Never Been Kissed

 I feel like I've blogged about this before but it's feeling especially salient right now. I don't know why I've become so obsessed with finding love. It consumes my every waking moment and even some of my sleeping moments.

My birthday is on Friday. I'll be turning 38. Thirty-freaking-eight! 

I've never been kissed and it sucks. Since my counselor sort of gave me the OK to feel all my feelings, I feel like that's all I want to do. Feel all the feelings. 

I woke up sad that my prayers aren't working. I keep trying to commit to a prayer diet or prayer fast. I don't know what it's called but basically pray a prayer for a certain amount of time. But I get so discouraged praying for love.

I feel like it's a prayer that's been in my heart for 38 years. If God hasn't answered it in almost 4 DECADES, what makes me think he'll answer it now.

I'm torn between trying to suppress how much I wanted things to work out with Dapple (read: cute, successful, educated, financially stable guy) and trying to contact him and giving up on dating altogether.

In the middle of despair, I got a potential match on Hinge. And everything is good again! 

My heart was still telling me it's a 2-year journey. But can I trust that?

Side note: I think Hinge puts you in a holding pattern for 1 week when you rejoin. I got NO matches in Seattle that first week..well maybe 2... and now I got 2 overnight. 

I've made so many bargains with myself.

The current one is:

Stay in Seattle until 11:59pm EST on Thurs, Mar 10 (1 day before my birthday). Then after that of course, you have to face the music that you'll die alone forever having never been kissed.

I gave up on this at 27 because who wants to be a 37 year old still feeling butterflies for a crusty old man. I was right. This is not what I want. I want the fantasy. 

But somehow, the boy-crazy feelings came back. They refused to be battened down. 

I'm so disappointed I spent $300 on this hair for a date that never happened because... married. 

I made a list of all the undesirable traits I find in my current dating pool and ranked them from least worst to worst-worst. I just needed to figure out how to accept this. It's either this or nothing. And old me was like I'd rather have nothing, but apparently that's not true. My face frowns just thinking about it. Having to hold your nose and close your eyes just to be with someone. But then I look around at death House. I'll probably stick to it for a couple years and then go back to being alone. 

I've always been the girl with 'long eye' as they say where I come from. Always wanting what I can't have or just beyond what I do have. 

There's another fantasy where I reach out to Dapple...you know just one more time... because obviously the 3 months we were in contact weren't enough... he just needs one more nudge to magically fall in love with me. The fantasies have been...

- If I get the 2nd job, I'll contact him either on Hinge or text to tell him the good news. There will be some winding tale of how I made contact

- I wish I had suggested we take a break for a month so I wouldn't be in this turmoil.

- I wish I'd had a longer timeline...like 9 months before I called it quits.

- I was wrong.. breadcrumbs are better than nothing. I don't know where all this 'knowing your worth' and 'claiming your power' came from. I'm just alone with no prospects. There's no chance!

- I contact him in 3 months because the internet said so.

- I contact him in 1 year because he'll be turning 40 and allegedly desperate. 

But I don't think men are like that. My brother has turned 40+ and seems to be in no rush to make any major life changes. If they feel any sort of societal pressure, they sure don't show it.

Here are 6 undesirable characteristics of my current dating pool. From worst-worst to least-worst. 

W6: Poor/ under-employed

W5: Military

W4: Dad

W3: Divorced

W2: Overweight

W1: Bald

Here's what I want: cute, financially stable/rich, never married, no kids, not fat.

Yeah, I didn't think I prioritized looks but when the dental hygienist was like I tried dating people I was unattracted to and I just couldn't do it, I laughed, but now I'm like hmmm.

I definitely noticed I don't try as hard with people who possess the traits above. Dapple was none of those things. 

I think that's what makes me so mad sometimes. When these men who go after women who are opposite them physically and still think they can act crazy. I feel like those are the rules, when you're not as attractive, you have to try harder. I do, and so should you!

But eternally, poor, overweight dudes still think they have a shot with hot girls. I'm here for it! That mediocre white man confidence is a thing to be bottled.

So yeah, I'm gonna bat out of my league as well, she scoffs.

And then I get a dose of reality. 

So I think life approaching FIRE, I felt like I had to lock in a life decision. 

It's just tough to know what to do. Being ready for a relationship isn't a default setting for me. It's effort in attitude and physical appearance. I have to try. So, I need to decide what I want to do so I can take the appropriate steps and make arrangements. 

Maybe it's a day at a time? It can't be. 

Maybe it's being on the apps consistently for a full 3 months. Even if that means I hide my profile. 

Maybe it's 3 months of going after what I want, the way I want, and then after that settling for what's left. Or split the difference?

If I do it 3 months my way, then 3 months of Reality, that should take me clear to September. That's the year gone. I guess that can work. 

Then September I can be free. That will be just about a year of this nonsense. Do I go to Seattle? I want to go to Seattle! I want to go on dates and be kissed and feel pretty. 

Do I go during Fantasy 3 months or in September when the weather is nice again? My hair is already done for the next 3 months. I don't see myself spending more hair money in September.