37 Years

 So today is my last day as a 37 year old. Wow. What have I learned? Should I reflect?

Most of the time I just feel like I'm living the same nightmare over and over again.

Other than school and finances, everything else just seems out of my control. And I just have to deal.

It's a rainy start to the day which means softball is probably cancelled. It rains a lot here this time of year, usually  in April I thought but I guess it's starting early this year. 

This does not bode well for the season. 

I've already kind of lost momentum. 

But I'm choosing to be happy instead of resting in my grumbles.

I'm struck by the goals sheets I have posted on the wall in my office. It really helped to keep me motivated.

There has to be something there I can apply to dating. I just can't figure out how. 

I want to think back to the job hunt and that turned out to be a fiasco. It was a lot of dashed hopes and broken dreams. I think the lesson there might be that I've been most successful with referrals or an in somehow. 

Looking online was wasted effort. Seemingly fruitful but ultimately led to nothing. There were the 2 I opted out of so we'll never know if I could've gotten it on my own. 

So who has the "job" I want. Because that's what happened. My uncle and aunt got me jobs at their company in my late teens and early 20s. And 2 classmates got me jobs at call center #1 and call center #3. 

I want a white husband, so maybe I need to reach out to people who have white husbands.

But Facebook just disabled my account, so I don't know how else to find people to reach out to.

But then the last 3 girls I know that got married met their partners on apps, only 1 was a white husband though. Hmmm. I don't know. 

On the other hand, Satan reached out to me on the app. So maybe this means my person is right around the corner. I read somewhere that sometimes Satan will get in the way of your answered/delivered prayer to confuse you.  

I'd love to say I wasn't tempted and haven't thought about it. I hesitated to even give it space on the blog but I was tempted and I did think about it. I really wanted a romantic date tomorrow and that was almost nearly a guarantee. Either that or he'd murder me. And I was willing to take that chance.

I'm going to die alone anyway, Mean Brain tells me, might as well go out in style.