About A Boy

 Maybe it's the shield of FIRE but eventhough yes, I feel rejection, yes, I feel bad, yes I want to give up every single minute, and I question everything I'm doing, somehow I'm still in it.

Somehow each second feels like progress.

I cried last week, but today I didn't cry. Yesterday I didn't cry.

Yes, my stomach is in knots.

Yes I mass messaged about 5 people on the apps last night because something felt off in our convo last night. He's not particularly effusive. I don't feel certain about his interest other than he returns my calls and messages me. 

Yes, I'm still in communication with Japple and he's mean and I still believe he secretly loves me and we will end up living happily ever after.

But I also didn't call him. I didn't delete my Google voice number last night. I didn't unmatch the Mormon. I didn't confront him about his feelings. 

I didn't delete Hinge. 

Maybe this is or isn't a good idea. But I'm waiting until I know for sure before ending my relationship with Hinge.

I wish I could not focus on one boy and enjoy the process.

So against the advice of everyone, I initiated contact with the boy last night. I asked if he wanted to video chat, and he said he was cooking and could voice chat. (Felt like a rejection because of course you should stop everything you're doing to be with me.)

I flirted eventhough my dating coaches warned me about coming on too strong. I said when are you going to make me dinner, he said when are you coming down. But then the wifi cut out. This is why I think I need to make the plans. I do think he thinks it's too great of an ask to ask me to come down. But again, he's not really making any plans to come to me either. 

Ugh, 9a, I just texted him. Just thinking about it is making me anxious. And I want to stop the feeling.

I only did 1 activity this week since Softball was cancelled twice this week.  Oh I have virtual volunteering tomorrow. Also another virtual dating event tonight - that one is free, so we shall see.