Boone Cancelled

 I don't know what's going on. It was harder to cancel the reservation than I thought. I think I'm just stressed from work and I needed to control an outcome.

Since it was already paid for, it seemed easier just to go. But I didn't really want to go.

But somehow, I didn't really want to cancel. Rational Brain said to sleep on it. 

The thought of spending $800 to stay in another part of NC didn't make that much sense. And really the getting away and away from this death house was essentially already accomplished with my Seattle trip.

I think I'm just trying to rein in my emotions.

All or nothing.

Either I get to pursue this fantasy Hot Girl Summer or I don't.

Since I'm not going to Seattle that means a Bummer Summer, so I cancelled the trip. Keep it simple, stupid.

It was starting to get confusing what I was doing in Boone.

I looked up a few restaurants and it looked okay. Like, sure I could get up and go there.

I feel unsettled.

I think I'm tired of running away from this pain and this lingering effect of dating.

In the end, what was the big deal. If I need to book again, maybe they'll still have availability the following week. 

I hoped cancelling it would take it of my mental plate but it didn't really. 

I thought about changing the reservation to the following week, but it feels personal with AirBnB. Like with a hotel, I'd have no problem because I don't have any responsibility to them. But AirBnB feels personal. 

Maybe I should have just waited until I finished the final draft of my document. 

Maybe the monthly trips will just be a distraction to help me get through the summer. Maybe it doesn't need to be much more than that. 

I don't know. I need to define some better objectives I guess. 

That dream died

 So I would say probably since 5a or 7a this morning, my mind was ruminating on my summer plans. May is upon us after all!

The thoughts were:

- Go to Seattle in May for 6 weeks (for about $8k)

- Go to Seattle in the Fall for 6 weeks (for about $7k)

- Go to Boone next weekend

- Take a week long trip (~$800/ea) every mon from May to Aug (since no student loan payments)

- None of the above.

Here's the trouble I'm having with spending money- What are the limits! For the last 4 years, it's been easy to say No to optional trips like the above. It wasn't even an issue. I worked in an office where I was actively working 8 hours a day. It was enough to have a staycation and order a bunch of a takeout. And then the last year or so, I figured out how much I needed to live and auto-saved the rest. So that was not even an issue. And oh, yeah COVID. So last year was the easiest year of my life, in terms of financial decision making.

Lots of rules and few options. 

This year. I'm all over the place. I frontloaded my 401k in the first 3 months to make a final dash to reach $500k. Once that was done, I wanted to take a breather and figure out what it was like to actually spend the money I make. 

I mean I've only been working for 6 years and still have yet to spend like I actually have a job. The fun of frugality kind of wore off.

It sure doesn't help when people around me are on the regular trajectory. Buy house, buy bigger house, nicer car, cool vacations, etc. 

It really is the company you keep! The FIRE blogs got a little boring, so that didn't help. 

What also didn't help my case was that I have 4 open credit cards for the sign-up bonus offering me 0% interest rate for a year. It's a slippery slope.

Without these cards, none of my silly thoughts would even be a possibility. At least right now. 

But it's been surprisingly hard to ignore that I have them. 

Maybe I should just close them! There's no real reason to keep them open. 

I might keep one Visa one for the next couple years (or open another one next year), since travel is not completely off the table the next year or so. 

If I do do that, I'll want to make sure to just go ahead and overpay the card BEFORE booking travel, just so I won't be tempted to carry a balance. Or shop for travel with a long eye - i.e., I'll be able to pay it off eventually.

My Penpal has now let 2 days pass between our last correspondence. I was already put off by the 1 day, this just kind of makes me feel meh. It makes me glad I didn't give my number to the Iranian because I'm sure it would've followed the same path. #BeenHereDoneThat

It was nice thinking, if anything, he would be a default person to date in Seattle. But this does not look promising. But on the other hand, that was the purpose of email. A long grace period. Once a week is actually fine by me. He goes on the Tuesday schedule just like everyone else. 

So maybe I use the Boone trip to kickoff my Return to Normal Life.

I do still want to have a Single Girl Summer, but I just wonder what that looks like if I take dating out of it. But maybe it'll be fun at 39. If it works out with work schedule, fine. If not, that's okay too. 

But surprisingly, I'm feeling more like I have a clean break from dating. This feels okay. 

Maybe I don't recreate the past and try to make the puzzle pieces fit. The dream was for once to have it all going for me at the same time - friends, living in a city, money!!, work-life balance, energy, love, adventure. 

Oh well. It'll be a grey bucket list item.

I'm glad I tried to give myself the 2 weeks to figure out what the heck I'm doing. The timeout has proven fruitful if not mentally stressful.

I'm not that excited about the Boone trip, though. I really don't have any desire to visit another part of NC. I haven't gotten over the prison vibes I feel living here. 

So a lady I met in the airport at Seattle just invited me to go with her and her family to Hawaii in August. How funny!

It took a little while but...

 It took a little while, but... a lot of things.

It's been 1 week since I left Seattle and I have spent the bulk of the week trying to figure how to go back and even IF I should go back.

Today, I feel meh.

My Seattle Penpal appears to be playing the waiting game and it's royally annoying. I just want someone to be into me. It started off well because he did send me 2 emails back to back which I liked, but now he's doing them a day apart.

I freaking hate that noise!

And I woke up today wanting to message the Iranian. This time my Brain is telling me, oh it'll only be for financial advice. Yeah, right. I am a little silly, but I can see right through you. We've been together for 40 years, Brain. You're like the Bad Friend Influence.

You pretend to be all nice to me, and then you make me do bad things that seem fun in the moment but just end up in mental chaos. 

What do you do when your Rebellious Friend is your only friend and also your Brain.

It's getting easier and easier to loosen ties with my committee members. I was trying so hard to force it and make it happen instantly. But it's the natural progression of things. Each day we talk a little less. There are a few more minutes between interactions. And then I think by the end of this year or maybe even next, it'll just be Casual Mentions. Oh well.

So yeah, I can't figure out how to make Seattle work or even Single Girl in the City. I'm semi-committed to waiting the 2 weeks (time between my last and next counseling session) before touching dating again. 

Whoops, I get interacting with Seattle Penpal kind of counts. But I'm proud of myself of not trying (again) to convince Boy I Kissed to do the thing he already said he didn't want to do. 

There are essentially 18 months left in pre-retirement. No pressure, right! 

Yet somehow I still end up here.

It would cost at least $30k in housing to live in Seattle as a Single Girl in the City. So I rationalized, I could try to get a part time job (or maybe even a full time job) to supplement the cost. If I could make even just $1k a month, that would help subsidize my stay. 

I actually sent an email to a posting for 2 summer jobs just to see. They were filled. Nothing too devastating, but it would've been a good place to start. Feelers of sorts. 

I even searched on Indeed for full-time jobs. I got a little sick to my stomach thinking of applying, interviewing, and even working full time again. ( I do still work full-time now it just doesn't feel like it sometimes because my schedule is so flexible.)

But this Single Girl in the City is both a dream I'm stuck on and also a broken record. It could certainly qualify as a bucket list item. How much am I willing to do or pay for it?

I did find a place for $1500/mon that was nice, but it wasn't really in the city. That wasn't really the dream. I've already lived in the burbs. And if I'm going to be driving everywhere and going to the grocery store in the car, that's already this life. 

So I think I might be a day late and a dollar short on this dream. 

The Bible verse from yesterday was something to the effect of, I'm not letting go until you bless me!

That's kind of where I am or was.

That vision of God intervening in 2 years with a partner doesn't seem as sharp. Did I make it up?

I did halfway start thinking of Death House as homebase. I kept reading that in the reviews for lodging: Great homebase! Great location for a homebase!

So in that way, I'm grateful for my homebase. I've always appreciated the value of living in Cheap House and its impact on my FIRE journey. I don't take that for granted.

It's like Call Center #1. No matter how much turmoil I was in year after year of whether to stay or leave when my lease was up or even strong feelings of feeling stuck, I always felt fortunate that it was a good-paying job with easy to hit metrics. It felt secure, so it was hard to leave. It met its most basic needs in my life. 

I think I just wanted to try again to have all the things at the same time. I don't remember why I didn't go out or try to make friends or even date when I started working or at Call Center #1. I did just the opposite. Maybe I'd come out of 30 years of trying all these things and ending up alone. We can just say I was in recovery. 

On my list of things that are known to hurt me: (literally posted in big font on my wall to remind me)

- Friends

- Family

- "secret love"

- Faith in a 'more life' or better outcome

So this is basically what I already know has caused significant chaos in the past (over and over and over), yet I'm trying to upend my life to chase it once again!

What the heck! 

Am I crazy? Here's fire, play with it! 

Sigh. 

What do I do?

Obviously, I'm an emotional cutter - this time will be different! 

We already know I have a habit of trying to convince people of different outcomes. What, you don't like me? You want to end our connection? Obviously, this means I should contact you every other week!! This time will be different!! I just need to say or do this one thing! Then this time will be different!!

If I were still aggressively saving, the answer would be easy. Heck no, don't spend money on unstable outcomes. It would even make this planned Boone trip easy - save all the money!

I got distracted because I had to let the Orkin man in just now. (So a full 20 or 30 minutes have actually passed.) 

It's a nice cool day. The old lady walk was at 8a this morning which was a little earlier than it's been in the past. And actually, duh! I forgot Orkin was coming today anyway. So, it's a good thing I stayed! It was definitely too early to piece all that together. Good thing I didn't have my heart set on going on the walk today. 

So at least I have 2 trails I can walk in my Retirement Life.

The more I hang out with these old ladies, the more I can get used to this being an okay place to retire. Just maybe not at 40. 

So yes, even if I spend all my money and only max out my 401k, I don't think I could afford to "live" in Seattle for any length of time. How do people do it! 

But of course, now that I say I can't, I'm going to try everything in my power to make it happen!

I've put off my work that I really should have done today, for this weekend or Monday!

Well I got to take advantage of this flexibility somehow!

So just some comments on my life now. There are things going well.

The weather has been awesome this week. It's even cool today. I have the heat on my feet!

My staying upstairs to sun myself in my makeshift sunroom until 7p has also been working. It makes the Downstairs time seem less and makes it go faster.

