It took a little while but...

 It took a little while, but... a lot of things.

It's been 1 week since I left Seattle and I have spent the bulk of the week trying to figure how to go back and even IF I should go back.

Today, I feel meh.

My Seattle Penpal appears to be playing the waiting game and it's royally annoying. I just want someone to be into me. It started off well because he did send me 2 emails back to back which I liked, but now he's doing them a day apart.

I freaking hate that noise!

And I woke up today wanting to message the Iranian. This time my Brain is telling me, oh it'll only be for financial advice. Yeah, right. I am a little silly, but I can see right through you. We've been together for 40 years, Brain. You're like the Bad Friend Influence.

You pretend to be all nice to me, and then you make me do bad things that seem fun in the moment but just end up in mental chaos. 

What do you do when your Rebellious Friend is your only friend and also your Brain.

It's getting easier and easier to loosen ties with my committee members. I was trying so hard to force it and make it happen instantly. But it's the natural progression of things. Each day we talk a little less. There are a few more minutes between interactions. And then I think by the end of this year or maybe even next, it'll just be Casual Mentions. Oh well.

So yeah, I can't figure out how to make Seattle work or even Single Girl in the City. I'm semi-committed to waiting the 2 weeks (time between my last and next counseling session) before touching dating again. 

Whoops, I get interacting with Seattle Penpal kind of counts. But I'm proud of myself of not trying (again) to convince Boy I Kissed to do the thing he already said he didn't want to do. 

There are essentially 18 months left in pre-retirement. No pressure, right! 

Yet somehow I still end up here.

It would cost at least $30k in housing to live in Seattle as a Single Girl in the City. So I rationalized, I could try to get a part time job (or maybe even a full time job) to supplement the cost. If I could make even just $1k a month, that would help subsidize my stay. 

I actually sent an email to a posting for 2 summer jobs just to see. They were filled. Nothing too devastating, but it would've been a good place to start. Feelers of sorts. 

I even searched on Indeed for full-time jobs. I got a little sick to my stomach thinking of applying, interviewing, and even working full time again. ( I do still work full-time now it just doesn't feel like it sometimes because my schedule is so flexible.)

But this Single Girl in the City is both a dream I'm stuck on and also a broken record. It could certainly qualify as a bucket list item. How much am I willing to do or pay for it?

I did find a place for $1500/mon that was nice, but it wasn't really in the city. That wasn't really the dream. I've already lived in the burbs. And if I'm going to be driving everywhere and going to the grocery store in the car, that's already this life. 

So I think I might be a day late and a dollar short on this dream. 

The Bible verse from yesterday was something to the effect of, I'm not letting go until you bless me!

That's kind of where I am or was.

That vision of God intervening in 2 years with a partner doesn't seem as sharp. Did I make it up?

I did halfway start thinking of Death House as homebase. I kept reading that in the reviews for lodging: Great homebase! Great location for a homebase!

So in that way, I'm grateful for my homebase. I've always appreciated the value of living in Cheap House and its impact on my FIRE journey. I don't take that for granted.

It's like Call Center #1. No matter how much turmoil I was in year after year of whether to stay or leave when my lease was up or even strong feelings of feeling stuck, I always felt fortunate that it was a good-paying job with easy to hit metrics. It felt secure, so it was hard to leave. It met its most basic needs in my life. 

I think I just wanted to try again to have all the things at the same time. I don't remember why I didn't go out or try to make friends or even date when I started working or at Call Center #1. I did just the opposite. Maybe I'd come out of 30 years of trying all these things and ending up alone. We can just say I was in recovery. 

On my list of things that are known to hurt me: (literally posted in big font on my wall to remind me)

- Friends

- Family

- "secret love"

- Faith in a 'more life' or better outcome

So this is basically what I already know has caused significant chaos in the past (over and over and over), yet I'm trying to upend my life to chase it once again!

What the heck! 

Am I crazy? Here's fire, play with it! 

Sigh. 

What do I do?

Obviously, I'm an emotional cutter - this time will be different! 

We already know I have a habit of trying to convince people of different outcomes. What, you don't like me? You want to end our connection? Obviously, this means I should contact you every other week!! This time will be different!! I just need to say or do this one thing! Then this time will be different!!

If I were still aggressively saving, the answer would be easy. Heck no, don't spend money on unstable outcomes. It would even make this planned Boone trip easy - save all the money!

I got distracted because I had to let the Orkin man in just now. (So a full 20 or 30 minutes have actually passed.) 

It's a nice cool day. The old lady walk was at 8a this morning which was a little earlier than it's been in the past. And actually, duh! I forgot Orkin was coming today anyway. So, it's a good thing I stayed! It was definitely too early to piece all that together. Good thing I didn't have my heart set on going on the walk today. 

So at least I have 2 trails I can walk in my Retirement Life.

The more I hang out with these old ladies, the more I can get used to this being an okay place to retire. Just maybe not at 40. 

So yes, even if I spend all my money and only max out my 401k, I don't think I could afford to "live" in Seattle for any length of time. How do people do it! 

But of course, now that I say I can't, I'm going to try everything in my power to make it happen!

I've put off my work that I really should have done today, for this weekend or Monday!

Well I got to take advantage of this flexibility somehow!

So just some comments on my life now. There are things going well.

The weather has been awesome this week. It's even cool today. I have the heat on my feet!

My staying upstairs to sun myself in my makeshift sunroom until 7p has also been working. It makes the Downstairs time seem less and makes it go faster.

I haven't cooked much in the first four months of the year, and honestly who cares.

I've developed a slight penchant for Chipotle burritos. Even when I tried the alternative of getting the kids menu to lessen the cost, it didn't quite work. So I'm paying the full $12. Wow, who am I?!