February

 I cleaned up a lot yesterday and finally put the furniture together. It's pretty hard and one of the cushions didn't really re-inflate.

I find some comfort in knowing that this is my final destination.

I have my driver license appointment on Friday. Goal #1 is just to keep my old name and update my address. I have had to convince myself that if they don't let me do that easily, I'll just accept it. I'll move on with transitioning to my new name.

Living in this house just has a finality and resignation to it.

I moved the futon to the office upstairs and now the whole room just feels cluttered. I had a nice spot for it against the side wall but all the car-sitting has made me want to sit in the sun. So right now I pushed he desk closer to the back wall and the futon is sitting in front of the window. So basically the desk and futon are taking up the middle of the floor and there's little room for much else.

One of my former roommates kept the empty boxes of different appliances or items she bought so she'd have them when she moved. It seemed like a good idea when we lived in the apartment and it did come in handy for my dishes, Cuisinart grill, and TV. But now, it's kind of making the place look junky.

I never really unpacked when I moved in because I mostly just had clothes that I won't need to wear. Ever. And a surprising amount of office related supplies. 

I have all my old journals that I never am quite sure what to do with.

I kinda feel like I'm just living in a storage unit. I think I'm going to start with getting rid of all these boxes. 

I had a bit of a freakout on Friday because the Boy did finally text me back but didn't ask for another call (i.e. a "date"). I emailed just about everyone I thought would answer. I mildly regret that because it didn't really help.

Now I'm just angry that my Racist Friend chooses not to respond. I hate him. I think part of me is trying to pay him back for using me all those years for dating advice and emotional support. This morning I wanted to email him back some nasty messages for not responding.  That was at 5a. Then I remembered one of my old notes was not to send feelings emails on Sundays.

Voila. This girl has not changed! 

My so-called brother also kind of dipped out of the conversation we were having about it. So freaking annoying.

So yes, in my feelings this morning I decided to take a breather from people for February. I need to focus on work anyway. That means my Maryland Aunty, my Shenanigan Colleague and yes, even the boy. 

One text a day just isn't enough.

Is he my cousin? distant relative? A work colleague? A boy I like? A boy that likes me?

Is he trying to date me? Or just texts me when he's bored?

I'm going to keep responding because Mean Brain won't let me stop. I'd originally decided to just treat him as a Penpal and respond during work hours. 

Do I trust my instincts? Do I trust the internet? Do I trust general dating rules? Do I trust his actions or his words?

It shouldn't be this difficult. It shouldn't be this tenuous - like one wrong thing and you've lost the person forever.

But really what have I lost?

Is this some divine plan in the exercise of temperance?

If there is no "One," then what exactly am I afraid of losing.

So I think I just need to washout and reset this month. 

Februrary will be a month of work and self care. No humans!