I haven't cooked much in the first four months of the year, and honestly who cares.

I've developed a slight penchant for Chipotle burritos. Even when I tried the alternative of getting the kids menu to lessen the cost, it didn't quite work. So I'm paying the full $12. Wow, who am I?!

A $36 Fee and other stressors

 I want to be madder than I am, but I'm such a live wire right now I don't know which feeling to feel first. I mostly just want to go to McDonald's and get chips and watch TV.

I have to run a meeting next Tuesday and kind of wanted my final draft completed. I think I started off thinking it was going to be easy, but at the last minute, a bunch of issues came up.

I have a pretty low distress tolerance. Sigh.

I get all jumbled up and want to hide from the world.

My Seattle penpal and I have exchanged a few more emails now. Am I starting to catch some feelings? Um, a bit. 

I think I want to learn to day trade a little. I want to turn 5 or 10k into many more Ks. But I think I'm only willing to lose $1k of my own money. Or this might all be a ploy to reach out to Date #2 from Seattle. Probably the second thing.

I definitely need a hobby, and making more money seems like a valiant one.

I hate that when I'm stressed I question all my life's choices. 

I made up my mind yesterday that I would shelve the Seattle trip planning or thinking until after the 2 week mark (so May 7), but I got caught in a rabbit hole.

Still figuring out when to speak up to colleagues. I do have a half in- half out mentality right now. While I'm trying to enjoy the right now, I can't help but look further into the future and wonder what the long game is. 

I'm trying to do my best but also stay under the radar. I don't think I could really do a leadership role in this job. I don't know. So that makes me feel a little uneasy. 

Anyway, the stress of upcoming deadlines just has my mind all up in a tizzy.

Oh, the fee! I bought Peacock but it was on an old card and got charged a $36 fee. Grrr!!

I hate when I lose track of my accounts like that. I've already been wanting to get rid of that account and now this. 

Oh well, I'm trying not to dwell on it. 

The other thing I'm not sure about is VTSAX. I was so excited because I made some big girl moves. VTSAX was down and my target date fund was up a bit, so I traded all my Target Date Fund for VTSAX at bargain prices. But then I wonder with VTSAX being so high per share and my relatively low time horizon, is it better to have more shares or this share.

I think I prefer more shares. So now I question whether that was the right move. Oh well. 

I had been gung ho about moving some of my 401k money out of target date funds to another pricey index fund, but I think I'm not going to do that based on the above logic. I'm not trying to live forever. I think in the 20 years I'm projecting, I'd rather just have lots of good shares than a few 'very good' shares. 

When I look at the Target Date Fund and VTSAX over their 52 week high vs 52 week low, the dollar amount difference is pretty similar. So that would benefit me to have more shares!

I think a part of me is still leaning towards making the next 2 years my last hurrah -for a lot of things but life experiences in general. Large expenses, love, one more "last push" to make a life I want to live before settling down for The Final Countdown. 

It's brought on by the 2 year lockdown, reaching FIRE, and just overall neutral feelings about work and life in general. 

I don't think I'll pull the trigger, but I'm still intrigued about living somewhere else for the next 2 years. Like can I live before I actually retire and die. 

It's just been survival for so long.

I think hearing one of my committee members talk about their sibling living in Alaska for 2 years just to get away kinda gave my fantasy life. 

I want to be FIRE free, I want to just spend money, go out, make friends, fall in love. I guess as much as I do all these things to take myself out of the running (gold tooth, hysterectomy, Death House, etc), there is a part of me where hope never dies. 

I want to live out loud. I want to keep trying until I get it right.

But Rational and Historical Knowledge Brain are the gatekeepers to this crazy-trying to live a fantasy.

I think I need to reconcile what are realistic expectations vs what is maybe portrayed in happy media. 

I'm not entirely convinced there is more to life than this. 

Does It Even Matter?

 So yes, with nothing else to do, I spent much of yesterday looking up different trips to Seattle. From 1 week to 3 months. I even looked up summer jobs.

I think for the most part, I'm not really that interested in spending summer there. It would just be a May-mid-June thing at most. 

In the end does it even matter?

There's nothing really to base the decision on. So then when I'm not sure, I try to go biblical. Obviously, God doesn't want me to go hoe it up in Seattle for a summer. And then there's this idea that I am going to be sent a partner next Fall. So there's that.

I mean I want to go because these empty days are a) boring and b) feel like a limited time offer.

I just want to make the most of it, you know. 

Although my asset value is dwindling since hitting my FIRE number briefly, I still consider myself leanFIREd. So I have likely just a few years left in the workplace. That's good, but that also means, I have just a few years left to make frivolous purchases.

I'd kind of mentally thought the next 2 years would be my time to loosen up these purse strings, not just for frivolous things but to replenish old things and make big necessary purchases. 

So that's kind of the motivation for the trip to Seattle - it feels silly and fun. I've found the sweet spot with workload, money, and time. It just feels like a wasted opportunity not to take full advantage.

That and being quarantined for 2 years and frugal for 4 and alone for 6. I just want to live out loud again.

That's not something I always feel.

But in the end do any of these little decisions even matter. Does it matter that I took those international trips 3 year ago? Maybe then, but not now. 

I got a notification that they're charging my card for the rest of my Boone trip on Friday. Not sure how I feel about it. I have to make up my mind soon though.

Oh, You Know Me So Well!

 So I may not have stated that Date 1 of 3 and I had exchanged email addresses and as of yesterday had exchanged a few emails. He didn't email me yesterday.

Had this been a text, I'd been so butt hurt. But with email I can soothe myself with a myriad of lies! I'm so glad I didn't give in with the Date I Kissed.

Winner, winner, chicken dinner!

And here I was about to drop $6k chasing a dream, a fantasy, a delusion.

Maybe I am growing after all.

Affirmed - alone forever, no fantasy romance, death house for life, no more dating app and its accompanying delusions!

In other news, finally transferred money over from my tax refund. I sent $1500 to family, and used the other to pay down balances from my trip and the washer, dryer finally.

So my credit card woes are over. The only thing left on the card is the charge for the shoes I plan to resell. My plan is to make the minimum payment (since I have 0% interest) until the shoes go up for sale. The balance doesn't cause much anxiety because it's more of an experiment than anything. It's not a true line item in my budget. So it exists in its own space.

The only other thing lingering is the Boone trip. I'm not feeling particularly desiring of another trip right now. 

And I don't have any strong desire to visit Boone.

I have unclear feelings of what role travel plays in my life today and in the future. Luckily, I still have time to cancel with a full refund.

Also, I'm glad I didn't charge that to my credit card.

I'm also glad the bulk of my Seattle trip was charged to my debit card.

All the recent expenses are accounted for in my budget app, so that feels good.

To keep my mind occupied, I also started tracking some index funds I want to exchange.

Oh, fun news. I decided to get a little fancy with my investing.

I had started buying the Fidelity Zero Index but my cost basis was pretty high, so I exchanged it for another mutual fund I have and want to try to see if I can't get it for lower. It's a little risky, but it's more fun than any huge gain or loss. 

I want to play in the market while I still can. 

I haven't yet changed my 401k contributions to allow more money to be available to send to family. 

Feeling Fine

 I made a decision and I feel fine about it. Hmmm, imagine that. 

Usually I make a decision and my Feelings or Mean Brain immediately revolt.

Wow is this what it feels like to be normal!

I think this dating thing is coming to an end! Sweet mango!

I have just been gently reminding myself that this was supposed to be a fun foray last fall. And that this was a natural stopping point.

That's all I came on here to say.

I kept waiting for a frantic Expedia search or some inner turmoil. And nada!

Even as the a/c clicks on and off reminding me of even hotter days to come.

Oh did I mention upon my return, the two empty fields that had been staked a few weeks ago, now have been dug up. Yikes, construction is coming!

But it's okay. 

Oh a committee member (what I decided to call people in my life) shared that she pays $1600/mon for rent in Houston for a 1bd. That made me feel a little gleeful about my shabby rent.

Yay!

I'm still always background-scoping more affordable places to live that might be desirable.

Well, again I'm back to reality. 

Can't wait to see what tricks the Devil has for me next.

Yep, all good things come from God and all bad things come from the  Devil, the maker of evil.

Pastor Rick's daily hope series is talking about big dreams. I almost fell for it too. I tried to journal about it, but I really came up empty other than finding that big love.

Yeah that promise of more and prosperity and abundance has just been a trailway of tears, so I'm not falling for that dance anymore.  There's just no data that my idea of abundance and God's idea of abundance are the same thing.

So I maintain survival. 

Haha! Wait as I'm reflecting on my Seattle trip, I'm realizing most of the things I set out to do..mostly came true.

I ate sushi- check!

I ate Thai food - check!

I went on 3 dates - check!

(I kissed a boy! That was a bonus)

I stopped crying - check!!!!

So there's that, but it just felt like it barely happened. I think that's what goals are for me. Just guideposts to help me get unstuck.

I didn't really want to take a tram and walk a mile, but I did because I wanted Thai food! 

I was feeling pretty over it, but I still swiped Friday night because I had this old goal of wanting to go on 3 dates. 

Anyways, I've totally lost my train of thought. I'm just going to go sit in silence now. 

3 Dates, 3 Days, and a 3 Hour Workday

 When I was happier this morning, I realized I might have a lot of the elements of early retirement. The main one was the 3 hour workday. Well maybe people want the 3 hour work-week. Oh well, I try to get any work I have to do done by like 1p. And if I'm focused, I can usually accomplish that.

Some days, I don't even need the whole morning.

I had a weird convo this morning with my new manager. I guess they can't cover my license and CE credits. Oh well, old me would have been fretting over job loss. And while I'm still concerned about "losing a job," it's more of an emotional concern than a monetary concern.

I would feel a lot of negative feelings obviously, but financially I would be okay.

I do want to be more than just okay when I quit my job though. 

But let me not digress. 

I came on here to talk about my musings about returning to Seattle.

Last night I was pretty set on it.

Today in the clear light of day, it seems less like a priority.

I feel okay.

The trip did its job - I stopped crying.

I feel like maybe I should just rest in this peace, however temporary.

Why disturb my emotional peace, it's so rare that I have it.

