Another Divorced White Guy and some Minor Money Stuff

 So of course every hour on a dating app feels like a lifetime where I re-evaluate all my preferences and life choices.

So the March Flavor of the month (more on that later) was an Apple. The first few text exchanges were promising then of course there was a lull and I felt doomed. But decided to buck-up and not get so swept up in theatrics. But of course, Doomsday Brain never leads me wrong. Never (she said sarcastically). 

It's just hard to know what is reality and what is fantasy. We danced around a date, but he never really asked me out. And then I asked if he was okay with a virtual date and then crickets for 24+ hours. So I freaked out and this automatically moved him to the top of the interest list. 

So I added him to the Spreadsheet. 

One of the line items on there was Divorced/Kids. I realized I hadn't checked but I just knew he had to be single. I didn't want to think about how I would feel if he was divorced. I don't know ...41 just seems so young to be divorced. And I think with him being FIRE'd, I figured he couldn't have been able to swing that and a divorce.

I think his financial solvency just made him such a catch, I didn't want to entertain any potential strikes.

But something he said made me wonder. He was in the process of getting his house in a bustling city ready to move to the burbs. Errrr, what? Who does that after they FIRE? No one! So then I asked if he was divorced.

Home boy is separated (read: still married!!). I'm trying to reconcile it but I immediately thought:

- You're still married!

- Why didn't you tell me?

- Why did you present as single?

- I mean I want to say I understand that separated is a lawful thing but that means you're less than 1 year from being divorced. Are you really ready to date? Is this the reason for the hesitancy? Do I want to be someone's post-divorce first pancake? I also want to know if I think you're such a catch, what's your actual damage that your wife left you? Most of all, is it another divorced white guy who wants to try something "new" with me. I don't want to be anyone's "opposite" of their ex. I don't want to be anyone's consolation prize. I don't know. It's a trend that has been my experience on Hinge. A lot of divorced white guys who now exclusively date outside their race where they didn't before. From my perspective, part of it is unresolved hurt. I just think it's weird that now you only want to date non-white women. It's weird. That's my truth. 

Plus, divorced. 

It's just hard to know how to reconcile what you want vs what's available. 

So I was prepped to move him off the checklist. The other prospect, prompted by the Separated Guy, I asked him if he was married or had kids. He has a 2-year old. 

I don't know why I have this mental block with the divorced and people with kids. I think it's just this artifact of your former life and I'm just all about the clean break. 

Maybe in my 50s I'll be okay with it. 

I meet with my counselor today. I'm curious to see if she has any perspective on it. 

So that's the update.

Oh, the other thing was I was re-committing to my area. I was going to stay out of Seattle because I had to give up the ghost on being rescued and whisked away from here. But then I remembered, oh yeah, it wasn't just that. There just aren't that many available age-appropriate guys in my area. For the fantasy that I wanted - a financially stable, educated guy, who has never been married with no kids. That's just not in my area in high volume. So that's why.

So I changed my location back to Seattle and boosted my profile for 24 hours. I spent $22 and got NADA!!

So I'm all over the place. I think I was reading yet another internet article about someone just getting off the app right away and that changed her experience. I considered it for a moment but realized that's not what I wanted. I don't want to just go on dates. I want to find a partner. The success for me or tracking of progress isn't getting dates, it's meeting someone to be in a relationship with. 

I had tossed around the idea of taking a break after 1 eligible match per month. I thought Apple was the match to explore this month. He turned out not to be that eligible since he's still married! So what do I now. Do I hunt for another match for the month or do I call it? Bachelor #2 had a 2 year old, so those were really my prospects.

I think mentally, I considered that the eligible matches for the month, so I'm a little over it.

Money Stuff

So, my name change got approved at work! Yay, it was a source of minor stress that now I  feel giddy!! I was going to change it on my Hub account, but I think I want to wait until I make one more money move. I'm curious if the paycheck will successfully deposit since the names don't match. So we shall see. 

As for my 401k, I was supposed to switch it back to 9% contribution per pay period, but decided I want to play in this down market a little bit longer. And not wanting to complicate it, I just decided to do that in my 401k vs taxable account. So I'll leave it at 50% for one more month (March). After that from April on, I aim to do 6% which should only be around $300/pp. I'll go over and that will be invested after-tax which will be fine. I still want to hoard 1 year of FIRE Cash just to close out this goal but not at the expense of my yearly expenses. I still am targeting a $30k spend for the year. 

Oh, I finally got my refund from Lowe's. So I need to get to buying a washer and dryer. 

You are allowed to feel what you feel

So this is actually something that Dapple said to me when I was feeling all my feelings. So yes, friends, I royally messed that up. If I could do it all over again, I would have just asked him how he felt and what he wanted to do. When I finally did, I'd already bungled things and he said we should go our separate ways. So yeah, I have to respect that. Instead of trying to change the outcome. Yes, he rejected me. Yes, I feel sad. Yes, I keep replaying things to see what I could have done differently.

I just finished my counseling session and she affirmed that feelings just are. I had been laboring under the misapprehension that I shouldn't feel all these feelings. So, no, said the counselor, feel the feelings, endure. You just endure and let them pass. So a lot of my anxiety was trying to avoid them or eliminate them. I don't want to feel anxiety, so let me do this wild thing. I don't want to feel this rejection, so let me do this wild thing. No, just feel the feelings. I can feel some feelings.

I can pine for a guy for 10 years. I can feel that rejection for 38 years. You just endure. That's it. But I don't get the residency thing. She said don't let it take residence and let it change how you feel about yourself. 

I don't know why they keep telling me it's because I feel inadequate. I'm pretty insistent that I don't feel inadequate but that seems to be the psychology space I'm being boxed into. 

Are there people who prefer you wait 2 or 3 days to return a call or respond to a text message or email? I think that's most people.