Ugh, Secret Love Strikes Again

 I took some pretty great pictures yesterday. They were mostly headshots so I was only able to use 1 or 2 on the apps. 

Yesterday was a little disturbing. I got off work around 5p and my internet refused to work until this morning. So eventhough my routine is mostly just watching streaming TV and scrolling through blogs until 11p, I felt out of sorts not being able to do either of these things.  Luckily, it's working this morning so I can continue to work. 

It's so funny, when I decide to make big moves on the app, I expect this grand response. I got bored in my area after I started seeing the same duds. So I switched my location to DC area on Hinge. At least I woke up this morning to 8 matches. That's 8 more than I've been getting.

I was excited...but alas... all duds.

I think something is going on with the algorithm. You know how you can tell - when you're shown duds. When I check my Burner Profile, she gets shown hot guys. Who also match with her. It hurts, everytime.

I want to ask my counselor today what to do. Can I really make this a goal? 

I applied for a few more project manager jobs and was promptly rejected.

Somehow this morning, I thought to reach out to a boy I crushed on in undergrad. It will be 10 years since we last spoke. I think I was inspired by a classmate's blog I stumbled upon. She reconnected with her h.s. boyfriend after 10 years and they got married. But she is white and they were actually in a relationship in h.s.

The boy I'm thinking of contacting is another Secret Love. Another boy I thought I could convince to love me with my award winning personality.

As I am still ruminating over the loss of Dapple as a love interest, it occurred to me that this love-convincing has always been my go-to. There's this unspoken idea that I'm not physically their first choice because I'm not a Katie, so if I could just convince them with my award winning personality, it would be okay.

But here's the thing, a lot of these crushes were from high school or college where we reasonably had at least a semester to a couple years to "know each other" and see each other everyday and thus they had ample opportunity to get to know me. And my conversion rate is 0%. 

So even my personality was not enough. That sucks. I never looked at it like that before.

So I think the takeaway here is ... if they don't like me right away (like normal relationships), there's no use trying to grow on them or convince them because it hasn't worked. That's just facts. 

There have been 2 people + Satan who have come back approx 6 months or more later only to realize I was the best thing that ever happened to them (hyperbole). 

I will say men really are lazy. 

I don't even want to get into it because I don't want to remember this.

But yeah, dating is taking longer and the results are hard to learn from. 

Do I stay on longer because what I'm looking for, factually, is uncommon? 

Did I already note on this blog that Kamala Harris met her white husband when she was 48 and married at 49. I don't want that. I don't know whether to be inspired by that or defeated. 

Do I just wait the 2 years that my brain is telling me to wait?

Do I just settle with a dud?

Do I settle and wait with a dud?

Or do I start framing my life the way I thought it would be when I moved into the House - solo.

So what do the next 20 years look like? 

Money Stuff

Before March came, I was driving myself crazy calculating and re-calculating numbers. It has been quite anti-climactic. Bonus day was great and seeing the actual net amount was awesome. I was grappling with what to do with extra money after I reached my FIRE goals - I decided to keep investing.

I confirmed for myself that I definitely need to keep FIRE Cash separate from my regular accounts. Once I see that money, it starts burning a hole in my virtual pocket. Weird, right. 

So I bought my second Savings Bond to hoard that cash.

I also for the first time in a long time have simplified my direct deposit at work. It's only going to 1 account this time. I'm trying to get to about $10k in my Regular account. My hope is to get to $15k (6 months expenses) in my regular bank accounts. I want that 6 month runway as I had before. Well my runway before FIRE was 1 year safety net because that just made the most sense as a single person who struggles to land jobs. But with a FIRE nest egg, 6 months should suffice.

So all that mental hemming and hawing and I'm back to just regular saving. I'm about $2k in my savings and hope to get to $10k. 

Any other investing is being done in my 401k as pre-tax and then after-tax once I max out pre-tax. So that keeps it simplified. Simplified got me here.

I still have to pay off the $800 on my credit card for the washer-dryer. And I think there are a few more things I want to get for the house. I have to renew my car registration. I have to take my car in for servicing. 

But now with most of the big money moves out of the way, I'm mostly just back to regular spending and saving like a normal person. 

I might pay off the $800 in one lump sum or pay it off incrementally. I have 0% interest for at least a year and the $800 will decimate my current savings balance of $2k.

So yes friends, I'm back to being a regular wage earner and spender and FIRE goals are safely in the background. I didn't quite reach $500k and I didn't quite reach the high end of the $40-50k stash I wanted for FIRE Year 1 and 2, but I'm comfortable with my progress and I think I'll get there eventually. 

Like most of my milestones, this was started with angst in survival mode and ended with a whimper. But hey, at least I reach them, right?

Now I just have to figure out the rest. Do I just start planning - or rather, continuing- my life as a solo person in retirement? Do I live the next 20 years as a hermit? Will that be the experiment - will I really be able to live 2 decades with minimal social interaction? Will that be the next goal - how long until I die of isolation and loneliness?

Let's not be dramatic. More women I know than not, just live without partners without anything theatrical happening. A life without a partner for the next 20 years will essentially be my life for the last 20 years except with money to meet my needs. 

Oh, MERJ, snap out of it!