And we have the data to show that dating has lead to 100% horrible outcomes.

So let's not try to milk this Seattle dream for anything more. I went on 3 dates in 3 days, and I got some kisses in there. It's a tidy story. Don't be greedy and end up in an even worse position.

What are my empirical goals - safety and survival, emotionally and physically.

Yes, I'll be bored being in NC all summer with nothing to do, but if I stay off the apps, I'll just be bored, not trying to end my life.

So stay it is. That was easy!

I think what helped is that the smoocher didn't really contact me. I was starting to rush into a fantasy of a summer romance and fling and all these really great outcomes. You know how I like to let myself down.

If he ends up emailing me (even though he very clearly says he wouldn't), then maybe I'll regret it.

But right now, while the potential for boredom is high (and idle-mindedness is a concern), I'm not in distress or emotional danger. 

Back in NC, but Am I going back to Seattle?

 Hi, friend, just wanted to talk some things through. Since you're my most trusted companion, I figured maybe we can hash it out.

The first half of my trip I wanted to go home. Typical.

Then I went on a date Thursday. It was neutral. Felt arranged marriage-y which I'm down for.

Then by Friday I was a bit teary, but I don't think real tears. I remember just screaming in my heart that I wish I could just have this dreamy romantic weekend with Japple. Yep, you heard it. But I looked under every nook and cranny.

I never told you we had a weird interaction where he finally texted me and asked me to send a copy of my DL. It occurred to me on one of my long solo walks that he might have used that to file a restraining order against me. I sent it, but luckily I taped up most everything. He technically could probably piece things together.

So yes, hard as it was, I resisted the urge to seek him out physically. People are entitled to their privacy and safety. Treat others as you want to be treated. Also, my therapist recommended I relinquish the past. 

The thing I wanted to ask myself, am I trying to make Seattle my boyfriend?

You know how I'm stuck in this boy crazy phase? They show me a little bit of a good time, and I drop everything to be with them. So, Seattle. Well, I spent much of today trying to plot another trip to Seattle for a Hot Girl Summer. 

I had an initial budget of $5k for 4 to 6 or 8 weeks.

After much hemming and hawing and clicking, the best I think I can do is just short of 4 weeks for about $6k. 

Wowzers!

I'd have to reduce my 401k contributions to make that happen. Of course, those credit cards were calling me. But I'd like to at least move the money to a checking account where that card is linked before making a purchase like that. So even if I'm charging it, there's a pot of money to pay off the credit card balance already ready.

Or at least develop a plan to pay it off sooner rather than later!

It was tough defining my objectives. I still don't know. I'm trying not to make it about dating, but that is definitely an under current.

Since I can't find love, I might as well have some fun.

So ideally, I think I'm just going to get away from NC; get out; have some fun; get some respite from the upcoming summer heat (one reason I'd rather visit Seattle sooner rather than later); and yes go on some dates.

After seeing all the beautiful homes (from the outside) and their views, I was kind of dreaming of living in a place like that even momentarily. 

I couldn't make it work on AirBnB because the cancellation policies were non-existent. I didn't feel good about that. 

So my best bet was a hotel stay because you can cancel up until like a few days before the trip. That was what made me feel the most comfortable. You know, Feelings. 

But am I trying to marry Seattle? 

I had a kissy date on Saturday and that made me feel all hot and bothered. He wanted my number because he said he would never email me. Oh well.

I'm glad I didn't give it to him.

I have to remember guys say all kinds of things. I mean by the end of the night, I'd thought of like 8 dates we could go on.

So this is me striking while the iron is hot. I want to talk to my therapist, and ask if she thinks I'm moving too fast.

It's not necessarily that I'm trying to go back just to hook up with this dude but I'm trying to figure out if I would be going back if that wasn't a possibility?

And the answer is, I don't know.

I think since the alternative is always going to be sitting in this house alone with nothing to do, anything else seems like the better option.

There is a part of me that dreams of just making a new life somewhere. 

I think since going to the dark place so recently, I do feel a sense of wanting to at least spend some of this money, and I seem to have found no shortage of ways to do that.

So why not go somewhere a little more exotic than Seattle?

What am I going to be doing in Europe?

Technically, I could go on dates there? That feels a lot more dangerous to me, actually.

I know I don't know anyone in Seattle to look after me, but gosh in a whole foreign country where I don't even know how to ask for help?! That feels scary! 

I'm not that brave. 

Baby steps.

So yes, the dream was for like a month or 2 to just live in a really great house and live like a millionaire hot girl, but even at $5k that was not enough money.

I'm spending like crazy (for a frugalista), but I'm not actually crazy! 

Also, I couldn't really figure out what neighborhood I wanted to be in because near the waterviews, there weren't too many walkable places.

So I prioritized basic needs - food source and outdoor space.

My room last time was kinda dark and tucked away in an alley. 

I wanted a balcony and waterview, and I think what I settled on was a Juliet balcony and hopefully some sort of city view. 

If I went to Bremerton, I could probably get something a bit more tranquil but I don't know if I could really walk anywhere. It did have yummy Thai.

But let's face it, I still want to try to go on like 3 dates a week. And I'd have to take a ferry ride everytime to get back to Seattle.

The only problems I faced with downtown Seattle is that when I looked up things to do on Meetup, nothing was in walking distance. Everything was over some body of water near Broadway or something.

So I don't know what to do about that.

I really don't think AirBnB is going to work out with their inflexible cancellation policies. I don't know if I'm doing it right.

Also, when did flights get so expensive! I used to fly across the country easily for $200. Now when I looked up roundtrip to Seattle, it was easily $800 to $1,000.

I know if I click around too much to find a bargain, I'll end up not going.

No, Brain, this isn't how I plan on traveling in the future. I'm just going with it.

This is not as much of an acute survival trip.

This is more of a dumb girl wasting money.

So back to my original question, if kissing this boy again wasn't on the table, do I still want to go? I guess I don't want to be disappointed if I go there and we don't re-connect.

I feel like I got stuck on this wheel of using the next boy to get over the last one.

I think I'm just concerned with what am I going to do to fill up my time.

I wish there was something I could join locally that at least I could do or look forward to.

Maybe kayaking or hiking trails. But I wish I had a better understanding of how to get to those places from downtown.

I don't know. I'm starting to lose momentum.

I'll have to write more about the last 2 days of my trip.

Basically, I kissed a boy and I liked it! 

Friday in Seattle, 9a EST

 Wow! Can you believe I made it to Friday! 

I thought I'd do laundry today but I feel tired. I also wanted to do a Whole Foods breakfast but I did a lot of walking yesterday.

Oh, yesterday!

I went on an epic date and there was not even any kissing.

I think in life, that's probably my 2nd date...ever!

I've been asked out on 1 date in person in my 20s.

I've been set up on 2 blind dates.

And this is my first in person date from an app.

I think it's weird how we all expect everyone to have loads of experience based on all the rom-coms.

But at 42, this guy has never had a girlfriend either. I think it's more common than we think.

Three guys on the apps who asked me out became flaky or unresponsive. Ha! 

So maybe instead of fretting, I should just say yes to these dates because technically out of 4 asks, only 1 materialized to a real date. 

So guys are dumb, they love to complain and act like they're so macho and alpha but as always, it's all bluster and talk. 

The dumb meeting I had today, as mildly expected was cancelled at the last minute. I can't remember now if I wanted to travel Friday. It would've been Friday night anyway.

American sent me an offer to change flights but they didn't sweeten the pot. I want like a free flight or a hotel stay, something! Nada. 

I would def stay if they offered a hotel and free flight. I have nothing waiting for me at home. 

Today's plan might be resting since tomorrow means hanging in a hotel room for dear life. I made it! I made it to the end of the week, smelly room and all!

I don't even have any words for my date yesterday.

It was costly, but I used a credit card! I can't wait to get home and look at all my expenses for this trip. Luckily, my tax refund came so I can quickly pay off what I charged.

It was someone I'd matched with earlier in the game on Hinge then when I deleted the app we lost contact. We matched again on Bumble because I recognized him.

He was swifter to act and responsive.

Actually he didn't even make it to the spreadsheet because this is actually me trying to really distance myself from dating.

And this time I didn't give in and give my phone number. He didn't ask, but it would've been "easier" to make plans instead of having to use the app. But actually not really. 

I think I'm getting hip to the people who ask for a number right away. Someone that did that actually said he got COVID, so now it actually feels scammy. I mean I guess people get sick.

I didn't really want to be an "experienced" app dater, but 6ish months later, here we are.

I gave him an email that I'd thought about giving to Dapple. 

The date was very neutral.

We spent 8 hours as tourists in Seattle, rain and all.

We walked around Pike Market, did the Big Wheel, did some virtual viewing. We went to the Space Needle. And I finally got sushi!! It was so tasty!

He mostly talked which I'm learning I don't mind that much.

We did go a little deep. I think I like that on dates when you can talk about relationship expectations. 

We did this thing about 5 Best and 5 Worst things. That was cool.

Other than that, he drove me around a little.

I don't know. Overall it was a nice date. Nothing super romantic somehow. I wore sweats just because the weather is so fickle. 

I have a counseling session in 20 minutes. I don't even know the extent of all the things I'm going to say. I don't want to recall all the bad feelings, but it's probably necessary. 

Thursday in Seattle, 12n EST

 Yay! After being awakened at 6a by loud banging city noises, I actually did work. It took me about 3 hours to enter my document into the Review cycle, get the QC forms filled out and check for citations. Things moved a little slower with 1 screen, but I persevered.

Wow, I'm really doing this job.

Look, ma, no hands! Sort of.

When I got to a good place, I reached out to Work Colleague to see if she wanted to have a little work-stduy sesh. She declined.

And I didn't spiral.

Mentally, I ruminated a bit, but then just finished my work.

I think that's where I need to get to - rejection is rejection.

With the guys, I think I have pretty good instincts. And I know to walk away, but it's whatever that happens after the fact that makes me second guess. There's some sort of fear that I'll never have the chance again.

Some fear that oh, you didn't play the game right. I think that's leftover from just society and interviewing. Just knowing that you can't say, I want this job because it pays more money than my last job or I hate my co-workers.

