Settling for Breadcrumbs

Ahhhhhhhhhh! So many things have happened. I just held my first Comment Resolution Meeting. And no one really said anything. I decided just to take the 'everything's ok' approach. I mean I've seen quite a few people stumble.

Normally, I'd be so worried that the sky was falling, but I'm actively choosing not to believe that. 

I was soooooo nervous all week and even during the meeting. I was literally dripping sweat.

I'm so high on life right now just having done that. I have a lot of writing to do by pretty much EOB today. But I guess I technically have until midnight. I don't think I actually have much to do, just reformatting and sourcing some information to copy and paste.

The boy was on my mind for a lot of the early morning and then while I was waiting for the meeting to start but my brain is running on happy so I can't even bring myself down right now.

But basically I sent out an email blast on advice on what to do about him. My Racist Friend didn't respond. How lame. He is the primary reason why I second guess myself. I hate him.

Anyway the advice ranged from he's just wants to be friends to hang in there to initiate the conversation to ask for what you want. 

I'm afraid of asking for what I want because I'm not confident the answer will be yes. And at this time, I'm unfortunately settling for breadcrumbs. He's my last hope. If we end communication, it's unlikely I'll be back on the apps any time soon. I'm not ready to go back to talking to no one. 

But boy did I have some daring imaginary text messages. I basically want to dare him to come to NC and take me out. Old Me would have done it without thinking. But Desperate Me is not ready for the rejection. 

Part of me wants to play it cool until Valentine's Day. I wonder if he'll bring it up. So far, I think the safest thing is to play it like we're friendly co-workers.

He doesn't really answer my below-the-surface questions. 

It's like the more I feel rejected by him, the more I like him. Why are humans so stupid. That literally is a stupid response.

This is why my dare to date me feels like a Dumb MERJ Response. The one where when I guy pulls away you overcompensate.

Anyway, unless something bad happens, I still have a job.

And .... burying the lede... I got approved for a company phone!!!

I'm so happy about that!!! You have no idea. I didn't realize how deprived I felt without a phone. I still don't have anyone to call, but it will surely make my life easier!

The most immediate benefit is being able to file my taxes. You need a phone to access Credit Karma Tax, so now I should have one. I think I'm going to do them in March because I'm waiting to see if Student Loan Forbearance gets extended or not. I need to apply for Income Based Repayment before then. I guess I should probably get on that.