My life is worth more than that

 It's Friday 8p and I'm alive.

So many headings floated through my mind until I opened the window to write, oh well.

Some included:

A $1500 mistake or a cheap price to pay for my life!

I walked today!

I lived to tell about it!

I saw a frog!

I'm going to Seattle! 

All those things are true.

It's Easter weekend, apparently. I would know if I went to church.

Oh here's another one that popped into my head: I don't trust God's timing! 

It's not that I don't want to, but it just hasn't really worked out for me. And it makes me anxious. So suffice to say my faith just isn't strong enough.

I think that's what I liked most about Mormon boy. He was a believer true and true. And strangely Love didn't work out for him either. What hope do I have!

Mean Brain has been off and on trying to convince me to contact him (mind you I already did through a colleague and he noped out!). But that's old MERJ and new MERJ doesn't date. Dating threatens her emotional and physical safety.

But there's the $1500 spontaneous trip to Seattle I bought this morning calling me a liar. So here we are.

Was I triggered? Probably, but I waited a whole day to do it. And I woke up at some witching hour last night and almost pulled the trigger (the submit button not the other one) and decided to be better and wait till at least sunup. 

So I bought it before 9a this morning. 

Yep, I'm going to Seattle on Sunday. I'd tried to go Saturday but waited too long and the tickets went back up. That actually did work out for the best because I would've been stressed trying to finish Draft 2 of my deliverable before I left. I just finished the 1st revision a few minutes ago. Phew! 

I'm so glad I did and didn't wait for tomorrow. Reminds me of my school days when you'd want to push off a project for the next day, then when you got it done the same day, it felt amazing. It's like you just bought a day of your life back! (Like I need extra life days, ha!)

Anyway. 

Yep, I bought a trip to Seattle. Secret Love just won't die. Ever since I joined Hinge, I'd been wanting to go on some dates in Seattle but could never make it make sense and also... pandemic.

I didn't even know before booking that we don't have to show any COVID proof anymore. I figured I'd just figure it out.

What prompted this?

Oh the last 5 or 6 days of crying- where my world felt like it was crashing in on me and I wanted to end it all. So I needed to put physical distance between me and whatever just happened.

I also know that this weekend was the weekend I would have been going up to meet Mormon boy and the thought of just sitting in this Death House alone thinking about 'what if' just might actually do me in. Did I need to spend $1500 or go to Seattle? No, but I did. 

Secret Love wanted me to make a fool out of myself in a myriad of ways, this one was the most costly monetarily but the other ones could have had grave consequences. So I chose to throw money at the problem! Thanks, FIRE! 

My life is worth more than $1500.

While Secret Love and Mean Brain will likely have other plans for me, my sole objective was: get out of NC, get out of this house.

The trip hopefully does just that. 

I'll miss volunteering next Saturday, but oh well. My life was worth more than that. 

So yeah, the only goal was to put physical distance between me and this emotional pain of the last week.

I almost didn't cry today but a few tears slipped out not too long ago.

See this is why I just let Mean Brain get me into things. All it wants to do right now is reach out to this Boy and won't let me think about doing anything else until I do. How nuts is that! 

I felt so much pain after I went no-contact and when I finally stop crying after a week, my Brain keeps trying to trick me! The struggle is real, folks.

I think in the end, the shame and remorse is the price I have to pay just to be able to live and quiet Mean Brain. It's a formidable foe.

It always wins.

So yes, I bought a trip to Seattle with my hard earned cash. Suffice to say, I'm having no trouble spending. I almost charged it to a credit card but I haven't lost all my marbles just yet! 

Well I actually was going to because one card in quite timely fashion sent me a promotional email that I could get 5% cashback on travel expenses. But the credit limit was smaller than my expenses so I had to abandon that idea.

Oh well, again, my life is worth more than $1500.

Mean Brain, stop! In 3 months, you'll be convincing me that this man was the love of my life and I will never be happy or live or breathe without him. And we both know that's not true! Please, leave me alone!

Other things I hope to explore in a very low-pressure sich: (again, just leaving the house = mission accomplished)

- Go on those "dream" dates I romanticized in my mind (yep, back on like 3 or 4 apps after ceremoniously deleting them not even 3 days ago!)

- Just get out of the hotel room 3 times - even if it's just to get takeout

- Eat Asian food! I miss sushi

The weather in Seattle is rain all week, but I bought the trip anyway. I can sit in a hotel room, watch TV, and eat sushi.

It's going to be a spendy week, but my life is worth more than that.

I've been toying with the idea of taking off somewhere in the US for 2 years and live that hot girl-condo life. So this is just a taste. Maybe it'll take the edge off. 

I mean what do I do after FIRE if not live out some fantasies?

So yeah, not looking for love in Seattle - just some hopefully fun dates. Or just dates, full stop. 

I decided for the most part to be myself on the new apps, so we shall see. But there is a definite quit date of before I land back in NC.

I hope to eat delicious food.

And now that my document is in working order, I can even get excited.

Oh yea, and I went on a walk today. There was a woman there that sounded just like me - full despair. I hear you, my human, I hear you. 

So yeah, I'm going to Seattle because the thought of spending just one more minute alone with a full arsenal of Mean Brain ruminations just seemed like the least of all the things I wanted to do. This spontaneous spendy trip brought to you by FIRE!