Oh, Brain, You so silly

 Yes, after fretting all week and losing sleep for 2 days if not more, all is well again. I mean these future events seemed so life altering.

First it was my document and the subsequent meeting to review said document. I survived both, but to hear my brain tell it, you'd think it was the the end of the world.

Then it was the boy. 1 or 2 fitful nights over a text from a stranger that I've never met and IS NOT in love with me. When does the fun part start?

Then it was the interview. Again, yes it could have gone terribly and thankfully it didn't. But gosh, to hear my brain tell it, you'd really think my entire life was going to end if I didn't get this job with this stranger at this strange company doing a bunch of new things for money.

I've got to do better.

I'm loosely purposing to see what our new EAP system is offering. I want something to do with cognitive behavioral therapy, life management, high sensitivity or anxiety. Just some help. 

I'm trying not to get my hopes up about the next 20 years with grandiose plans but I do need to come up with either a 3 month, 1-year or 5 year statement of purpose. I need something to guide my decisions. Frugality was a worthy friend for the last couple of years, but now what. 

I still have a budget, so it's not like my life (aka spending) is a free for all, but that strict sword of frugality has lifted. 

I don't know. My work luckily for the most part stays in the background. I'm trying to let go of pride and ego. My goal for the most part is just stay employed until I figure out the next thing.

I see it in my actions when it comes to volunteering for stuff and my level of engagement. I'm trying to do just the minimum+. As close to exactly 120% as possible. No more over achieving. 

Spending more money has definitely come a lot more easily than I thought. I haven't cooked anything since the incident. 

The Name Change

As expected, the DMV gatekeepers wouldn't let me change my driver license address. She even tried to scare me by saying continuing to use my old license could be considered fraudulent. Oh well. Other than this blog, I'm not giving her a second thought. 

I was able to start the name change on most of my bank accounts. Some where remarkably easier than others. I anticipated having to print a few forms but so far, I've been able to get around most of it. My small credit union (as anticipated) is going to make things difficult.

The hard part is trying to manage the transition. I anticipate from now until I die, I will probably get at least 1 check written out to my old name. So do I keep one account with my old name? My initial thought is yes - my local bank.  I'm waiting until after we get paid next week at work to update stuff at work.

I forgot about the archaic Treasury Direct. Yikes. I think I remember reading that might require a medallion signature. Hot mess. 

Bank accounts seemed to be the biggest priority. I'm not sure why. 

Not sure what I'll do for email addresses and letting people in real life know. We'll see how that goes. Like most of my recent big events, there's no one to tell.

This feels very official. Like this is really the last third of my life.

Why did I change my name in the first place?

It's an idea I've had since I was younger actually. 

The last name of freed slaves has a storied past. 

I also liked in the Bible how people changed their names at stages in their life. In modern day, we have nicknames or married names. So some of that still carries over.

I really was just going to change my last name, but then it was like why not just change both if it's the same price. (#stillfrugal)

And then I thought I was going to get this cool job in California and really get a fresh start. That didn't happen. So then I kind of abandoned the idea until I moved and needed to update my address. But by then I'd already officially changed it in court. (#brokenmustardseeds)

So the name change didn't accompany the life change I'd hoped for but here we are.

I at least took a silent stand against a tarnished history.

This is my quiet freedom song. 

I thought life was more beautiful than this. But it's okay. It's all okay. 

So this is Phase 3. 

I made it. I lived longer than age 7. To many, that's a beautiful thing. I celebrate me. I celebrate the people that got me here. I celebrate the people on whose backs I've climbed. I celebrate the people that loved me in spite of myself. I hurt for them. I hurt for me. I celebrate me.

It may not have been the life I chose, but it's the life I have. I celebrate me. I'm glad this weekend is Valentine's Day and I'm alone. Right now on earth, I'm the person that loves me most. And that's okay. 

The countdown begins, I guess.

Twenty years of wandering in the desert. Did I ever find the Promised Land?

This is really how it ends?