2nd Date Vibes and Other Things

 So I had my second (virtual) date with Capple. I did all that internet sleuthing for nothing because all I found out was his religion and his LinkedIn but I would've gotten all of that from the second date.

It was mostly normal. Nothing too butterfly inducing, which is neither good or bad. He looks like his picture. A little pudgy around the middle but as much as I want to prioritize looks, I've been conditioned otherwise. The thing that sticks out is he asked for the third time to exchange numbers and I remember saying in one of our text convos that I would do it after 2 calls and a video chat, so I didn't love that.

I'm still learning how to say No and stick up for myself. It's not that I have trouble saying No; I have trouble saying No and still feeling like the person will like me. 

This morning I woke up with some mild stranger-danger vibes because of this but I think it's old trauma, so I'm not reacting. 

I don't feel unsafe. 

I think the other thing too, when I look at my spreadsheet, I'm reminded of what I'm trying to achieve. The premise of the 2 calls and 1 video chat is to sort of filter out intention and not be in a rush to meet-up. I have the Google Voice number specifically for app guys so it's not as though I'm giving out super personal information. My guardrails are there to guide me but I can be flexible too. So while, I didn't necessarily want to give my number out right away, I'm not in danger and there's no rush to meet-up because he lives in another state.

At most, I lose $10 to change the number. 

Again, I have to remember that this is kind of a numbers game. There's a 100% chance that Capple is not The One because that doesn't really exist on my current journey. I'm looking for a solution to my problem of needing some emotional support at this point in my journey. Any number of variables of human man can fit that. 

So while I'm a little miffed, I didn't stand my ground, it's not as though I didn't see it coming. I'm proud of myself for recognizing this angst I feel right now is because of past trauma not of any actual real danger. I'm proud of myself for recognizing I can be flexible with my guardrails. I'm proud of myself for recognizing the intent of my search and trying to focus on that. 

So while we didn't make it to the 3rd call, I am geographically not able to meet up right away and I think he wants to pursue a relationship not just go on a date.

Whether that's with me or not remains to be seen. I do think he was gaming me a little bit but I'm trying not to dwell on it. I think also the 3rd call is important because I think by then both people start loosening up and the truth trickles out. I think I start to feel more like myself. So we'll see. 

Again, I just have to remind myself that this is not a high stakes situation. 

Oh another supportive experience for the 3 call rule. May have already shared but oh well. There was another dud I matched with. As always, not really my type but I give people a chance. I wanted to meet on a Friday but he couldn't. I said I couldn't meet on Saturday and he persisted. I said I was only feeling bold on Friday but if we did another day we'd have to do the 3 calls. We got through 1 short call. Call 2 was maybe 20 minutes and he kind of ended it abruptly. I had a feeling then that he wasn't that into it. By that Saturday night he sent me a message that he met someone else Saturday night that he was more interested in pursuing. The message was fine but now that I think about it I think there was some intention of telling me that he met someone that night to imply I missed my chance. FTG. It's almost laughable like, okay dude. It's dating. Everyone is meeting someone every night. And if that was the person you wanted to pursue, then yes, going out with me would have been a waste of both of our times. 

So yes, the 3 call guideline weeds out guys who just want to go on a bunch of first dates and mismatches in a low effort kind of way. I'm sticking to it! I just have to build up some resilience to the resistance. #I'mThePrize

In other news

I did my first draft of my document yesterday. It felt amazing! I'm so happy I got it done because it just freed up so much mental space. So this means I have some availability to volunteer today and possibly tomorrow.

I see now how people can forget to text you back. I have about 3 messages outstanding that just came in when I was doing other things and I got distracted because they weren't particularly urgent. 

Positivity

I've been slowly releasing myself from correcting minor things in other people. I am actively doing it and can feel myself biting my tongue. I'm at like 1% because some things I just instinctively react to. But it is awesome to just let things go. I used to be better but when I was in the dark place I wanted to give everyone a taste of their own medicine. Life is just better for me when I let things go even if Mean Brain wants to convince me I'm being walked on or pushed over or whatever mean thing it comes up with.

The Final Frontier

Although I'm half in-half out. Today I feel like Love is my final frontier. It's the last thing on my bucket list. Functional Love is nice but before I go, I want to experience that Romantic Love. But the thing is it's not up to me. I wonder if it'll happen!