Zero Fs Given

 So Bonus Day is today, and I'm not even that concerned. It's kind of up in the air and really haven't given it much thought. My workload the last half of the year was gift enough (so to speak).

I'm mostly concerned with dating and how obsessed I am with it. I even joined Facebook yesterday. Fantasy Brain is saying maybe there's someone I can reconnect with that might secretly love me. Yes, I want some secret love. But when I look through the Rolodex of my brain, I'm hard pressed to find any love connections.

A colleague shared a story of a man in his 70s that reconnected with a teenage love interest. It's the stuff of romance novels. There was even a secret love child that was had and given up for adoption. Can you imagine!!

I've never had a relationship, so there's no one to secretly love. And a friend of a friend just married her white husband and had a baby. She actually played the Zero-F's-Given game with her guy and it worked!!!

I just wish I had known!

I've had such mixed feelings about the latest dating app reject.

I actually engaged with a military guy because he was at least single, never married, and no-kids. And it was as ridiculous as I thought. Overweight and still trying to play the cool guy. He called me, 'hun' and I called him out and he snapped back with the whole I'm not changing for anyone.

Hmm, Dapple had said something similar. So in that moment, I equated Dapple with that guy and he no longer was in shining armor. I was kind of grossed out. 

I know I'm still single because I think I'm the prize and no one else seems to. I just reject the idea that I have to change who I am to accommodate them when we're the freaking prize!! 

So for the next 3 months, that's why I'm living in the fantasy. Then after that I can go back to falling in line and trying to play the game. I know it's not something I can play for long before I blow up. 

I chatted with my Racist Friend yesterday and it made me want to barf every time he talked about women and his focus on physical appearance. He always ends every talk about a potential girl with what if she gets fat. It's gross. He's gross. 

Well we know why he's alone. I think he believes the social media tropes that this is what "good" looks like. 

But guys like this are still allowed to exist. 

I mean in the end, is the best person you know really that much different than any of the other good ones. The margin of difference is sometimes undetectable.

At least that's where I am right now.