There's some gamification with dating that I don't fully understand or really appreciate. That's where I start to doubt myself > spiral > act crazy > cry > fall into despair.  Like you have to be super bubbly and like what they like; like you have to hide most elements of your crazy; like you can't mention kids and marriage right away even though that's why you're dating. 

I think for me this is just the one space I want to be myself. Even though when guys say creepy things, I'm sure they're just being themselves and it's a turnoff. Somehow I can't see it that way for myself. It's the old conundrum of pedestrian vs driver. When I'm a driver, I hate pedestrians getting in my way. When I'm a pedestrian, I ignore cars and think I have the right of way. 

So like most things in my life, this 1 thing I just want to be easy and fun and light-hearted and it just isn't. But I think I'm just going to stay the course of what I want. If you like me, act like it. Choose me, be my friend, be nice to me. Don't keep me guessing.

I think just relying on the fact the fact that there is no "The One." There are many people in the world I could be happy with. 

I think I've lost sight of what the goal is for marriage or relationships. I think that's why marriage is effectively off the table. I feel like marriage is intended to serve a higher purpose, something heaven bound. Right now, I'm just looking for some emotional support in whatever form that comes in. The caveat I have to give to Reality is that, it might mean just a string of serious relationships as opposed to one Forever one. That's just my reality.

So reflecting on the last 3 guys I cried over. They just didn't like me. Where "the error" is as my therapist would say is that I tried to convince them otherwise. 

That's it.

So the lesson for me is - trust your instincts. You still have the gift of discernment even when it's buried under Feelings. 

Society will tell you otherwise. You don't need to be Googling anything about "how to get him to text you back," or "how to" nothing about dating. 

My purpose is for emotional support and to experience romantic love on earth. That's it. 

God is Love. I think Love that honors God as best as it can and doesn't hurt people is sufficient, it's purposeful and God would want that. I think. Love the Lord your God with all your heart..and your neighbor as yourself. I want to experience what it's like to love someone (romantically) and for that to be returned. 

I was made to be loved. I just hope not just by God. 

I think where we went wrong is this idea of "The One." It's so much pressure. We can have many friends, we can have many kids, we can have many jobs, and passions and interests. But somehow we distorted romantic love into just "One" person. 

I think the rules are just different when you marry outside of the church and don't intend to make a family. 

If you stop loving someone, do you need to make it "work?"

If we allow romantic love to be based on feelings, then we have to allow for these Feelings to change. That is where I lose my mind.

I want to be in it for the long haul, but if I'm chasing romantic love, that's just a hazard I have to contend with. 

I just have to remember it's not my job to convince anyone to love me. I want my love to be as close to Christ's love for us and his people. He chose me and loves me anyway. That's what I want. 

But if God has to contend with people's free will, then who am I to question it. If we can make God weep, then of course man can make me weep.

God puts his love out there, he is always vulnerable. And he is rejected daily. 

I think I just have to continue living my life. 

I don't know what this means for the apps. I still plan on deleting them before I reach home. I just don't know when I'll return.

The catharsis happened. Even if in the next minute I lose my mind.

The lesson is: 

- You have good instincts. Trust them.

- People have free will. They have agency to not love you back. Let them.

- It's not my job to convince anyone to love me. 

My ultimate goal is: Survival.

That's my basic goal.

The way frugality and saving and mindful spending was my FIRE goals and objectives and framework.

In the remainder of my life and whatever I decide to do in my pursuit of love, survival is my goal.

So this may mean more freakouts, but I hope it doesn't.

I'm never going to beat myself up for choosing what I need to do survive in that moment.

MERJ 1.0 will always be the buffer and protector of MERJ 2.0.

So like my 17 year old self who opted out of h.s. dramatic relationships, I still choose and deserve to be earned. I will not be getting my h.s. crush, but he also won't be getting me (and I'm a freaking prize!). I will likely be alone, but it doesn't have to be this death sentence. 

I won't be pining for the same boy for 10 years. I won't be pulling anymore shenanigans and sweating alone behind a computer screen trying to come up with the wittiest of banter only to be ignored. I won't model my fantasies over what it would be like to fit into someone else's world. I won't follow a boy to college. I won't fantasize a life together with a mirage. I won't wait around like a wallflower waiting to be chosen.

You get your chance, if you blow it C'est la vie. It's no one's loss. It just is. I won't think about you, so don't think about me.  You're not secretly waiting for me to turn around, or blow you a kiss, or show up at your doorstep or in your town. 

I won't be second guessing my steps away from you. I won't be second guessing your slights or your lack of attention. I won't wait around for you either. 

Wednesday in Seattle, 7p EST

 I left the house again. I had a 5p Meetup but I think I'm going to forego that.

When I was out all I wanted to do was get home, take a warm shower and eat food. By the time I got home, I wasn't even all that hungry.

I picked up some grab-and-go from the HMart. The salmon was way too salty. I think they put the same sauce they put on the pork, beef, and chicken, except salmon is from the salty ocean so it's already salted!!

Then I overheated the takeout.

The plastic bowl melted.

It's a mess, but I'm surprisingly not having a meltdown. At this point, I'm kind of meh about it all. 

I wanted some soda but I'm so tired of these downtown prices. I couldn't bring myself to pay $3.50. 

It feels like everytime I leave the house, I'm dropping $20. 

I thought I'd come and at least eat yummy sushi. There are a few sushi spots every few blocks but nothing looks too compelling.

With not much else to do after my last meeting, I took an impromptu ferry ride.

I figured it would get me out of the house.

I went to Bainbridge Island but didn't get off the boat because it was sprinkling and I was cold.

I'd already had to wait an hour or two to catch this boat so I'd been out in the cold. I bought some ketchupy Pad Thai noodles during the wait. Meh. 

Tomorrow, the default plan after getting work tasks done is to take the ferry to Bremerton. If I'm not too cold and annoyed, I should get off and just walk around. 

My friend from h.s. hasn't really gotten back to me about the plan for today. I'm already in my PJs so we shall see how this pans out.

Fun news! My tax refund made it to my account. Yay! It's not an account that's included in my budget app so it almost feel like free money because it will go unaccounted for!

So I can confirm it's the not the water at home and it's not the Crest tooth paste I use at home that makes my tongue numb. As I was brushing my teeth today with the Colgate travel toothpaste and the Seattle water, I felt my tongue going numb.

Maybe that's affected my appetite and my tastebuds as well.

Oh well. It's really hard to feel anything anyway. 

Wednesday in Seattle, 10a EST

 It's actually a bit before 10a because I have a 10a mtg to attend.

My tummy still feels weird. I think not everything I ate yesterday was lactose free. Ugh. Might go to the market and get some bananas. 

I don't want to eat my remaining $1.75 mandarin. It tastes weird

After today, only 3 days left then I get to go home. I'm looking forward to eating McDonald's again. If my stomach still feels wonky, I might get a rice dish later and forego sushi.

I've got two preliminary asks for dates, so we shall see. Neither are particularly responsive so the odds are not looking good.

Dapple showed up in my standouts today on Hinge so that means he didn't block me. Yay. I messaged him anyway. I think I've already grieved the rejection. I'm also a little unsure if Hinge is shadowbanning me because my match list is decreasing without me doing anything.

I hope Dapple responds but if he doesn't, I'll be proud of myself for not deleting Hinge. As much as I hate Secret Love, in the end, it really keeps me going. By not deleting my profile, I can hang onto the possibility until the end of my trip- Yay!

Dopey girl!

Honestly, the boys on here are so lazy and doofuses. All the bros like to put they don't want penpals and I think I generalized that to all the boys. The rest of the guys on here are really slow to act. They message lazy texts and I think expect the girl to carry the convo. Not into it.

I feel like I've been doing hard labor on these apps. 

If I ever get back on the apps again, I really have to do it only in tandem with Catfish Katie so I can have a direct comparison. 

My h.s. friend messaged me finally about hanging out tonight. But I hate messaging and the umpteen hours in between contact. What does this actually mean? I mean I'm not fearful of us not hanging out I just don't know how to structure the rest of my day, and by day I mean mood. Do I eat, go out, get dressed, shower? I like to plan out my day (mood) ahead of time. 

Still daydreaming about Japple. How wonderful it would be to spend the weekend in a whirlwind romance! Oh the stuff of fantasies! I think it finally hit me that the Mormon boy just didn't like me. Once that fully sinks in, I can move on. I think it's when I think there's a chance that I try to throw everything at the guy and present my case in many ways. But yeah, he didn't like me. I was a nothing to him. Even if he didn't want to admit it, I think he still secretly wanted a blushing Mormon bride for his secret love fantasy. Unfortunately, I wasn't it.

I'm reminded of the "good Catholic boys" I crushed on in undegrad. It was a person in my friend group that finally pointed out they probably wanted a "good Catholic girl" for their blushing bride (read: Carefree white girl), and I wasn't it.

What I didn't know then was it wasn't my job to change their mind.

Tuesday in Seattle, 6p EST

 My stomach is still weird. I ate too much weird stuff I guess. On the itinerary for today was sushi but by the time I walked down there, the price was doubled what was on the internet. 

I searched twice for Dapple and Japple and I think it's confirmed they blocked me. Ouch! Double ouch! I'm freaking amazing. 

I am so ashamed I feel like I can never utter the word boyfriend or white-husband again. I thought talking about it to other people would make it more fun and take away some of the shame and angst but now those people are just my negative secret keepers.

At Day #2, my desire to engage with any of my current matches has waned considerably.

I want to emotionally eat and get under the covers. 

Oh wait! I can do that!

I couldn't spend $10 to $20 for sushi today but I found myself at Whole Foods and got cookies and a pretzel. I thought I'd get sushi on the way back, but I just couldn't make it happen. 

Maybe tomorrow. Or I thought I'd go out for dinner, but I don't know. I'm about to get in my jammies. 

I almost cried. I probably will when I get in my bed.

It's weird that no one really knows I'm here.

Tomorrow, I finalize my document and put it in review. Yay! 

I'm grateful for my job and money to pay for this stay.

So what happens now. 

I just bide my time until I go home again.

I wish this was the end of secret love but I know I'll just go looking under another corner in another cave. 

