A Shift in Perspective

 It's funny how when you're not in acute distress how much clearer your worldview is. How do I stay in this safe rational place. I'm not necessarily happy..or even unhappy. I just feel sane and able to think rationally.

Things just seem surmountable. How do I stay here?

I think when I box people out or come up with my ten thousand decision trees on how to manage likely variables (e.g. humans), this is the space I'm trying to create but it's so much harder to manufacture it then just to find yourself here. 

I'm trying to think of how I got here. I don't know. I must have mis-identified the source of my unhappiness in the early years.

Because 

- I'm still working

- I still have low-grade body pain

- I still don't really have friends

- I'm single

- I mean just 2 weeks ago I was freaking out because a boy didn't text me back

- I'm still second guessing where I should live

So all the things I thought were ailing me when I started this journey 4 years ago seem to be still present. I don't know.

I think birth control hormones played a part in my mood shift. I started them in 2015 and ended them around the same time. If we're sticking with that story, I would say they heightened negative feelings. So they didn't cause them, but they magnified them.

And maybe they lingered?

Or is it the money?

I remember when I started working at Call Center #1, there was periodic acute distress from co-workers or callers. I just got this feeling that people wanted to vote me off the island. And maybe that spiraled into if I lose this job > I'll never get another job > I'll be poor forever.

I remember not wanting to hang out and "make memories" because, well, memories cost money and really who did I have to hang out with.

But I was working and my job was manageable. I remember having regular conversations with myself on what was possible. My job was manageable. Other people were leaving their "stressful" jobs to do my job. It was a good first job and the pay was adequate. My life was fine. I liked knowing how to do my job; it was very transactional; I liked knowing I didn't need to make friends with my co-workers to keep my job; I was an individual contributor in the most empiric sense of the word. 

So was it the job or the money?

I have a new job and I make more money. But even last year, I was thinking I wasn't sure I would make it to the end of 2021. But I could do that job too. I was definitely stressed, but that didn't make sense. I didn't have anything else to do - so I would just work. 

So do I hate working or do I hate Having to work for money?

I don't know.. when you're happy, it's hard to think about what ever made you sad.

I can't even deep dive into my history because my brain won't let me! Haha. It just wants to think about possibilities! 

So here goes a bunch of random thoughts.

I noticed this on my 401k plan today:

I've been at Call Center 3 since Jun 2020. So in under 2 years, I'm at nearly the same 401k balance as Call Center #1 where I was for 4 years plus time in the market.

That's definitely a factor of making more money*, plain and simple! Which is still weird to me because it doesn't seem like that much more. But I guess it adds up.

From a base salary perspective, I went from under $99k to $125k (avg). The bonus is a big difference. 

And the increase in employer matching helped too. Because they match regular pay checks and bonus separately! 

*Making more money at Call Center #3 means I was able to not just max out the 401k but contribute to after-tax as well. So I guess there's accounting for 401k options. I don't think that was an option at Call Center #1.

I started this post about 8 hours ago then I got pulled into a few things.

My colleague finally caught me in a weak moment and I'm now the proud future-owner of 3 pairs of Nike shoes at the low, low price of about $700 (total). Like the saying goes, a sucker born every minute! 

Actually that reminds me! I can take that credit card out of my pocket now. It's going back on Freeze and that's the end of my reselling empire.  It was a lot of rigmarole to maybe make $300 profit. 

I think I'm a bit more motivated to try to get that $700 back in Bank Bonuses.

I wasn't going to count it, but I'll repurpose that $200 cash back from the card I used for the $700 spend. So I just need to do $500 more in bonuses and I'll be made whole again.

I can do that.

And I'll pay for the $800 on the couch out of my regular pay. 

This afternoon I went to volunteer at the Food Bank, and it was a fine experience. The lady I volunteered with even offered to exchange numbers. Yay!

Browsing through the dating apps, I just no longer feel this sense of urgency or life-or-death ness.

I think I was just in acute distress over the recent rejection so the dating apps have lost their power over my life. Just like that. 

Homelessness

I brainstormed more about what to include in my homeless snack packs and even priced some items. When I ran out of ideas I did a quick Google Search and all the things I'd hemmed and hawed over was already in a nice list on someone else's blog. I think in the simplest snack pack, I can assemble items for $1.37/bag. So I'm setting a target spend of < $2/ bag with a goal of getting out 10 bags/month. So that's still around the $20/mon or 10% of my own food budget.

Then part of me is like ...OR just let the established organizations do what they're already doing. What does this actually solve. 

It's after 6p, I think my ramble is over. I'm starting to get antsy with my next deadline pending. I had a point when I woke up this morning. I'm almost scared of this hedonistic adaptation I keep hearing about. I want to feel this good forever!!