Am I someone who cares what people think?

 I didn't think I was but lately I'm starting to wonder. When my teammate rolled their eyes at my Netflix queue the first time, it bothered me. But I just doubled down. 

I find myself wanting to make excuses or trying to make light of the situation and I have to actively stop myself. 

People are rude especially one lady. Doesn't mean I have to be. You can have your preferences. No judgement. I learned that from my counselor.

I just talked to a personal colleague and I was going on about wanting a white husband. I sensed some tension with her because she in fact does not have a white husband. I think she's had white crushes before and it's something I thought we'd joke about. But I almost felt like I offended her. I remember in a previous conversation not wanting to joke about it because it was like an understood thing. I'm not sure why I said it freely this time but she questioned it.

I think I was just doubling down on trying to avoid other people's triggers that I just wanted to be free myself. There are so few things I already feel like I can speak freely with her about that I think I just wanted to talk about this one last time because I'm kinda done asking for a white husband. 

Anyway, I was like sorry if it's not what you want to hear or something. Kinda still not sure how it was landing (why was it rubbing her the wrong way so?). And she just kind of brushed it off like well you're the one who has to live with him.

It was just weird. I think it bothered me that it bothered her. It's something that was just meant to be funny.  Anyway, I'm not sure where I was going.

I have no real big goals or plans for my 38th year of life.

I think I'm just trying to enjoy this 1 year sober period. Sober from being overworked and stuck on this FIRE journey. Sober from aggressive savings and churning at work to make as much impact as possible to make as much money as possible. I'm on a path of liberation and it's evolving and it's uncomfortable and I'm confused and reassessing constantly. 

I feel free but conditionally. So it's hard to know how much to extend my arms in celebration. I think what I did learn from aggressive savings and reaching some milestones a little early is that I don't have to to figure it all out right now. 

The uncertainty is uncomfortable. It's not where I do my best work. 

I don't have to assign long-term or residual meaning to every single instance. I think that's what I'm learning. All my life experiences don't have to shape me and mold me. I think I'm learning my core is pretty steadfast. The rest is more fluid than I originally thought. My interests can change seemingly on a dime or they can be longstanding. I still like a bargain. I still give people way too many chances. I still shy away from people who share their affection and attention in an inconsistent way. I still think I'm a prize and the rest of the world should act accordingly. 

So Love isn't in the cards for me right now. Maybe it won't be but I don't have to know right now. And it certainly doesn't have to be the thing that devastates me because I don't have it. It doesn't even have to matter. I don't have anything left to prove or disprove. I have no one else to answer to on earth. No one. Not one.  I am learning to just be. 

Like with other aspects of my life - do the thing that matters the most right now. It's a new shift in thinking. I have to fully realize it's not the way it's been. 

But I've arrived here and I don't know the code or the secret passageway for another way of life. The rest is yet to come.