I finally went no contact

 So yes, I broke all the rules. I didn't stay in bed until 8a. Mean Brain convinced me I would get over it faster and fall back asleep sooner if I just got up and checked my messages. So between 2a nd 3a, I got up and checked my messages.

He still hadn't responded. I last messaged him on Monday around 4p EST. Today is Thursday. That's the standard 48 hours. And this was the second time in a row and one of many times this has happened. It freaking sucks! 

I tried to follow my rules, but then Mean Brain convinced me it's better to sever ties now then to wake up and feel the hurt all over again. Could I really make it to Friday? And what if he still didn't respond? 

I mean I was kind of over it after he waited 5 days to get back in touch at the end of January. This just felt like the final straw. Just the micro-rejections over time and the sheer lack of effort. There's a lot of 'maybe he's..', but I'm just not buying it. People do what they want to do. 

Love is simple. It's primal. 

So it wasn't a match in the end. 

I don't feel like working today. I want to get some donuts and an egg and bacon biscuit and wallow. I mean, what's there to really wallow about. This has been ending since it began.

I think it's less about him and more about the fact that I'm back to where I started. I'm just counting this as 2021 nonsense. This never happened.

While often an unreliable historian, Mean Brain is telling me that the world has been rejecting me my whole life.

So being in a relationship is officially crossed off the list for 2022 loose goals.

Do I want donuts?  I mostly just want out of the house. 

Surprisingly the desire to blow up my life is present but not threatening. Emotionally, I tried to think of a myriad ways to get back in touch. Luckily, I'd dismantled every possible way. Part of me wants to search on Teams and see if I can add him. Yes, still crazy.

Maybe I'll paint today?

10 minutes later...

So my big ballsy move in the middle of the night meant deleting my Google Voice number so I wouldn't have to wait for his response or lack therof. It felt powerful in the moment.

Then I remembered seeing you had 30 days to reclaim your Voice number. Being the #crazy that I am, I tried it. It worked!!! So now it kind of feels like I'm spying on myself. It's so weird because like my whole perspective changes. If I had left it, I'd be anxiously awaiting a response and getting mad. But now that this reverse act has been done. It feels like I'm spying on a secret. 

I'm actually excited to see what happens next!!!!!!!! Does he love crazy? Will he respond apologetically? Will my act of God happen and we magically fall in love? Or will it go unanswered as I suspect. Hopefully something happens by 11a or 12n EST (8 or 9a PST). 

Life is exciting again! I feel 17!!!