Tuesday in Seattle, 6p EST

 My stomach is still weird. I ate too much weird stuff I guess. On the itinerary for today was sushi but by the time I walked down there, the price was doubled what was on the internet. 

I searched twice for Dapple and Japple and I think it's confirmed they blocked me. Ouch! Double ouch! I'm freaking amazing. 

I am so ashamed I feel like I can never utter the word boyfriend or white-husband again. I thought talking about it to other people would make it more fun and take away some of the shame and angst but now those people are just my negative secret keepers.

At Day #2, my desire to engage with any of my current matches has waned considerably.

I want to emotionally eat and get under the covers. 

Oh wait! I can do that!

I couldn't spend $10 to $20 for sushi today but I found myself at Whole Foods and got cookies and a pretzel. I thought I'd get sushi on the way back, but I just couldn't make it happen. 

Maybe tomorrow. Or I thought I'd go out for dinner, but I don't know. I'm about to get in my jammies. 

I almost cried. I probably will when I get in my bed.

It's weird that no one really knows I'm here.

Tomorrow, I finalize my document and put it in review. Yay! 

I'm grateful for my job and money to pay for this stay.

So what happens now. 

I just bide my time until I go home again.

I wish this was the end of secret love but I know I'll just go looking under another corner in another cave. 

I want one of the 3 people I already met and connected with, but they don't want me.

I wish I had brought my oatmeal.

It was kind of cool to walk the 0.5 mile to the restaurant and grocery. It didn't even seem that far because the streets count up and down. 

So I guess the next 4 days will just be munching, sleeping, and work tasks.

That's okay.

So city living isn't likely to take up a huge part of my post-FIRE schedule.

Oh! The other thing I haven't said is.. I forgot what it was like to feel unseen and overly visible at the same time. There is a performative part of being a minority that I haven't had to experience much since moving to Death House. It's present here because everyone I've seen is White or Asian. I forgot America was like this.