I want one of the 3 people I already met and connected with, but they don't want me.

I wish I had brought my oatmeal.

It was kind of cool to walk the 0.5 mile to the restaurant and grocery. It didn't even seem that far because the streets count up and down. 

So I guess the next 4 days will just be munching, sleeping, and work tasks.

That's okay.

So city living isn't likely to take up a huge part of my post-FIRE schedule.

Oh! The other thing I haven't said is.. I forgot what it was like to feel unseen and overly visible at the same time. There is a performative part of being a minority that I haven't had to experience much since moving to Death House. It's present here because everyone I've seen is White or Asian. I forgot America was like this.

Tuesday in Seattle, 10a EST

 So it's Tuesday in Seattle. I'm not going to lie, yesterday I looked at going back early. When I was deciding whether or not to even go to the Meetup (let alone which one), I put the address into Uber to see how much it would cost. Ugh, ~$30 each way. That made that decision for me!

Still no viable dates.

It's hard for me to try hard or try to keep the conversation going after I've been CareFree Katie. She gets away with 0-1 question, and then gets asked out. 

I really should try being her with the same guy I'm talking to so I can really compare. Historically, I've only been her after the guy has rejected me. Overall, the trip has been mediocre. The food is mediocre. The accommodation is mediocre. Oh well, my only goal was to get away.

So yesterday, realizing that the dates weren't going to happen and neither were the meetups, I tried to plot out my day. The goal for today is to meet with my mentor; work on my document; send a few emails; and get Thai or sushi.

My flight Saturday doesn't leave until 10p local time so I spent a bit of time trying to find an all day excursion that would have me back around 6p to no avail. There was 1 but it was all booked for Saturday.

Knowing that there are no dates, I didn't really need to stay until Saturday night. But I went into the trip hopeful. I def would rather be volunteering with NCSO than stuck in a hotel room or airport biding my time. Oh well. 

Not sure what the lesson there is. Ultimately, the more time away the better.

I'll say it, I'm quite disappointed that neither Japple or Dapple wanted to meet. I tried searching for Japple yesterday, and I think he's blocked me. And that made me feel like Dapple wouldn't want to meet me either. And a friend's partner said what we did to Mormon Boy was shameful, so that settles that.

Unsurprisingly, my dating foray of 2021-2022 ends in a damp smelly room. No surprises there.

I'm too afraid to check accounts on this hotel wifi, but I'm sure it's all going down. Oh well. 

Oh I lost my train of thought. What I meant to say about my late Saturday departure is that because I couldn't find an excursion, I booked a hotel day pass from 12n to 7p at a hotel near the airport. It's about $100 so I'll just bunker there for the night. I figure that's the $100 I saved in airport transfer fees.

I'm now glad I didn't charge the bulk of this trip to a credit card because I would not want to be reminded of it later on.

So, let's be honest, I'm still secretly hoping that Japple will change his mind; reach out to me somehow; and we'll spend the weekend together and he'll drive me to the airport on Saturday. Obviously, we'll fall in love and I won't even come back for another week. The dream!

Obviously in the very slim chance that does NOT happen (she guffaws), the plan is to delete the apps at the airport. I can do it in Seattle or at my connecting flight.

As I said, I'm disappointed.

I thought I would be more gung ho to date just anyone, but I couldn't bring myself to respond to the eager beavers. I got my objectives mixed up! Maybe I should accept a date from a "plumber" who likes "thin women." Ugh. Or a guy who goes by Turtle.

What am I trying to do here again?

Monday in Seattle, 5p

 Well it's only like 2 or 3p here. But my computer is still in EST.

I woke up around 5a local time. And did a little bit of work. It's weird being done with work by like 2 or 3p. I'm trying to imagine my life here.

It's not really sticking.

I expected more hustle and bustle.

I'm reminded of the time I visited my pharmacy school. There were no students where I expected to see students. It just seemed like people went to class then went home. Like attending classes was just a checklist item.

So if I was looking for the four year experience I see on TV, I'm glad I didn't go there for undergrad. 

Anyway, so how was my first day in Seattle?

I sort of slept. The bed is a bit squeaky, but it did finally get warm enough. I love how warm I have the house. 

I'm on like 4 apps thinking it'd be easier to get 3 dates in a week. I was getting a lot of matches, but they're all lazy. 

The ONE guy who asked me out right away wants to meet-up...Friday. Lame.

And just like that the fantasy of going on 3 dates is gone.

So now what. 

Well today is Monday, and I got out of the house for at least 3 minutes, so mission accomplished.

I went to Pike Place Market and tried some things. I think I spent about $20 on 2 pork buns and a giant cookie. All pretty mediocre.

I went to get sushi but for the $10 they were charging, it didn't look too appetizing.

Well, at least I've had Asian food 2x in 2 days and that's kind of a background goal. I expected it to be better though.

It's been 8 hours and I haven't cried, so that's a win.

I said I was going to go to Meetup today, but I'm kinda not feeling it. 

I did shower today, so that was good.

Might do another one before I go.

I want some hot soup or something really tasty and warm.

The Meetup I chose had better food options but I don't feel like spending any more money on food, so I might go to the one with more boys! Ha!

What am I even doing. I've lost track of what I'm trying to accomplish here! 

I landed in Seattle

 I landed yesterday evening! 

But ugh... I forgot to practice temperance. I forgot already it was a theme for 2022. Well fail on all accounts. Well except for the 3 months I was led on by Dapple. People really are different. Are we sure the old adage of 'treat people as you want to be treated' still stands.

That's what I do, but it definitely comes off cringe in the dating scene. 

Off topic, where are we.

I'm in Seattle and in case any part of me was wondering if I was cured of my recent freak-out and didn't in fact need to separate myself from that sadness, well I'm here to tell you I had a small crying spell just on Sunday morning before I left.

Here's what happened. Being the jump-the-gun person that I am, I had messaged 3 of my old dudes. Just feeling whimsical on Saturday. Life was going so great, maybe this would work out! I said to myself, be patient and don't check until after you land in Seattle.

Nope, 5a Sunday morning, I woke up and not one of them had responded!

Freakout!!!

I immediately deleted my Hinge profile. And then re-added it.

I just had to get myself out of there. 

Ugh. I half-regretted of course a few hours later.

Then when I was fully awake, the full weight of rejection hit me and the tears came down like a stream. Hot and stinging. 

I knew if I were Catfish Katie, they would've responded in a heartbeat. I know this because it happened. 

But really there's only 2 possible scenarios:

They saw the message and deleted it.

OR

They saw the message and were still thinking about it.

But somehow it made sense to me to delete my profile because it felt like I could reverse time and maybe they saw it and were going to delete it but I wanted to delete myself first. What the actual heck! 

I think just the fact that they didn't respond right away felt like a strong rejection. I don't know why that makes sense, but it does. I just hate that they weren't excited? Even though ...ugh we ended things multiple times.

Dapple has rejected you multiple times. But this 11th hour attempt was what...going to change his mind? I think even though these interactions wound me deeply, I'm aware it's not that serious. So I think I still believe it's all fun and games because I know I'm harmless. I'm a cute girl and I'm fun. What's the worst that can happen if they just meet me? But somehow the wires get crossed when I actually act on this confidence. Weird brain. 

Japple...that was a long shot but I thought I would at least pique his curiosity. I guess not!

And yes, I didn't even wait a full week, I contacted the Mormon as well. Nada.

I don't know why I don't accept people's No. Is this what it's like to be an aggressive man? Sucks to be them. You're just so sure the person should respond positively to you, it's confusing when they don't. So you feel like you just have to present your case a different way. For once in my life, I'm glad I'm not a man. I would probably be labeled a predator. Ha!

And because I'm this way, I'm already plotting my next contact attempt. It just doesn't make sense, I'm all the way in Seattle, I want to meet these dudes. It shouldn't be that hard!

So yes, I did the thing. I got on a plane with no plan and I'm in Seattle.

The Seattle Dating App was such a total bust. Everything you read on the internet is false! The app is weird and not shiny like Hinge. I think so far, Hinge just wins for overall aesthetic appeal. I haven't found Dapple or Japple on any other apps which is a bit strange. I thought most people were on a few apps. 

Hinge was already a long shot because I've been on there so many times and not been in Seattle.

So the trip so far.

I met a woman in the airport who helped me get on the light rail from the airport to my crusty hotel. It was only $3! 

I thought I'd Uber but they were quoting me $50. You crazy!

I don't know if I'll take it back because it'll be dark. I'm willing to pay around $30, but fifty was way too much.  I'm also considering flying standby, but there is something nice about traveling at night because the chance of sleeping is higher.

So it's unlikely this is going to be the secret fairy tale I had in my mind. I think I had unspoken high hopes about meeting both Dapple and Japple. I can't believe they're not even a little bit curious! People really are different! Honestly, I'm always just stuck on the fact that anyone would rather be single than date me! Like, I just don't get it! 

Anyway, so far what have I done.

Oh big ups to having a cell phone. It does make things a little easier when plans change! It adds a little confidence booster.

Ok, so I have one potential drinks date that we're in the process of planning. The rest so far are duds.

Seattle - it seems much smaller when I'm actually on the ground. It hasn't quite captured my heart. I might go to a meetup if the date doesn't pan out tonight.

My "hotel" is more like an upscale hostel. Kinda cruddy with a weird smell. I hate smells. Makes it hard to sleep so I'm holding my breath half the time and that gives me a headache.

Already spent $20 to get a porkchop dish from Hmart, 4 pieces of fruit and some plasticware. Wow! 2 mandarins were $3.49. Totally didn't catch that!

Oh well. It's 9a EST but only 6a PST. So I've been up for about 2 hours. There was some loud shouting. I couldn't tell if it was coming from inside or outside the building. So yes, that's Day 0 or Day 1 in Seattle. 

What am I doing here again? 

A 2 biscuit day

 So of course I woke up happy, like nothing even happened. I had another dream about being held hostage. There were guns but now the memory is fuzzy. I think there was a way to escape but it required jumping out of a high window. 

Somehow I don't think I was alone but I don't know who else could possible have been with me. 

I do kind of remember in the dream realizing it might be a dream and waking up and shaking it off like ugh, another dumb dream. So that's something.

