Japple, and the Mormon

Dapple - 

Pros: We had a lot in common because we were the same age; there was no pressure to meet up; I practiced patience for 3 months, but really started to crumble by 2 to 2.5 months

Cons: Single texts that became more spaced out over time = high anxiety; wished I had spoken up for what I want when his way of doing things started to spin me out of control; felt rejected that he wouldn't call, video chat, or have an actual converation in real time

Lesson: Maybe ~ 2 months (6-8 weeks) is when I can start expecting to feel a need for direction; so try to be patient until then; and before freaking out, just ask for what you want or ask them for some direction

Japple

Pros: He was a man's man; I didn't have to wonder as much if he was into me; he was more willing to take the lead

Cons: I let past trauma magnify red flags; felt rejected when he was not as excitable as me

Lesson: Don't accuse people of things, just ask (still need to find a way to ask and be ready for uncomfortable conversations; get used to the idea of disagreement in love); if something is weird, just talk about it

Mormon

Pros: easy to talk to, sweet, nice 

Cons: still playing the field; i rushed into things because i wanted things to happen on my timeline; wanted him to commit after about 1 week (fear of losing or being rejected); got physical before establishing what we want out of the relationship

Lesson: have the tough conversations, wait until you're sure you know what you want before moving things in either direction, give people space to reach their emotions on their own time

I think once I realize I want to be in an exclusive relationship with someone, I should give myself 1 week of no-contact to feel my feelings. Don't assume the worst. 

Meh, I'm tired of thinking and talking about this for now.

In other news, I guess Saturday is just for weeping. I'll just add that to my routine.

I think Sunday is for burritos.

Saturdays are also for biscuits or donuts. Yesterday I got neither. I mostly just cried and replayed recent conversations.  While it's nice to be able to get over these duds faster, it's taking the luster out of dating. I wanted it to be a positive experience not another life-learning experience. I'm done with life lessons. Can anything just be pure fun and lightness. Ugh.