More Monday Mumbles About Dating

 Gosh has it only been a few days or a week since my last dating debacle. I feel like I've suffered for a century. These weekends really are getting harder to sit through. I wish I could just enjoy them like a normal person.

I remember being in college all those years and just wishing for weekends without a test or paper looming. 

I was on Bumble BFF and a girl wanted to meet up and gave me her number. I immediately felt pressure and I wanted to run away. It makes me think that's what must have happened with Dapple. I spooked him. It just felt instantly so much pressure. 

I get it. And I know it instinctively and I know not to take it personally. But easier said than done. What's funny about the situation with Dapple, the things I never got to say, is that I also don't like texting and calling. I find it stressful, disruptive, and anxiety-ridden. Yet when he didn't want to text or call me, I was offended and equated it with lack of interest. The internet never lies and neither do rom-coms. And they all say when a guy is into you, he'll want to call and text.

So I don't know. I get spooked when people move too fast or ask me to hang out even though it's the thing I want. Yet, I wasn't willing to extend the same grace to Dapple. I don't get it. I feel like I have to force myself to do these things. 

The issue I have with calling and texting is I'll have all these contacts and my phone never rings or beeps. So every single minute just feels like a rejection. 

But then here's this girl that wants to text and hangout and I immediately want to run away. What is that about?

So if this were dating, am I not that into her? What about it is making me so anxious? 

And my adult cousin is going to be in town in March. She has tried before to get me to call and text her. And now she's going to be in my area. Obviously, she wants to visit. I'm spooked again. But yet it's the thing I want.

I don't understand what my problem is. 

We spend so much time as a society focusing on what men want, but women feel the same emotions. I get spooked. I want you...until you want me back. I want to hang out..until it's actually time to do so. I think what's confusing is that I don't always feel this way about everyone. 

So then does it go back to the whole 'not that into you.' Are we that simple or are we that complex? I don't know. I didn't want to give out my new number because I don't want people calling me. But then no one's calling me and it's making me sad. 

I think I had more in common with Dapple than I thought.

I made a spreadsheet last night to help with dating. I hope it helps. It's mostly to help me manage my anxiety. Honestly, I had something similar with Dapple, and it helped a little bit until it didn't. The notebook was not accessible to me during the last month, and that made it hard. 

So I'm using this spreadsheet, I'll have to share a screenshot. I'm trying to use the past as learning opportunities, just like the internet says to do.

I already have my first subject. I'm scared of the rigidity. When things don't progress as I have them on my the spreadsheet, that might cause more anxiety. But mostly, it's designed to serve as a check-in with myself since I don't really have good objective guidance. This is my journey and my potential partner is on his own journey. The generic advice hasn't really helped me. No, thanks internet! It was too much information and it wasn't always consistent. 

So even with Potential Partner, I suggested a date idea, but now I'm already starting to feel scared. Like ugh, now I have to get dressed up and make conversation. I immediately want to bolt. This was part of the appeal of long-distance, not this immediate pressure to meet up. Then I lost my mind. When you're sending messages at 3a, that's not a good sign. 

Brain, why you so crazy. I have to stop beating myself up about this. Honor your journey. Honor your path.