I don't know anything anymore. I used to be so afraid of spilling my guts out on this blog because I so feared being found out but just like secret love, no one is "checking for me," as the young kids say. I could plot a master plan to take over the world and literally no one would care.

There's comfort in that actually. I feel freer to be myself.

Freedom is always a theme. Renewal, another constant theme of mine. Maybe I spend the rest of my life chasing freedom. We'll leave end of life plans for another day. 

Anyway, I woke up happy. Yesterday, even though I'm trying to wait till I land in Seattle, I did check some of the apps. I was actually about to delete OkCupid, but I had 2 messages so I was intrigued. They look dud-adjacent, but the goal is just to go on dates, so I engaged! 

I'm happy because I think the Hinge guys are probably tired of seeing my profile since I used to broadcast that I'm not local. 

I think I'll contact Dapple #whatDoIHaveToLose!

Japple is a maybe... he's a bit of a loose cannon, but it would be fun to Catfish him so I can figure out where he's going to be and find myself there. Too much? Too Lifetime? I mean, desperate times, friends, desperate times!

I'm actually excited to go. I thought I would regret this decision, and I still might - there's always time for bad feelings when you're me. 

But for now, I'm excited. I looked up the airport rules because I realize I feel like a novice traveler again. I downloaded Uber to hitch a ride. 

Because Seattle is cold and rainy, I could barely fit all my clothes into a carry-on because everything is so bulky. I had to trim down from 3 sweatshirts to 2. I just picture mostly rainy, cozy days and not feeling like doing much. So, we shall see. 

Of course, Nesting Brain is like... if I like this, is this something I could incorporate into my life post-FIRE. Since slow travel is all the rage, maybe my version could just be 1week- 3month stays to cool cities and I can get snippets of my Hot Girl City Life while returning to my humble abode when it's over. 

Oh well, the plot to take over the world is left for another day.

I think I just am happy that I don't have to sweat the day away working on my project! Putting in those extra hours last night really made today better! I don't have to stress that I might not finish.

The walk today was cancelled but it didn't even rain. It's a bit overcast and cool. Perfect walking day if you ask me, but I couldn't bring myself to go on the walk alone. I'm just not that motivated.

The place I'm staying in Seattle posted a local guide and so now I know the addresses to a few places and how far it is to walk. That got me strangely excited to be a Single Girl in the City. I watch too much TV!

Anyway, maybe I'll get to be different versions of myself this week. Or maybe I won't. No pressure!

And yes, as predicted, Mean Brain this morning crafted a whole romantic scenario whereby I send Mormon boy the following message:

It hurts me to know I may have hurt your feelings. I genuinely thought you weren't interested in me so wanted to cut my losses. 

(this would be sent with the aim to spark interest, and him ultimately confessing his undying love for me and we would live happily ever after!)

Laughable! Wake-up, Mean Brain, we do not live in a rom-com or a Hallmark movie! If anything, you live in a modern Lifetime movie where someone has to die! I live in a thriller where my captor is my brain. So silly. 

Next up: A love story vignette whereby he is now the Biggest Love of my Life. He's my everything, my last chance at happiness... you know the lies. I can't stop them, but I can surely name them. Next she will try telling me God wants me to do this. It's my last chance. This could be THE ONE! This is a Godsend especially since he's Mormon and all! Ha! Like God sends me things without an overwhelming dose of heartache and poison. 

I can't quiet Mean Brain, so maybe I'll talk back while I can but we know she's more powerful than me and will soon smack me back into submission. So I will taste this little bit of freedom while I can! 

It started with 2 biscuits at McDs. :)

My life is worth more than that

 It's Friday 8p and I'm alive.

So many headings floated through my mind until I opened the window to write, oh well.

Some included:

A $1500 mistake or a cheap price to pay for my life!

I walked today!

I lived to tell about it!

I saw a frog!

I'm going to Seattle! 

All those things are true.

It's Easter weekend, apparently. I would know if I went to church.

Oh here's another one that popped into my head: I don't trust God's timing! 

It's not that I don't want to, but it just hasn't really worked out for me. And it makes me anxious. So suffice to say my faith just isn't strong enough.

I think that's what I liked most about Mormon boy. He was a believer true and true. And strangely Love didn't work out for him either. What hope do I have!

Mean Brain has been off and on trying to convince me to contact him (mind you I already did through a colleague and he noped out!). But that's old MERJ and new MERJ doesn't date. Dating threatens her emotional and physical safety.

But there's the $1500 spontaneous trip to Seattle I bought this morning calling me a liar. So here we are.

Was I triggered? Probably, but I waited a whole day to do it. And I woke up at some witching hour last night and almost pulled the trigger (the submit button not the other one) and decided to be better and wait till at least sunup. 

So I bought it before 9a this morning. 

Yep, I'm going to Seattle on Sunday. I'd tried to go Saturday but waited too long and the tickets went back up. That actually did work out for the best because I would've been stressed trying to finish Draft 2 of my deliverable before I left. I just finished the 1st revision a few minutes ago. Phew! 

I'm so glad I did and didn't wait for tomorrow. Reminds me of my school days when you'd want to push off a project for the next day, then when you got it done the same day, it felt amazing. It's like you just bought a day of your life back! (Like I need extra life days, ha!)

Anyway. 

Yep, I bought a trip to Seattle. Secret Love just won't die. Ever since I joined Hinge, I'd been wanting to go on some dates in Seattle but could never make it make sense and also... pandemic.

I didn't even know before booking that we don't have to show any COVID proof anymore. I figured I'd just figure it out.

What prompted this?

Oh the last 5 or 6 days of crying- where my world felt like it was crashing in on me and I wanted to end it all. So I needed to put physical distance between me and whatever just happened.

I also know that this weekend was the weekend I would have been going up to meet Mormon boy and the thought of just sitting in this Death House alone thinking about 'what if' just might actually do me in. Did I need to spend $1500 or go to Seattle? No, but I did. 

Secret Love wanted me to make a fool out of myself in a myriad of ways, this one was the most costly monetarily but the other ones could have had grave consequences. So I chose to throw money at the problem! Thanks, FIRE! 

My life is worth more than $1500.

While Secret Love and Mean Brain will likely have other plans for me, my sole objective was: get out of NC, get out of this house.

The trip hopefully does just that. 

I'll miss volunteering next Saturday, but oh well. My life was worth more than that. 

So yeah, the only goal was to put physical distance between me and this emotional pain of the last week.

I almost didn't cry today but a few tears slipped out not too long ago.

See this is why I just let Mean Brain get me into things. All it wants to do right now is reach out to this Boy and won't let me think about doing anything else until I do. How nuts is that! 

I felt so much pain after I went no-contact and when I finally stop crying after a week, my Brain keeps trying to trick me! The struggle is real, folks.

I think in the end, the shame and remorse is the price I have to pay just to be able to live and quiet Mean Brain. It's a formidable foe.

It always wins.

So yes, I bought a trip to Seattle with my hard earned cash. Suffice to say, I'm having no trouble spending. I almost charged it to a credit card but I haven't lost all my marbles just yet! 

Well I actually was going to because one card in quite timely fashion sent me a promotional email that I could get 5% cashback on travel expenses. But the credit limit was smaller than my expenses so I had to abandon that idea.

Oh well, again, my life is worth more than $1500.

Mean Brain, stop! In 3 months, you'll be convincing me that this man was the love of my life and I will never be happy or live or breathe without him. And we both know that's not true! Please, leave me alone!

Other things I hope to explore in a very low-pressure sich: (again, just leaving the house = mission accomplished)

- Go on those "dream" dates I romanticized in my mind (yep, back on like 3 or 4 apps after ceremoniously deleting them not even 3 days ago!)

- Just get out of the hotel room 3 times - even if it's just to get takeout

- Eat Asian food! I miss sushi

The weather in Seattle is rain all week, but I bought the trip anyway. I can sit in a hotel room, watch TV, and eat sushi.

It's going to be a spendy week, but my life is worth more than that.

I've been toying with the idea of taking off somewhere in the US for 2 years and live that hot girl-condo life. So this is just a taste. Maybe it'll take the edge off. 

I mean what do I do after FIRE if not live out some fantasies?

So yeah, not looking for love in Seattle - just some hopefully fun dates. Or just dates, full stop. 

I decided for the most part to be myself on the new apps, so we shall see. But there is a definite quit date of before I land back in NC.

I hope to eat delicious food.

And now that my document is in working order, I can even get excited.

Oh yea, and I went on a walk today. There was a woman there that sounded just like me - full despair. I hear you, my human, I hear you. 

So yeah, I'm going to Seattle because the thought of spending just one more minute alone with a full arsenal of Mean Brain ruminations just seemed like the least of all the things I wanted to do. This spontaneous spendy trip brought to you by FIRE!

4/14/22 - So What Happens Now?

 So what happens now. I did it, I told my old college roommate via email that I reached FIRE. It passed the old if I die tomorrow.

If I died today, yes, I want someone in the world to know I reached FIRE.

I even sent an email on a Wed (not my preferred day of Tuesday). She responded this morning so that felt amazing!

She asked, what do you do now?

I don't know.

I wish I did.

So what does happen now?

In dream world, maybe I get to live the life I've always dreamed of. Maybe I get to be a single hot girl in a city somewhere. 

I don't have to save any more money. 

So If I can spend everything I make from now on, what does my life look like?

Maybe I want to live for 2 years in a city apartment.

Hair done, nails did.

Go out, be social.

Date again?!

I have a new name, I want a new life.

I could repurpose this pain and start new somewhere else. I don't have to be broken MERJ anymore.

I can be cool and hip. But what will my purpose be?

I'd have to rent this place for 2 years because it is ultimately my retirement home. FIRE won't work anywhere else. 

Is it Seattle that beckons me?

Do I now spend $2500/mon on rent to live out a fantasy?

Do I go to Austin?

Do I settle back into despair if I don't find love?

Is love my only objective?

And if I don't find it. Do I kill myself? Do I self-combust? Do I come back to Death House and live out the next 1- rest of days?

Do I even need to think that far?

Thurs, April 14, 8a

 Yesterday was rough. How can your own body and brain just betray you like that. I can never go back there. I can never re-challenge myself with dating or dating apps. The risk is too grave.

