A Little Teary

 I have a free day today... sort of. The work I have to do is to send an email and then park a document. I'm procrastinating a bit on the document. 

I decided I didn't want to wait 3 months or a month for Slow Fade. I'm already crying. I don't want to cry anymore. I matched with a military guy on Hinge yesterday.

I just saw my future and it made me so sad. He's military, divorced, with a kid, with tattoos and wanted to quickly move to calling.

What do you do when you're so high value that no one can afford you? What do you do when you're priced out of your current market.

I can't stop crying. I know I talk a good game about living in the Death House and giving up on life and especially love but that's not because I want that but because it doesn't seem like I can change the outcome. So I have to be okay with it.

It doesn't mean it doesn't make me sad. So today is one of those days where I wish I could just burn this house to the ground and start all over somewhere else.

I'm on Hinge and Bumble and downloaded eHarmony and Match. I'm going to pay for 1 if not both. I can live in the fantasy just a little longer. So far I think eHarmony lets you search other places so it's less weird than when I tried to do it on Hinge. 

The seriousness of paid membership is also a bit alarming to be honest. I think while we give these guys a hard time about not knowing what they want, I too, am on the fence. I think I just want to casually date and happen upon something great.

But to chastise myself where it hurts, I think I'll just pay the money. It's hard to understand the features of the paid sites to tell the truth. 

Do I really want to be the pursuer? Is something really going to be different? 

I'm going to eat my feelings and pout for the rest of the day.