Restless, Moody, and Rejected

 Don't you wish for once my posts would just be happy and happy and happy! Yeah, me too.

I have been losing my mind over this dumb boy. Japple has faded a bit and now I'm obsessed with Dapple. Do boys feel this level of angst as well.

I'm convinced dating is a losing proposition for me without a strong support system. I need someone to obsess and analyze with. Or maybe I just need someone that's really into me. 

I've decided that Bumble in my area is mostly tradesmen and underemployed people. They seem to have no problem messaging me. But let someone with a job be on there... crickets. I paid the $20+ to see my likes on Bumble and it was a great start. I think with such unlimited swiping most of the dudes just swipe everyone. 

Lame. 

I have met 2 potential friends. Like actual girlfriends.

As much as I hate the game, there is something alluring when someone is not that available to you. I don't know what it is. And I hate doing it, but it works on me. Don't pay attention to me- I want you more. Pay too much attention to me - don't you have a life?

Then in the next breath I'm complaining, why doesn't this person like me!

I need help!

So that's literally been the last couple of days. I don't think I'm doing Match and E-Harmony right because no one is even viewing my profile. Do I have to pay? You can't really do anything without paying. And since I'm getting such minimal or low quality matches on the free app, I'm not that tempted to pay to be rejected. 

There's just something about rejection that makes you want the thing more. I guess that's not true. I still want Dapple or at least to feel understood and like you Definitely don't want me? Just to confirm. You've considered how amazing I am in all my many facets and you still don't want me. You sure, sure?

Knowing your worth is overrated. Sometimes I want the fantasy, and other times I just want someone, anyone. 

Now I'm fantasizing about going to Seattle. Should I have just gone in December like I wanted? Would we be together? Would he still not want to text me though? That would be hard to maintain long distance, I'd think. 

But obviously, after we met, we'd fall in love and either I'd move right away or he would love me so much, he'd call and text all the time.

I just can't understand someone not wanting to communicate with the people they love. At least initially. I'm picturing stoic fathers and quiet fathers, which I guess is a thing. But is it a thing that was allowed to happen. I think even stoic fathers must have written letters in war time, right?

Do people who don't like to text or call, join dating apps? Or date at all? No, right.

You can't have it both ways. Logical brain knows the truth, but Wishful Brain is trying to strong arm me. 

It doesn't help that my financial balances are down, my arm still hurts, I have a bunch of work due tomorrow, I have interviews this week, and oh yeah, I don't have a penpal anymore.

Why did we think this was a good idea? In both scenarios, I'm still alone. I don't feel less anxious. 

I'm tired of being sad.