I'm in a mood (and a personal case study)

 Today is Valentine's Day! Is that why I'm in a mood. I'm putting a lot of energy into slights and hurts that don't mean much.

I think reaching this level of FI has pulled a lot of things into focus. I simply don't have enough going on to occupy my time.

I am trying to fill it with a relationship but all that seems to do is hurt my feelings. I think although I'm trying to avoid making any seemingly final decisions, I need to make a decision about that. 

Do I maintain my position in the Death House or do I keep pulling out last minute swings for a Different Life. I just can't figure out how to meet new people or make friends. 

What am I doing wrong? 

I finally have the cash for an active social life, and my work load is very manageable. But I don't know what to do with all this free time other than stew on the fact that my life doesn't quite look the way I planned it. No matter how hard I try to, I can't seem to accept it. It's been 40 years. I live in this ridiculous house, in this dumb neighborhood.

Do I need to move or am I just blaming the house..using it as a scapegoat for other problems. 

Let me try that exercise I always see on Frugalwoods Case Studies.

What's the best part of your current lifestyle/routine?

I like working from home.

I like how light my workload is so far.

I like my low expenses.

What's the worst part of your current lifestyle/routine?

I don't have any friends.

I don't have any real interests outside of work and watching TV.

I don't leave the house much.

I don't have a social life.

I've never been in love and the prospects are dim. 

Where do I want to be in 10 years:

Finances:

I want to be fully FI on at least a $30k/yr lifestyle.

Lifestyle:

I want to live in a house and neighborhood I love (not just what I can afford).

I want to be madly in love and living life with a partner. 

Career:

Work optional. I'll be #almost50 so I should be well early-retired by then. 

I don't know how to make my lifestyle dreams come true. I had to take the rejection when job-hunting because I need money to live. Love and friendship just don't seem mandatory. It seems like a nice-to-have. 

I think my current career aspirations are mainly because I have nothing else to do so I'm trying to best myself. Because why not.

How do I still feel stuck?

Why won't my prayers work? In my mind I've been low key praying for love for 40 years. All the battery and bruising just makes me confused. Is it coming? Will I be able to recognize it? Did I miss it?

How do you keep your heart open but protected?

I think I'm putting too much pressure on myself about the boy. One minute I want to stop all communication so I can just move on. I tell myself, he's doing not much more than this blog except with 100x more anxiety. It's a one sided post every couple of days. I tell myself it's not worthwhile and bruises my self-esteem.

The next minute, I'm like why not. Let's see where it goes. Just one more message.