Anxiety makes me question my life choices

So many things going on today that have got me hyper, anxious, sweating, and just general distress.

The Boy

As expected, after opening up a little and using feelings words, he didn't immediately respond. I'm trying to play it cool and not freak out. Unsuccessful. I'm telling myself historically, his response times on Thursdays have been inconsistent. Now that I've seen some evidence that he's legitimately busy, it's hard not to consider it. But we all know the truth, I'm an emotional booty call at best. I'm just really not sure what he gets out of it. If this is a booty call, this is like calling someone over for a peck on the cheek. I think that's why I'm not that offended. I mean one text a day is hardly a huge lift.

It's just me that takes allll day coming up with a response. Since I'm obviously not willing to let this last bit of hope die as a result of me, then maybe that's an area I can relieve myself of the lift. Over the next 2 weeks, we'll be approaching the 3 month mark (but who's counting), so I want to try to respond more casually and not write 87 drafts of a text response. Next week, if we're still talking, I also want to try messaging him at 12midnight PST so he can see what it feels like. I wonder if he'll get the hint. I have no idea how to communicate with a man. I really don't. To me, it should be easier than this. But sometimes you really have to spell things out. I think that's actually true and not a factor of 'he's not that into you.'

But then again sometimes it is. I just feel like romantic interest should be pretty basic. When you like someone, you want to spend time with them. You think about them. You send them messages, you buy them things. He's just not there yet. So that hurts my feelings. Every single minute that goes by and he's not letting me know he's thinking about me hurts my feelings. It just feels like continuous rejection.

Because we're the same age, it reminds me of every college guy I was in some sort of situationship with. Yes, your girl is claiming these situationships. There was always this air of ...he might be interested but never enough to do anything about it.  Then the next girl they buy flowers for or take them on real dates. They're not the 'if only' girls. This feels like that. Except I'm #almost40 and it's just not cute. 

This isn't butterflies, this is anxiety!

The Interview

I don't know why interviews to this day still make me so nervous. Because it's like dating. I haven't internalized that it should be a seek-and-find on both ends. It's also just a lot of lies. Why does it still need to be a pop quiz. But just like dating, I alone cannot change the way things are. 

Update: the interview wasn't that bad. I was hopeful it was the only next step. 

The driver license

The biggest thing of all today is my license renewal. DMV people are gatekeepers in their own right. Today will be the day that decides whether I go forth in my new name or my old name. That DMV clerk has no idea the impact she will have on my life. I'm not sure I know what the outcome will be. Part of my nervousness is that my last experience was a bit adversarial so I don't know if they took notes down or anything. The plan is just to be upfront that I want to update my address on my old license and leave the new license alone for now. They'll either say yes or no. 

Because I'm so undecided, this is one of those things that I'm letting the universe decide. The next 20 years is at-bat. 

My life choices

Last night in a fit of angst, I was declaring a bunch of things while also trying to sleep.

I'm not running for office

I'm not adopting or taking guardianship of a child

I'm not applying for more jobs

I may very well have to live out the next 20 years alone - no friends or romance

I'll probably still help with science fairs cuz they're fun

I wouldn't mind coaching a team, but unlikely I'll figure out what I need to do

I just keep coming up with these really ambitious plans to fill my life. And in the end, it's not really working.

Maybe I'll focus on something new each year. Maybe I won't.

Maybe I will.

How do you plan the last 2 decades of your life.

I don't know what the stock market is doing, so it's a good thing I decided to FIRE with whatever my portfolio balance was at the end of 2021. 

Last night in the darkness and muddiness of night, I was confident I wouldn't apply for that Director role, but now I'm kind of like why not??

Has it already been decided? Haven't I already decided? Look where I live? 

I know drifting won't work

So I'll have to make a decision and stick to it unless something really compelling moves me to change my mind.

So far, nothing yet.

In other news

I might go take that smelly trash out

I have so many darn boxes in this house

I need to call the couch people and ask them for another cushion because the one I have did not re-inflate.

That's all for now.