It feels like interviewing.

So add it to the list of things that hurt me and I have nothing left. Nothing worth living for.

And the cycle continues.

So what do I do now? What do I live for? Why am I still enduring? Do I still need to?

Why would I choose to sit with this pain - forever?

Does that make sense?

And here come the tears. 

I have fought the fight but it was not a good fight. The world, my reality, and my brain play dirty. 

But I finished the race. Reaching FIRE was my last event.

I did not keep the faith. It was there at best, but it did not keep me going. Sometimes I did what I did in spite of the faith. 

So do I spend my money before I go? Do I gift it to feed the homeless cats? Do I just disappear into the ether?

How exactly do I go?

April 13, Wed, 7p - When the thought of waking up tomorrow makes you sick to your stomach

 I don't know how I ended up here but I feel physically ill. I've been crying pretty much all day. I'll feel silly for crying for nothing and stop and sober up and then before I know it, I've been crying for an hour.

The thought of waking up tomorrow to this pain is filling me with nausea and dread. I feel like I'm being walked to my death.

There's a phenomenon in chemo therapy of patients getting sick just thinking about how sick they're going to get after chemo.

That's how I feel - like I have a big speech tomorrow and I'm going to arrive in my bloody underwear. I used to dread Fridays because I would be alone for 2 days. Now I dread the end of the workday because it's another 7 hours before I can sleep and have to wake up and do it all again.

Now I'm just dreading waking up tomorrow.

I can't imagine feeling this for even one more second. I've been lying in front of the open window for the last 6 or 7 hours to feel the sun and the breeze and nothing is helping. 

Was reaching FIRE early actually sent by the Devil because he knew it would break me. 

It was my last wait and see.

Every time I've gotten this low, there's always been something I can say, just wait and see if you still want to be gone once you reach X.

It was graduating high school, then college, then college again, then moving, then working, then making money, then making 6 figs, and lastly reaching FIRE.

There's nothing else to wait and see.

It NEVER got better. It's been 20 years of data. 

It never got better.

It's been 30 years of living the dream in the US. It never got better. 

I've waited and I've seen. I can't even see myself waking up tomorrow to have to face another day, can you imaging having to stick around for 30 more years. I gave myself a goal of just making it to 60. 

Will I even make it 6 more minutes.

This is what it feels like to be me. 

No one would know to look at me. My bruises are covered. They're on my brain. They're in my heart and have imprisoned my soul. I feel like I'm living with a controlling abuser who has isolated me from my family and friends and tells me I'm worthless except it's no big, bad man, it's my Mean Brain.

Is this how I die?

I can't even catch my breath.

I did all this living to die like this?

This doesn't seem fair. 

Wed, April 13, 4p

 I'm trying very hard to happy. I'm counting all my blessings. I'm never not grateful, I've just always wanted more out of life.

I feel like the couple who wasn't sure they wanted kids but as soon as they realized they couldn't have it, it's all they wanted. 

I'm looking forward to getting off these apps and never mentioning the word husband again. EVER.

In other news, after seeing my Spectrum internet bill had jumped up $20 instead of the $10, I freaked out and called them for the 2nd time to try to get a better rate.

After 20 minutes, I was able to get a $15 discount. Sweet!

Small wins.

I saw some cute dresses at Walmart. I could easily buy 5 if I were going on a week or weekend getaway with a long lost love. I think in my romantic fantasies of online dating I chose an out of state region because I liked the idea of having these concentrated moments of time together to really build a connection rather than this slow burn.

I'm just not a slow burn kind of girl.

I hate wanting more because if I were a girl that accepted just a little bit less, I would have had 3 relationships by now since being on the apps. I'd still be alone but at least there would've been some substance to the heartache. If I hadn't freaked out and had instead let myself be an option, I would be planning a weekend booty-call right now. It's sure better than crying for the last 5 days. 

Leaky Eyes and Leaky Spending

 I thought I was doing well, but the tears are back.

I don't think I can go to church without crying because God didn't keep his promises.

I can't imagine a God made out of love, for love, and creates in love would leave even one of his children so desperate for love. That makes no sense.

What is the lesson here.

Nothing I've ever cried over or worked hard for tastes better or feels better or is more appreciated because I had to do without it. Not one thing.

I'm mourning the loss of a dream. I'm mourning the loss of my last hope of any one piece of the life I dreamed of.

People from the country don't dream, that one documentary said.

I guess some girls don't get to have all their dreams either. They take their slice of bitter pie and pretend to be satisfied. For who will rescue me. Who will say, stop, you've suffered enough. 

So I tried to be productive.

I sewed up a bag I want to use on an upcoming hike to transport water and things. I found a tanktop I want to wear under my jersey since it's too hot to wear a full t-shirt underneath my jersey at games.

I made some returns at Walmart and then decided to go ahead and buy 2 trashcans for the house. So, now I have a trashcan upstairs and second kitchen trashcan. #LifestyleCreep

I'm still trying to figure out what metric I can use to make decisions. Frugality is still a theme but it's kind of in the background. My budget already dictates that so even if I'm spending a little more frivolously, I only have access to a set amount of funds. 

So if it makes me happy isn't really a metric because that's a never ending sinkhole. 

Other ideas:

- Will it help me survive just one more day?

- No trappings of secret love?

- Will it get me out of the house?

- Will it cause me feelings of anxiousness?

Should I let Satan finish the job. What's the fastest way to spend all this money and just be done with it all. Really, what else is there? 

Things never really get better, do they?

 I remember a few years back when more and more teens were coming out of the closet there were a few ads that promised,"it gets better." I remember laughing then as I do now. Stop setting those kids up for disappointment. I've always felt at least in my life, nothing ever actually gets better. You just get callused from the perpetual beat downs that you stop feeling things as deeply. 

Who wants to live a callused life.

So I tried feeling my feelings like the therapists say, and let me tell you it sucks. I'm here for the people who want to bury feelings deep, deep down inside. The ones who never smile. The ones who push everyone away and keep everyone out. They know what's up. 

In the name of secret love, I had a colleague reach out to Mormon boy over LinkedIn because maybe, just maybe there were some feelings there. I got the good ole thanks, but no. Wow. I don't know why it stings. Maybe it completely eliminates Secret Love - my familiar foe. It's just a boy, MERJ, stop acting like it's the end of the world. 

I think I just get confused that I fall for boy words EVERY SINGLE TIME. EVERY TIME. And it's never true. My feelings are rarely what I feel in that instant and never again. If I'm feeling a feeling, I've felt it before and will feel it again. 

So yesterday, I was so sure I'd found my way out of the fog, but today I'm hurdling right back into it. 

Over a boy. Over a boy I only knew for 2 weeks.

I'd love to say this feels different. That we were in love. I saw him as the father of my kids. Well the third one maybe superficially. But these things aren't true. I think I'm just confused that a man would rather be alone than be with me. Like - I know I'm not that bad so it just doesn't make sense. That after being single for 40 years, he still wouldn't choose me. 

It's not quite a failure that I got this wrong, yet again, but more...what is the game we're playing here? 

Of course, I immediately want to cancel my April volunteer event and costly May trip. After all they're just collateral from this dating debacle. I don't want to be reminded of any of this. 

I'm almost tempted to go to Maryland anyway this weekend.

But then I remember I don't really like my family all that much and I don't really like the DC area much either. So yeah, I said it. I don't have any close friends, well any friends at all really. And I don't like my family that much. 

I don't like where I live and I don't like my house or my neighborhood.

But I am more affirmed that I need to cut my losses with dating before I fall so deep in this despair filled hole that I can't find my way back out. 

All I want to do today is get through this meeting and be left alone.

I might go do my returns at Walmart. 

And then life goes on.

In happy news, we got paid today! Or at least I did. Two days early. 

Some Tuesday Evening Thoughts

 It is already a balmy Tuesday evening in early spring. Quite a lot of mental moves today. Right now I feel good. I am leading a meeting tomorrow that was stressing me out and I have a few agenda topics, so that should help. Phew.

I finished with enough time to get a hamburger and fries and a cold drink from McDs but stayed on the phone much too long with a colleague.

That's okay. I think that will be ending soon.

I feel good. Having this task done has released some feel good endorphins. Yay, thanks, God!

I don't think I cried much since 12noon.

I, of course, did write out many plans.

In my plans to escape to a 3 month sabattical for about $3k, I ended up booking an AirBnB for about 5 days in May to a nearby mountain retreat.

It was the easiest to book and I have until the day before to cancel. Perfect!

I wanted to get away and do it fast. I knew the planning and clicking was going to be the death of me, so AirBnB suggested Boone, NC and I went for it. 

I think the trip was around $800 and even better they have a Pay Some Now, Pay Some Later so I didn't have to worry about taking a huge sum out of my checking account. It's almost like paying with a credit card. I should have nearly 2 paychecks by the time the full amount is due. I might even have my tax refund by then! 

So not the most optimized trip, but I was in survival mode...again.

No worries, that's what money is for! Keep me alive - first and foremost!!! 

That helped, just to book it, and pay for it. And I also have escape hatches should I change my mind.

So yes, while not the exotic locale nor the getaway out of this state, it helped my mental state.

Next I decided to go ahead and sign up to volunteer next weekend with the science competition. I think that will count as my April event and the Boone trip will count as my May event. Yay, so my $300 hairstyle won't all be for naught!

For the Volunteer event, my hope is to treat myself to the chinese buffet with crab. I'll be paying full price for dinner and weekend price. Yikes!

And for the May trip, my hope is to go out for lunch or a meal daily, hopefully walking and also take an afternoon stroll daily. I think I might use 1 PTO day for the drive back since it's a weekday. 

I like this because it's a little taste of pre-retirement.

So yes, I think I'm just trying to recalibrate and really enjoy this pre-retirement stage. I'm grateful. 

I decided to let Easter be a renewal of spirit for me as well. Cut my lossess and save my life. I want to restore my soul. So I'm hanging up my love-card. The pure, perfect love my soul yearns for is probably not biblical anyway. I'll await it in heaven. Where everything is pure and perfect.

That's all I'll say for now. I'm giving myself from now to after my May trip to washout of that loss mindset. I want to get back to my solo life. 

