The Last Text, Money Grumbles, Car Accidents

 I was nervous and in a bad mood all day yesterday. And it was Valentine's Day. And it was mostly to do with the boy because I didn't have much work yesterday.

I couldn't figure out my response. My heart of hearts knew our time together was coming to an end. You just feel it. On the outside the text messages haven't really changed. He still texts only at night, but I think something about the response time is off. While it didn't reach 5 days, taking multiple days to respond to a text once in a while is okay but not for a text that's a little emotional.

Brain won't even let me 'what if' anymore. It's been going on too long.

I mean we've mentally broken up basically since the first text so I don't know why we put ourselves through this. Even personality is not enough. I still blame that terrible picture. The girls on 90 day Fiance kept a guy interested with one hot picture. I got nothing. 

It's fine. Mean Brain is going to try to beat me up like this was somehow all my fault. The internet will say I didn't have confidence and competence.

But I maintain I'm the prize. I maintain that on this lonely hill we call singlehood.

So yes, last night was another sleepless night waiting for a text that never came. 

I wonder if it'll be Wednesday or Thursday this time. I don't want to wait up tonight as well, but it's hard to say what will happen.

I crafted so many "perfect" last texts I don't know which one to choose.

I was so nervous yesterday because it felt like an inflection point. I couldn't put a name to it but I think there was just a lot of pressure to say the right thing. This could be the last thing you say. This could be the thing that wins him over or pushes him away. That's a lot of pressure for one person and one text message.

I grappled with sending a long text or a short text. I struggled with sending it when I usually send it or go with my scheme of trying to schedule it to send in the middle of the night. I'm a little bummed I didn't try that. It occurred to me not to send anything at all until I was sure I knew what I wanted. I tried to figure out what I wanted to get out of it. I went with what I wanted to send. Although now, I do wish I'd tried the middle of the night text.  I spent so much of the weekend trying out the scheduled send via text. Grr. 

To be fair, I thought he would respond last night and I'd get a chance to start practicing the middle of the night texts. But we already knew he was pulling away but I chose to forget that I guess. 

I think that's what I couldn't say because it all felt like it was in my brain. But no, this is happening. This is the end of Dapple. When I start lying to myself or wanting to make grand gestures, Brain is pre-empting the rejection. I'm glad I didn't try to be flirty or send a sexy pic. That was what Brain wanted to do. I even looked up travel and lodging in Seattle. Yep, I was going to take it that far. 

I was going to squeeze lemon juice out of this stone.

So we're looking at a potential Friday a.m. response from him. There goes my week. 

I like to comfort myself by saying as far as he knows, I'm the one who is not that into him. I mean what's the difference?

Anyway, yes I joined Hinge to help me through this transition. Maybe as a reality check? Because it's kind of bringing me down. Only scrubs. I think I've had 7 matches in the 3 days I've been back on. All scrubs. 

Money frustrations

I made some progress on the name change. I decided to delay changing my name at work because I don't want to call any attention to myself before Bonus Day. And then I had a little bit of a quandry. They asked for an updated SS card. When I looked at my SS card, it was dated for 2019. Whoops. I wondered if anyone would notice and wonder why the name change was 3 years late. Wasn't sure if that would cause an issue at work. 

There's a good chance nothing would happen if the change was entered by an admin who didn't pay much attention. I could just say I go professionally by MERJ not MERJ 2.0. 

Either way, I didn't want to risk my bonus payout. That's a leftover goal from last year - just make it to Bonus Day 2022. 

So that's on hold until that happens. 

Then one of the banks has entered the new name wrong. And after 2 emails hasn't changed it. Grr.

Then my debit card has now been declining a little more often. It used to do it at the Popeye's drive thru always. Then I tried it in the store not even thinking and it worked. Then it's declined at McDonald's 3 times now. It's confusing and jarring. And honestly, these days I don't have many other ways to pay. I think if it happens again, I'm just going to have to walk away. 

Before the recent times, it'd declined at the Walmart the time I first came to see Death House about 2 years ago.  And it did it at Trader Joe's in 2020. I get so flustered. But now I know for sure there's money on it because I set an alert for low balance. 

I don't know if the card even registers the decline at the company.

So now it just fractures my confidence in my money plan. I was thinking of moving BillPay to this bank but these errors are too frustrating to do that.

I really like the cashback debit feature and the fact that the card declines rather than overdrafts if I ever had a low balance, but I'm casually in the market for a new debit card. 

Then another thing happened that was scary. 

I accidentally accelerated instead of braking and almost got in a car accident. It was after the McDonald's incident. This happened recently in my driveway as well. I was backing up and accelerated a bit too much and almost ran into the house.

I immediately thought of getting one of those parking stops but now I don't know. 

I'm not sure how to fix this. Am I distracted? Am I losing my mind? What's causing this?