This girl needs a hobby

 So for the first 6 weeks of the year, I was doing really well with Temperance. If only I had lasted 3 months with the boy, maybe things would've been different.

I don't know which mantra to follow when it comes to love:

The rules are the same for everyone.

If he likes/loves you, he'll do anything to be with you.

Love is hard.

Love is confusing.

Don't scare them off.

Don't show your crazy too early.

Be yourself.

Hold back your true feelings so you don't scare them.

Be patient. Wait for them to chase you.

Be bold. Make a move.

Be honest.

To me these are all conflicting. In the end, I let my true self out and it doesn't work out. I keep trying to let them lead the relationship. I read all the internet articles. Everything said to call him out. I did sense a change.

Should I have asked questions? Would that have made him feel backed into a corner? Are relationships supposed to feel this tenuous? Like 1 wrong word or bad action and dunzo!. 

That's so stressful.

That stress I was feeling with trying to decide what to do when I reach my FIRE number is creeping back a little but morphing into dating life.

I kind of just want to make up my mind by next month. Dude, next Friday is March 4th!! Not just March but like actual days in March. 

In a fit of despair, I paid almost $25 to Bumble just to see all the matches for a week. All duds. 

I do like Match because I can search all over the country. But no one is really "Liking" me which is strange. Same with e-Harmony. I don't know how beneficial it is to pay $300 to be rejected. I feel like the guy should be paying. Call me old-fashioned.

I wish I could say there's a pattern with these relationships.

I do think I try to follow online and general advice and that never seems to work. So then I get rejected trying to be someone else. But that's the name of the game. My true self comes off as abrasive and not "super fun." The reason trying to emulate Carefree Katie is my go-to strategy is that at least I am engaged in the interaction a little while longer. 

It's like interviewing.

I do feel each of my interactions have this high-stakes quality to it.  Where the guy is like, oh I'm giving you a chance just to see - don't F it up. And then I'm going back to Carefree Katie.

So I think after awhile, the pressure is just too much because I feel like I'm putting in all this effort and not getting results or even a little bit of reassurance.

It just sucks that this is the plight of woman 2000 years later. The dating books are still marketed for us when they're the ones that suck! 

I'm killing time until my shift is over for the day. 

I wish I could turn off Feelings. I wish I could sit comfortably in my singlehood. 

I'm glad I have the counselor though. I wish we met more regularly. Maybe I'll try to stay in the dating pool a little while longer or for as long as I have the sessions. Maybe not.

So it's about to be 4p. That's another 8 hours of nothingness until bedtime.