I don't want to feel this

 Dear  Self,

Today you feel terrible. Like you will be alone forever. Every so often you get this way. You cry and nothing helps. You pray and nothing helps. This time you tried dating and it was just enough to leave you with dashed hopes. It was better than not trying at all.

You spent so much on this hair that you don't know whether to try to fit in a few more dates or cut your losses before sinking deeper in despair.

When does the struggle stop? When do I get to be happy?

I just find it hard to believe that other people get to be loved and you don't. I'd love to tell you that your time will come, but more than likely it won't.

There's no way anyone's dream takes this long and they're still happy when they receive it. When do I get to be someone's one and only, someone's first choice. When do I get to know what it feels like to have that first look, first hug, first kiss with someone who truly loves you and wants to make you happy.

But maybe this is just a big lie that is circulating like working until you're 65 and then retiring and then dying at 80ish. 

Actually, that's only a 15 year retirement or for those lucky enough to do it at 62 or 60, I guess that's still a 20 year retirement. So maybe I shoot for 15 years. My aunt only got 8, so maybe I only need to do 9 to do a little better than her.

My aunt who gave everything to help so many people died alone. She was married a few times but obviously none of those were heart-stopping, life-affirming love. 

How does a girl get such grand dreams. How does a lowly immigrant girl dare to dream so big. My life is not a fairy tale. I just thought once I got out of the survival stage, there would be some joy. 

If someone offered me the blue pill out of this life, I'm not sure I wouldn't take it. What else is there to live for? Why can't I be like everyone else? 

I wish I loved to travel. Maybe I should get a kid? What am I supposed to do now? Well, now that my license is updated, I actually can apply for a carry permit.

Is this really how it ends for me.

Small town girl makes big. Dies.