Even these day long chats with my colleague will need to taper off. I need to work on my emotional resilience. Her life is getting bigger and I don't need to be burdening anyone with my trifles. God was always supposed to be enough but my aunt's death just seemed so unbearable that I couldn't hold myself up anymore. So I ended up with people in my life that are tricky to keep at best. 

I'm still holey (as in filled with holes), but that's just who I am now. 

Some other money stuff

- Although tempted to keep the new pairs of tennis shoes I bought, I'm returning the one that doesn't fit as well with socks because let's be honest although I tried to jump start my social life, that wasn't actually the reality. So one will be returned.

- On the advice of the internet, I tried to get a quote from Thumbtack and Taskrabbit to install my ceiling fan. One guy quoted me $400 and I never got a response from anyone else. I was thinking this was like a $50 job. Lowe's is charging about $150, but I'm hoping I can get them to do 2 fans for that price. So that's on my agenda.

- I'm half thinking of getting a housecleaner, but that's TBD.

- And I want to get a second trash can for the kitchen. Big money! 

Other than that, I think I'm going to pause my dating profile this weekend sometime and then fully delete it before or after my May trip. The shop is closed! 

There is still a part of me that wants to move and start again, just not sure where. 

I don't think chasing happiness can be the goal. Since survival is my objective, then maybe physical and emotional safety have to be at the top of my priority list. What does that look like? 

I can't let this take me out (and some money stuff)

 I don't know if the this is 'dating' or any particular boy, but I can't let it take me out. I can't go out like this. 

If it's going to cause me this much distress, it's not worth it. Especially distress without much of the good stuff. I was even crying in my sleep. Just writing the word 'crying' is bringing on the waterworks.

I think it's less so about any 1 boy but by closing my heart to this means I will have lived a life without love. And that sucks.

In the last hour though, I was able to check our upcoming paystub and it looks like I'll be getting about $2100/pp net pay with my new 401k contributions (about 30% between pre-tax and after-tax).

That's enough to fund a $30k/yr spend (or $2500/mon spend) which is good. That was the first thing I wanted to make sure of after the change. (Side note, I'll be done maxing out pre-tax 401k in about 3 months, but most of the money is there only got about $2k to go!)

But if I'm mentally teetering on the edge like this, I at least want to help out my family overseas. So I'm unofficially adding $6k/yr (or $500/mon) to this year's budget. The plan is to send the amount quarterly. 

I finally submitted my taxes and am due back about $3k, so I can send the first quarter's installment ($1,500) once I get that back. 

But based on this unofficial line item, I think I may need to reduce my aftertax contribution from 24% to 20% to try to recoup some of that.

I technically could make it work with my current net pay but it would be just barely. And this year, I'm trying to not be living on an anemic budget.

CC Bill

So my CC bill is still hovering around $1500. I made the $25 minimum payment that was due earlier this week as I decide what I want to do. I have about $200 in cashback I can use towards the balance, so that's good. But I think what I decided this morning is to work toward paying off the washer/dryer portion and then keep making minimum payments until the sneakers start selling so that money has a purpose. If you recall about $800 of the bill is from the washer/dryer. And $700 is from my brief foray into reselling sneakers. The card has 0% intro rate for the rest of the year so I have time to pay it off. 

I think I'd rather build a little more cushion in my Hub account before paying off a big bill. And with talk of taking a modified sabbatical I want to have more cash on hand. 

More sabbatical talk

So since yesterday this sabbatical has taken on many forms. I was going to use that $3k tax refund as a budget guide but it ultimately wouldn't get me far. Since this is more of a panic-sabbatical getting the best deal is unlikely. I mostly want to get out of this crying house tomorrow.

I think right now I just need a physical act to distance myself from the recent pain.

In other news I'm like 50% decided I'm going to drive the 1.5 -2 hours to volunteer next weekend. And treat myself to crab buffet afterward. I really hope they're still open and still have crabs! I think the metric I used was: I like doing it, it'll get me out of the house, and what else do I have going on! Part of me is still thinking of starting a team at the nearby elementary school, but we shall see. 

I digress.

Back to sabbatical. I did some cursory searches and Google had given me a top 5 list of

- Cape Breton Island, Nova Scotia Canada (1500 mile drive/ 24hr drive)

- San Diego (2500 miles/ 37hr drive)

- Oslo, Norway

- Iceland

- Porto, Portugal

I searched Canada. It's not the first time a Google search has landed me in Canada as a possible destination spot. But the prices there were around the $$2k/mon mark. Similarly in San Diego and even in Norway. Portugal was closer to the $1k to 1.5k. But oh, yeah plane tickets.

So this imaginary sabbatical of 3 months got distilled down to maybe 1 month now and 1 or 2 months later.

Going somewhere in the summer lacks a certain appeal but I'm back in survival mode - a place I know best. 

Now I'm thinking somewhere drivable so I can escape my escape if I need to. 

Who knows maybe this all just me avoiding doing the work that's due tomorrow.  Meh. 

How many times can I grieve the loss of this dream. It's getting a little ridiculous. 

I think I even checked Catskills NY since A Purple Life had such rave reviews about it. 

I'll probably putz around with it for a few more hours before doing some actual work. 

I feel like I'm going through some sort of mourning

 I feel like I'm going through some sort of mourning process. This can't all be about a boy I only knew for 2 weeks. I hadn't even really pictured our life together. 

I think it's just what it all means. I know the only way I currently know how to recover from the sadness is to pretend like it never happened. To swear to never date again. To close my heart to love - the thing I want most.

I want someone all to myself. Someone I don't have to share with the world. I want something pure and perfect and lovely. Something untarnished by the world. 

30 minutes of crying later...

Maybe it's time I take that modified sabattical. Theoretically, when my submission is submitted I should have a bit of  a break until the fall. Can I make a run for it?

Is there anywhere that makes sense to go to for 3 months that won't be oppressively hot?

Do I move out of Death House? There are too many tears here. Do I just keep restarting my life until I find one I like?

I don't want to live alone anymore.

I don't like living here. Am I too old to be this unhappy?...all the time?

I mean I have the money now, can I at least try to temporarily buy my happiness?

Am I just in distress and looking for temporary solutions.

Leaving the house for 3 months is kind of frightening of what I mind find when I get back. 

I don't want to feel this

 Dear  Self,

Today you feel terrible. Like you will be alone forever. Every so often you get this way. You cry and nothing helps. You pray and nothing helps. This time you tried dating and it was just enough to leave you with dashed hopes. It was better than not trying at all.

You spent so much on this hair that you don't know whether to try to fit in a few more dates or cut your losses before sinking deeper in despair.

When does the struggle stop? When do I get to be happy?

I just find it hard to believe that other people get to be loved and you don't. I'd love to tell you that your time will come, but more than likely it won't.

There's no way anyone's dream takes this long and they're still happy when they receive it. When do I get to be someone's one and only, someone's first choice. When do I get to know what it feels like to have that first look, first hug, first kiss with someone who truly loves you and wants to make you happy.

But maybe this is just a big lie that is circulating like working until you're 65 and then retiring and then dying at 80ish. 

Actually, that's only a 15 year retirement or for those lucky enough to do it at 62 or 60, I guess that's still a 20 year retirement. So maybe I shoot for 15 years. My aunt only got 8, so maybe I only need to do 9 to do a little better than her.

My aunt who gave everything to help so many people died alone. She was married a few times but obviously none of those were heart-stopping, life-affirming love. 

How does a girl get such grand dreams. How does a lowly immigrant girl dare to dream so big. My life is not a fairy tale. I just thought once I got out of the survival stage, there would be some joy. 

If someone offered me the blue pill out of this life, I'm not sure I wouldn't take it. What else is there to live for? Why can't I be like everyone else? 

I wish I loved to travel. Maybe I should get a kid? What am I supposed to do now? Well, now that my license is updated, I actually can apply for a carry permit.

Is this really how it ends for me.

Small town girl makes big. Dies.

Imagining my Life Solo

 The plan was always to do it solo, then my aunt died expectedly and I reached FIRE early, unexpectedly.

Both of those things have impacted my wanting to do any other part of my life solo. Or maybe I'm just trying to glom on to the next goal. 

I don't know what it is but I can't seem to reset back to my melancholy self. Maybe because this time I might just end things.

Dating definitely doesn't make me happy, but I don't like the option of not having anyone. Every time I switch my location back to my actual area on Hinge, my face wrinkles up in disgust. What is the message here? I think I am still looking for someone to rescue me.

Without fail, after removing the 2 most recent cancer-dates from my line of sight, it's all I thought about all weekend. I almost immediately wanted to find a way to contact both of them. But I've always been right about these things. And even if I haven't been, I have to believe I have. Nearing 40, it's hard to fall for my own tricks. 

But this was always going to be my life. As much as I'm trying to relate dating to pursuing FIRE, it's just not the same for me. I think dating for me would be like pursuing Fat FIRE. I don't live a FAT life to begin with so trying to get an even higher paying job to cash flow a higher cost of living is giving me anxiety just thinking about it.

A Lean FIRE life at 20k/year is the best I can do given my personal limitations. And unfortunately a lean social life is the best I can do given my personal limitations. I'd like to make it to 20 years, but I doubt I will.

Going the last 2 days with a ping-free existence was deafening. I felt like the silence was just going to swallow me up. This is really how it ends for me? What was it all for?

Then I remember my Base Model House, my Gold Tooth, my past Shaved Head, My Wombless Body, my Hood Adjacent Neighborhood and I'm not shocked. These are all battle scars of a future that was already known. I deserve to be earned, my thirteen year old self whispered to me. I knew this 20+ years ago, but the price was always too high. 

Please bury me with my money. 

It's a month to the day since I turned 38. I shouldn't even be in this head space. This "lack" has totally clouded reaching this 4 year goal! I freaking reached FIRE, world! And who is there to celebrate me? No one. Does it make the achievement any less special, honestly yeah. People are there to remind you of your beatdowns, but who was there to ring the bell when I crossed that finish line. 

I can't decide if it's worth driving the 90-100 miles to volunteer at the state tournament this year. I have nothing else to do, but what's my metric these days? What bucket does that fall into?