Yesterday was not so bad

 Yesterday was not that bad. I had my early morning freakout because the rejection was too intense. It doesn't help that I had not much to do that day.

I'm still impressed that I didn't double-text. Now it just feels like a standoff.

I corresponded a bit with an old college friend. Proud of myself for not immediately jumping on a call. Tuesdays are my correspondence days.

I didn't call anyone I wasn't supposed to call. That's a win.

After the anxious feelings wore off - primarily because I felt empowered by scheduling the follow-up text- I was able to go about my day.

Somehow I re-channeled that energy into planning a vacation. I got stuck in a rabbit hole of Gate 1 Travel. It's the company I used when I went to Ecuador. The vacations I was looking at ranged from 2k to 3k. Now that I've loosened up my purse strings, I wasn't even sure what a good budget was for a vacation.

A quick internet search said 15% of gross income for vacation and fun. Ha! That's a ridiculous amount of money. So I did 15% of my historical spending ($30k) and 15% of my target FIRE spending ($20k) and came up with around $3k to $4k. That still felt like a lot but at least I had a starting point. 

Because my cash accounts are still pretty lean from last year where I put all extra money into investments, I was seduced by the credit card. I actually didn't realize this until I was nearing the end of the rabbit hole. In the back of my mind though, this was coming out of our March bonus. Not sure if I would've been as tempted if that bonus money wasn't an option. I actually don't think I'd have the cash. I would have to charge it and pay it off throughout the year. Luckily the credit cards I have are 0% interest. Definitely wouldn't put it on credit otherwise.

Anywhoozle! I spent pretty much all afternoon doing that. I was tempted by a 8-10 day trip to Spain, 8 day trip to Dubai, and an 8 day trip to Morocco.

Initially the website advertising had me really interested in the Spain trip. But to get the advertised deal, I'd have to travel at the end of March. That's how I got lured into the other locales. Their travel dates worked better with my project schedule. 

Although reluctant at first, I eventually started to think Dubai was where I wanted to go vs Spain. Yes, I want to go to Spain. It seems a bit like an old travel goal - Spain and Portugal. But spending 8 to 10 days looking at monuments and museums just did not have the appeal of Dubai. Especially not for 2 to 3k.

So Dubai started to creep to the top of the list. I was allured by an optional dune buggy trip and barbecue. I think I liked when more meals are planned and there was more of a sense of adventure. The European trip just felt like one you go on when you're in middle school or old and retired. If I'm in Europe for 8 to 10 days, I want to fit in a few more countries!

Somehow or another I stumbled upon the COVID-19 travel advisories. I think a couple of the bloggers I follow have been doing international travel, so that made it feel like it was okay to travel. The CDC Covid-19 travel advisories scared me for sure. Then Dubai also had just a civil unrest advisory. Ugh.

Yeah after about an hour or so of trying to convince myself that people are doing it, I just gave up.

The 2 bloggers I had in mind are definitely savvier travelers. I mean I just now got regular cell phone service and an iPhone. I went back into my geriatric cave and just felt overwhelmed. I don't even know how or where to get a COVID test. I certainly wouldn't know how to navigate that in a foreign country. Presumably, now that I've calmed down, it would be a thing someone could help me figure out. Especially since this would be escorted trips.

But that didn't seem realistic yesterday.

So I heeded the warnings by the government. A random trip to Dubai to quell some anxiety from having too much free time on my hands and ruminating over rejection and single hood seemed pretty non-essential.

Not wanting to give up just yet, I got back on the Groupon site. There's a chance I might go to Myrtle Beach, SC in March. I could do a 2-night stay for about $300. There's a Ben and Jerry's nearby. I'd be curious to see if they had any vegan flavors. I could just call and ask. 

Then I got some takeout that didn't turn out to be very good. Feeling fancy, I also stopped to get some cut fruit and chocolates. I watched a couple episodes of Love is Blind on Netflix. By then it was about 8p. I puttered around in the dark on the internet some more in the office. Then around 9p, went to the bedroom. 

I thought hmm, this might be what my life looks like in early-retirement. I mean these next 2 years are essentially the runway for that. It wasn't so bad. I did a little bit of work. Got lost in an activity (albeit fruitless). Got some takeout. Watched a few shows and went to bed. Not bad, MERJ, not bad at all. 

As long as dating is completely out of my system, I should have less emotional upheavals. Well, that's not true. Just not many of my own design. The rest of the world is still out to get me. 

I have a counseling session at 9a today. 

I'm proud of myself for not engaging in any self-destructive behaviors today. I did turn off the cellphone yesterday when I was triggered. I didn't call or text. I didn't wake up in the middle of the night to check messages. But this morning around 6 or 7a, I was mostly awake and did use the alarm-clock-iPad to check messages. Fail. There were none. I was triggered. I got out of bed and edited the message from yesterday. I took out the part about dating or ending things. 

I deleted my notes on how to manage the relationship moving forward. I re-scheduled the text. This sucks. 

I immediately wanted to blow up my life - I wanted to request the name change at work, change my name on my hub account, change my name on the account that's asking for way too much documentation in an unsecured way, do some stalking on Hinge, delete Hinge, call someone, text someone. Do something I would regret later.

But I didn't.

I stayed in bed and didn't get back up again until 7:30a and here I am. 

Oh on the debit card issue, I really don't know what the solve is. But I think instead of feeling embarrassed and not having a way to pay, I think I'll just transfer $200 as a cushion to my BillPay account. That way it can be my back-up. I was scared of being in a bind so this is a workaround until I find a more reliable debit card. 

I don't want it on the other Visa Card because that one is not closely monitored and typically only has less than $20 on it. Plus it's not tracked in my budget app. 

I did look up cashback debit cards and it looks like Empower offers a product I might be able to use. Not sure why I haven't pulled the trigger on that yet. My brain just isn't in the space for new money moves right now. 

And to celebrate other past good decisions - I'm so happy I never shared this site with anyone in my personal life. I do suspect someone might have stumbled upon it but if they won't fess up to it then I'm find living in my cocoon. I like it here. It's nice and warm.  That being said - I like my bubble. I like my revisionist history. I think this is how people start to lose their minds. They rewrite reality to feel safe again.