Bonus Day and Facebook Envy

 

Bonus Day

Yesterday was bonus day. My gross bonus was about $32k. Wowzers! I don't know why it hasn't hit me yet? Might be my pre-occupation with falling in love. If I do a rough estimate of 75% of that, I might be walking away with $24k after tax. That's amazing! Although I wanted to save $30k for FIRE-Year 1 Cash, I might just take the $24k and return to my regularly scheduled programming.

I'm grateful. Really, I am. 

My investment portfolio is tumbling down. I'm not that mad about it. I just thought it would be nice to see that nice round $500k this month, but it doesn't look like that's happening anytime soon. 

I know psychologically I need to keep the Year 1 Cash away from my hub account, but I'm still deciding where to keep it. Bank 1 has 1% interest with a direct deposit. But it recently had a security breach and they don't really have a secure portal for messages and documents. And frankly, I don't want to keep making direct deposits to it, even at $1. I just want to close this chapter and move on. 

The other options are Broker 1 and Broker 2. They're a bit more established. The interest rate is abysmal, but it might be a little safer. They have brokered CDs which are new to me. It might be okay for 1 year I suppose, but I like the idea of the cash being just a little bit more liquid because at this point all my Safety Net / Year 1 Cash is tied up in some sort of CD. So I'm still mulling it over. 

I think I was more okay with the Year 1 Cash being in the Bank because I thought I would be accumulating it over time but with my bonus, that is no longer the case. 

I don't know. 

Facebook Envy

I've been on Facebook for only a few days and Facebook Envy and Anxiety has already returned. It's basically like texting a boy times a million. Yep, I already stalked him. He's not on social media. Everyone appears to have such beautiful lives. Will I even make it to 90 days.

I'm already starting to lose hope about everything.

I don't want to be alone forever.

I just don't know what else to do.

I know I can't live in limbo forever.

The Fantasy

I want the fantasy. I want someone to want me. I want someone to seek me out and find me. To make me feel safe and desired. To want to listen to me. To be a shoulder to cry on. To rub my back when I'm sad. To reassure me with their actions and words that they love me. I don't want to guess. I don't want to be okay with them not contacting me. I don't want to be okay with living in ambiguity. I don't want to be afraid that they might leave me. 

But that's not modern dating. 

Even though right now it feels like breadcrumbs are better than nothing, I know I'll get past it. I'm just not the person that can subsist on breadcrumbs as evidenced by my outburst. I know what it's like to be loved unconditionally. It exists. So maybe app dating isn't for me. I already knew that. 

I've already been here.