Another Day, But I'm Choosing To Be...

 I'm in a Thursday morning meeting, and after this I might treat myself to a biscuit. I almost hesitated to use the word treat because it's been made fun of so much. I don't like when I internalize other people's responses to things and unintentionally adopt them as my own. I'm going to treat myself to a biscuit! I like treats. Treating others to things is fun. There I'm taking back the word treat.

I found this to be true on Hinge as well. Scrolling through all the hundreds of profiles, I found myself wanting to adapt myself to the ideal girl. A lot of trolls put all the things they want (or don't want) in their profiles, so I found myself stressed when trying to navigate relationships. I lost sight of what I want. Well it didn't help that I didn't have a clear idea of what that was. As such, I was very susceptible to other people's feedback and experiences. Wrong. Well, not completely, that's how we all navigate and carve out our spaces. We are limited by the boundaries of others.

So some good things:

- My work colleague helped me sign up for softball! And she bought me a glove as a birthday present. Yay!

- I finally got my hair done. It was $300. Yeah, you heard it here first.

- I cried a lot. I don't know. I feel like my life is shifting in a way that is juxtaposed to my past and so some old memories of loss and rejection have been re-surfacing. Idk. 

- Did I mention, I joined a rec league. I got out of the house and met people!!

- My biopsy was negative.

- My dental appointment was pretty good.

- I had the day off.

- I interviewed well for Job #2.

- I made my Dating Spreadsheet.

- I'm spending money.

- I've been spending time downstairs.

There was a thought going on that maybe I can reframe my stage in life right now. I've been lamenting that I haven't had all the things I wanted at the time I wanted. But maybe I can just reframe my life (but part of me is too fearful to choose happiness). Maybe this is that redo from age 17 when my life went terribly awry and I just couldn't see past the despair.

This isn't the promised land, but it doesn't have to keep sucking.

I was again motivated by something I saw on TV. There's a re-make of what I think is 13 Going on 30. But instead of the movie, the girl keeps going back to change things in her life.

So instead of being that 17 year old turning 18 that didn't get to go to Duke, I'm that 37 year old turning 38 that didn't get to move to California with Big Pharma and start my new life with my husband.

Instead of looking at it as ..oh this again. Maybe I get to re-write that narrative. The default is already woe is me, but maybe I get to cry and force myself to be happy anyway.

Being sad about it didn't change the wandering. 

I mean I kind of accept it; I just don't know what to do next. 

Do I just pretend I'm happy about it. I don't know what to do when I don't get my way.

Oh, I was scared of submitting my new SS card with my new name in case my job called me out on it. But today I did. I cropped out the date, so hopefully it works. Since I kind of regret it, if it doesn't work, I'm just going to let it go. 

I'd rather keep my job. I need to re-commit to doing the right thing and not trying to ruin things because I'm feeling bad at the moment. 

Speaking of money. In my timeline, I'm supposed to re-adjust my 401k from front loading to hoarding cash for my first year of FIRE, but I don't know... my savings goals just seem more flexible than they have in the past. I'm a little bit lost in what I'm trying to accomplish. Do I just follow the plan so I don't have to think about it or do I try to make it match where I am mentally. 

With the stock market down, I really want to be investing more, not just hoard cash.

I think my next money goal is to try to stay at this job for 2 more years. Reason - I foresee more housing issues and I think I'll need to get a new car. Plus, my job seems manageable. But I'm getting a new boss and we're restructuring, so I have to keep that in mind. 

I'm all over the place without goals and direction. 

It's hard to stay open to possibility and keep goals. 

I think I need to work on not having one bad feeling leading to a chain reaction of other negative feelings. Like I just want to control outcomes so much I sometimes make things worse. 

This is all over the place, but these are thoughts over the last few days that need to be fleshed out.