Thursday in Seattle, 12n EST

 Yay! After being awakened at 6a by loud banging city noises, I actually did work. It took me about 3 hours to enter my document into the Review cycle, get the QC forms filled out and check for citations. Things moved a little slower with 1 screen, but I persevered.

Wow, I'm really doing this job.

Look, ma, no hands! Sort of.

When I got to a good place, I reached out to Work Colleague to see if she wanted to have a little work-stduy sesh. She declined.

And I didn't spiral.

Mentally, I ruminated a bit, but then just finished my work.

I think that's where I need to get to - rejection is rejection.

With the guys, I think I have pretty good instincts. And I know to walk away, but it's whatever that happens after the fact that makes me second guess. There's some sort of fear that I'll never have the chance again.

Some fear that oh, you didn't play the game right. I think that's leftover from just society and interviewing. Just knowing that you can't say, I want this job because it pays more money than my last job or I hate my co-workers.

There's some gamification with dating that I don't fully understand or really appreciate. That's where I start to doubt myself > spiral > act crazy > cry > fall into despair.  Like you have to be super bubbly and like what they like; like you have to hide most elements of your crazy; like you can't mention kids and marriage right away even though that's why you're dating. 

I think for me this is just the one space I want to be myself. Even though when guys say creepy things, I'm sure they're just being themselves and it's a turnoff. Somehow I can't see it that way for myself. It's the old conundrum of pedestrian vs driver. When I'm a driver, I hate pedestrians getting in my way. When I'm a pedestrian, I ignore cars and think I have the right of way. 

So like most things in my life, this 1 thing I just want to be easy and fun and light-hearted and it just isn't. But I think I'm just going to stay the course of what I want. If you like me, act like it. Choose me, be my friend, be nice to me. Don't keep me guessing.

I think just relying on the fact the fact that there is no "The One." There are many people in the world I could be happy with. 

I think I've lost sight of what the goal is for marriage or relationships. I think that's why marriage is effectively off the table. I feel like marriage is intended to serve a higher purpose, something heaven bound. Right now, I'm just looking for some emotional support in whatever form that comes in. The caveat I have to give to Reality is that, it might mean just a string of serious relationships as opposed to one Forever one. That's just my reality.

So reflecting on the last 3 guys I cried over. They just didn't like me. Where "the error" is as my therapist would say is that I tried to convince them otherwise. 

That's it.

So the lesson for me is - trust your instincts. You still have the gift of discernment even when it's buried under Feelings. 

Society will tell you otherwise. You don't need to be Googling anything about "how to get him to text you back," or "how to" nothing about dating. 

My purpose is for emotional support and to experience romantic love on earth. That's it. 

God is Love. I think Love that honors God as best as it can and doesn't hurt people is sufficient, it's purposeful and God would want that. I think. Love the Lord your God with all your heart..and your neighbor as yourself. I want to experience what it's like to love someone (romantically) and for that to be returned. 

I was made to be loved. I just hope not just by God. 

I think where we went wrong is this idea of "The One." It's so much pressure. We can have many friends, we can have many kids, we can have many jobs, and passions and interests. But somehow we distorted romantic love into just "One" person. 

I think the rules are just different when you marry outside of the church and don't intend to make a family. 

If you stop loving someone, do you need to make it "work?"

If we allow romantic love to be based on feelings, then we have to allow for these Feelings to change. That is where I lose my mind.

I want to be in it for the long haul, but if I'm chasing romantic love, that's just a hazard I have to contend with. 

I just have to remember it's not my job to convince anyone to love me. I want my love to be as close to Christ's love for us and his people. He chose me and loves me anyway. That's what I want. 

But if God has to contend with people's free will, then who am I to question it. If we can make God weep, then of course man can make me weep.

God puts his love out there, he is always vulnerable. And he is rejected daily. 

I think I just have to continue living my life. 

I don't know what this means for the apps. I still plan on deleting them before I reach home. I just don't know when I'll return.

The catharsis happened. Even if in the next minute I lose my mind.

The lesson is: 

- You have good instincts. Trust them.

- People have free will. They have agency to not love you back. Let them.

- It's not my job to convince anyone to love me. 

My ultimate goal is: Survival.

That's my basic goal.

The way frugality and saving and mindful spending was my FIRE goals and objectives and framework.

In the remainder of my life and whatever I decide to do in my pursuit of love, survival is my goal.

So this may mean more freakouts, but I hope it doesn't.

I'm never going to beat myself up for choosing what I need to do survive in that moment.

MERJ 1.0 will always be the buffer and protector of MERJ 2.0.

So like my 17 year old self who opted out of h.s. dramatic relationships, I still choose and deserve to be earned. I will not be getting my h.s. crush, but he also won't be getting me (and I'm a freaking prize!). I will likely be alone, but it doesn't have to be this death sentence. 

I won't be pining for the same boy for 10 years. I won't be pulling anymore shenanigans and sweating alone behind a computer screen trying to come up with the wittiest of banter only to be ignored. I won't model my fantasies over what it would be like to fit into someone else's world. I won't follow a boy to college. I won't fantasize a life together with a mirage. I won't wait around like a wallflower waiting to be chosen.

You get your chance, if you blow it C'est la vie. It's no one's loss. It just is. I won't think about you, so don't think about me.  You're not secretly waiting for me to turn around, or blow you a kiss, or show up at your doorstep or in your town. 

I won't be second guessing my steps away from you. I won't be second guessing your slights or your lack of attention. I won't wait around for you either.