I couldn't get the day back

 It's a little after 4p and Tuesday won. I couldn't get the day back. I woke up feeling down. I thought it was because of my meeting with my mentor but by 9a we'd cancelled the meeting and I couldn't get out of the dumps. I don't want to quit living like I usually do. I didn't take it that far. I mean the thought is always there but even when I was laying in bed I silently said to myself, this isn't real.

So what's different, I gave up on today but I'm not giving up on tomorrow.

Tomorrow I'll wake up and try again.

An even healthier person would not let a silly meeting ruin a day, but I'm letting it because this is progress. I'm not letting a silly meeting end my life!!!

I don't want to go softball. I don't want to do any of my work tasks. I just feel blah. I tried eating my feelings but it's not working. I even left the house to go get some chips. Now I just have a stomachache. 

Here are all the thoughts:

Why doesn't God love me?

Why didn't that Big Pharma gig hire me?

Why didn't that Small Pharma gig hire me?

Why didn't x,y,z boy of the day love me?

Why am I alone?

Why do I still feel poor?

Why is everyone living their best life? Why are they so good at life?

Wow, everyone I know is going to gross so much money in life. Sigh.

I can't beat anyone at anything. Sigh.

No one is emailing me. 

I emailed the lady at Big Pharma.

I emailed the lady at Small Pharma.

I am contemplating 3 bank bonuses. 

One for April, one for May, and one for 60 days.

My portfolio balances are dropping. 

Should I actively try to make friends? But if I don't actively try, it won't happen. 

Which mean boy from my past can I convince to love me?

I decided to resign from being a dissonant voice. The 2 people I talk to most are those that talk over me, like to have the last word, correct me, be disagreeable. And in order to be heard, I found myself adopting some of their bad habits. I'm not doing it anymore.

I guess my distress tolerance is low. I just would rather emotionally distance myself from whatever conversation I'm in. I'm pretty good at that when I put my mind to it. 

I think I'm doing well so far with keeping myself safe. The momentary lapse of hope I had of a more involved life has passed.

I just have to figure out what life looks like as a widower. The thing that has died is my companion, Dream Life. 

So far my current routine is work until 4p. Stay in the office enjoying the sun and pretending that area near the window is my sunroom. Stay there till 7p. Go downstairs and watch TV until 11p where I try to go to bed. For early spring, it seems to be going okay.

This week I hope to volunteer on Wednesday. I like the idea of Wed and Sunday being people day. Follows what it was like growing up in the church. Fellowship was Wednesdays and Sundays. That's been a tough mental inclination to shift away from. It worked.

So I'll try to construct post-FIRE life around that. 

There's a church near here in "my neighborhood" that I should visit. It was nice seeing that on people's blogs. People focusing on adding faith to their goals. Now that money is not the priority, I have to find new areas of focus.

So I think my model has to be retired ladies in their 60s. Because that's kind of where I am. They're living the life closest to mine in terms of socializing (?), desires (?). I think just overall life fatigue. 

I get to skip the boring middle - does that even apply to life or just FIRE.

But yeah no stage 2, where stage two is age 30 to 60 where you are raising kids.

I'm skipping right to stage 3 where life has beaten you down and you're trying to get the best value for time invested. I've always been an old soul anyway.