The day before D-Day and I'm surprisingly okay (and loose goals)

 So tomorrow a.m. will make the approx 48 hour window for response from the Slow Fade. Technically it's today ...well technically it's right now. But historically he texts at night. 

This relationship ended in a whimper. Womp, womp.

I rejoined Hinge to try to soothe the transition but I received only a handful of duds for matches. I didn't even accept the matches. So that ended up not doing any good.

I guess I delete tomorrow as well? I'll need some sort of physical action to punctuate the moment. 

I'm not even re-reading whatever the text I wrote was. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if he texts me right now, tonight, tomorrow, Friday.

I'm worth the risk. My feelings are valid. Everyone knows the rules. I know what it feels like to be pursued. This isn't it. 

The wool has been lifted? What other mantras and affirmations are there. 

Other safeguards. I turned off the mobile device that has the Voice app on it so I won't be tempted to check. The alarm clock radio is still in my room, but I turned the Wi-Fi off. I might just remove it out of the room tonight. The goal is not to get out of bed until 8a when work starts. 

It doesn't matter what happens tomorrow. 

Normally, I would think of something big or small that would change my mind. My mind isn't even going there. You lose today, Wishful Brain.

This is my life now. 

It's not too bad.

Admittedly, I bought a homeless man some lunch in supplication for this prayer to find a partner. I won't do that anymore.

I might still feed some more homeless people, but not for prayer and supplication for a relationship.

I'm thinking I might do $20 in cash a month and maybe get it in $5 bills. And give it out to the first 4 people that ask. 

Yesterday was Tuesday at Popeye's where you can get a 2-piece (dark) for a dollar or two. I thought about going and getting a couple for some of the homeless people, but I didn't.

So those are my two ideas.

So recapping loose goals for 2022

- get a second job

- (date) - scratching that

- self care/ mental health care

- I guess doing more good

- getting out more? meh

I met with a counselor today and it was surprisingly okay. I didn't want to forget to ask her if she did counseling outside of EAP, but I regretted it. I should've waited until the sessions were done. It's too soon to presume we'll get along and I think it puts pressure on her. It got weird.

Anyway, she was refreshing.

I felt like I could be a little silly. I told her some loose goals were to date/get in a relationship and find a second job. But it's not completely true.

I'm more open to the idea of that than actively pursuing it.

I applied to 2 remote jobs at Amazon.

It's more something to do in my free time than something I'm going to make time for.  Like..oh you have a bundle of time today, do this default activity instead of twiddling your thumbs.

I think that's kind of what the above list is.

My new role is very project based. So when the project isn't actively churning out deliverables, there's not much work to be done. There I said it.

So yeah, if this keeps up, it'll be hard to give up this cushy gig. 

Satan will probably take it away from me. Oh well. He seems to get his way alot.

But as of now, I think I have pulled together all the documents I need to file my taxes.

I already requested income-based repayment for student loans based on my 2020 tax return since it's a bit lower than this year should be.

I have a phone for the 2-factor. This is HUGE. 

I think having the phone and the flexibility is a large part of why I wanted to go on an adventure overseas. I felt powerful and lucky. 

But yeah if God doesn't ordain my finding love, then it's not something I can do on my own. That I know for sure. I keep getting the feeling I have to wait 2 years. So, at some point soon, I'll delete the app again. Maybe tomorrow morning symbolically?

I prayed my prayer, I presented offerings. I tried to do it on my own. Valentine's day and the holidays have passed, so the deep urge has subsided.

I have the history of my ancestors that the life-affirming love I'm looking for is not in my bloodline. I'm sad about it, but it can't be helped.

Remember the quote from that Netflix documentary, people from the country don't dream.

So tomorrow's another day. I'm most looking forward to Friday. The next episodes of Love is Blind will be released. That will give me something to wake up for. I have a few meetings in the morning, but that is bookmarked on my to-do list.

I finally bought 2 additional Wyze cameras. Like I've been saying, the spend-gates have opened and seem to be blowing in the wind. 

At some point, I'm going to have to go back downstairs. I think once I get that camera set up in the living room (more of a psychological move than anything), I think I also want to get a white rug just to help purify the place. So hopefully when the sun is out longer and I run out of things to do up here, I can resume bi-level living. 

So that's it. I started the morning with a freakout but I stopped the bleeding.

As much as I want to meddle in the name change, I'm trying my best to leave it until after Bonus Day. That way I can just do the next batch. That's at least a month away.