I can't believe i never have to work again...ever

 I just can't believe i never have to work again...ever. 

It's Sunday and my body wants to feel scared and sad about tomorrow - but there's no reason. Nothing is happening tomorrow to feel scared and sad about.

So now it moves down to lower priority things- relationships with other people and vacations. 

Can you relearn how to be happy and just be. 

My body is so conditioned to distress that it's trying to magnify my peace into a problem. This is going to be interesting folks. 

I finally reached total financial freedom and my body is inclined to reject it. 

Where is the bootcamp for this.

How to be alone? How to be happy? How to reclaim solo-living!

I am giving myself all the grace and guardrails and the room to make some fumbles. There are going to be some old habits that just don't make sense.

Right now things that I need to reframe

- vacations - they have typically been used as an escape... get away from work, unplug... but if that's my everyday... does it still make sense? it's gotta add some value... 

- friends - i have more time to think about them now...luckily with my new address and identity.... it's not worth the risk to dig too far into the past... i wonder if the cure for this is to stay busy with other mindless things that aren't work... that might be something i need for the transition...in fact i came online to register for some free cycling classes...; minor things are being ruminated on when i don't want them in my life at all...what do you with people that you don't like 100% of the time..; i think my default is to let them choose how they want to be involved in my life; and i get to accept or reject it; no nagging as the 'getting to i do' book says. it's for romantic relationships...but we can try it out..

in terms of social events... my default is the path of least resistance - free food, structured activities... i tend to not enjoy roaming activities; i like sitting...unless it's a nice day and i just want to be outside...

i'm toying with letting out some frustrations with people in my life...

basically my current friend group has sort of disbanded... and there have been some unkind remarks... 

"you're an adult, you can figure it out"... that's just rude...

some cold greetings.. 

i guess this is just data...

what really changes for me? 

Dec 2...in other news

 In other news outside my weird fever dreams...

I'm anxious about going back to work after my leave. I'm just 'afraid' of having any conversation whatsoever with my boss. I don't want to be asked to do anything. I don't want to be asked about my leave. And I don't want to accidentally reveal that i've checked out.

so i'm nervous every minute they're going to put a meeting on my calendar and i'll have to engage. 

last week was fine because there were no meeting on my calendar. in fact all the meeting that were there were cancelled. so i felt reasonably certain it would be an uneventful week. and it was.

but i'm nervous that my boss hasn't thought to meet with me since i've gotten back.

i wonder if they're plotting against me?

i don't know. 

i wish my FMLA would be approved already. I'm trying not to have anxious thoughts about it until next monday; that will be 5 business days since the last fax. after that, then i'm going to upload the med cert directly on their website. 

there are some money moves i need to make on my money date with myself on dec 15...but part of me just wants to do it now...but i bet it's just me trying to manage anxiety about work stuff.

early retirement has been a bit of a ride...i've been mentally checked out but i think the anxious work residue still hangs around... i don't know what it's going to be like when i'm officially and unofficially out of here..

Lexapro vivid dreams - Dec 2024

 So, friends...last night was all over the place..

i was in my child hood home..and i decided to walk to a family friend's house...i reached an intersection and knew to turn left not right

then suddenly i was on a road i recognized...pass like miles of cornfield...

but somehow it turned out later it was only 3 miles... (un true in reality)

then i recognized some intersection and knew to turn right...

then i saw a house but it wasn't yellow like i thought it was...

then kept walking..

and ran into Gary in the field... he wasn't surprised to see us...

cuz now there were 2 cousins with me...

he kind of went back to doing what he was doing...

then realized we were still standing there..

so he gave us the keys to his house and told us to go ahead and go in

then it was kind of cold...

and then i kept seeing sugar beetles... i don't even know if that's a real bug...

but his tv stand was dusty...and i remember thinking if his wife was alive...there would be no dust..

then suddenly he appeared but i was so fixated on these bugs... i think i sat in one and the gross little legs were stuck to my pants

and there were 2 under the tv stand that no one else seemed to mind

and then someone...i guess his new wife...appeared and kept calling my random 2 cousins...the 2 'dumb ones'

but then one of them was 'pretty now'...she was thin... (I think this had to do with watching kishori from amazin race)...

then i was kind of in real time thinking i need to check if gary died...

then suddenly i dreamed of my old racist friend and thought his dad must be dead and i needed to reach out to him...

and then i started dreaming my old Honda didn't use to brake when i needed it to...i can't remember if that's fact of fiction...

and there you have it. 

i get to be happy!

 i do!

it's like when your therapist says you get to choose... you get to choose how you feel...

i choose to be happy

sometimes, i just can't

but today..i can..

i get to be happy

i was thinking how fearful i was to celebrate these recent BIG WINS! lest something comes and takes them away...and my mind started to recount all the big wins...that did get taken away...and guess what i held my breath for those...and they STILL got taken away...so i choose to be happy..and exhale for goodness sakes!

so yeah being over employed didn't really work out the way i hoped but i'm glad i got to say it out loud and celebrate for the months it did...holding my breath would not have stopped it from happening...that's just silly...i'm in fact not a scorcer though many moons ago i was convinced i was a witch!

so yeah...this week is my last full week of work... and i plan on being happy about it...

there are some angsty things on the back burner..but as my therapist like to remind me...they have no power over me...they can't do anything to hurt me...

i'm OK! dang it!

i'm okay...and i will be for a long time..

so God can laugh at my plan all He wants.

i'm freaking okay.

i'm so tired of anxiety and superstition and fear.

it's the freaking holiday season...let me live!

so as for my plans...

i put in my request for leave and i'm planning on everything going according to plan.

this year's expenses are covered...any other income for this year is going into the pot to cover expenses for next year..

and any income from next year is going into investments...

all my dreams have come true and i plan to enjoy them!

i did do some light google stalking of a family friend someone mentioned...and while i did wistfully wonder if they were blissfully happy... i didn't cry or linger or wish i had their life... i just didn't. 

there wasn't anything else to the thought. 

the biggest thing i'm trying to tackle at the moment is my weight gain... losing weight is something i know i don't want to actively do... i did want to do 2 weeks of intense self care...but losing the 20 pounds is what i would want and starving or depriving myself for 2 weeks for just 5 pounds seems like a waste..

so i stewed on it for awhile to figure out what was achievable and try to make a plan..but i just came up with trying not to overeat and avoid sugar... i think i can do that for 2 weeks... and updated my goals in my daylio app...

my focus right now is just tracking my sleep and coughing symptoms

and then trying to incorporate as many days as possible of not over eating and avoiding sugar/sweets

so i'm planning to do 2 weeks of free spinning...which given the times...is likely just going to be 4 classes for me...

and i was looking at getting a meal kit...there were at least 14 meals i wanted...so that was fun to try to narrow it down to 6

...i'm past the boring middle...i'm now at the near end..and boy sometimes the days are slow...

but again...it's my last full week of work EVER..so i've done it for all these years if you include school...i can do it for 1 more week...

i may have applied too early for my next leave but i'm glad cuz i want all this angst behind me so i can be free on MY LAST DAY OF WORK EVER! ok, i should probably stop saying that because it's not exactly true...but still...whatever..

anyway, i'm happy today. and i wanted the world to know. 

free and angsty

 it's amazing how awesome i feel thinking about how few days i have left as working days and how angsty i felt just thinking about dealing with one of my managers.

the thought occurred to me to take the screen out of one of my windows and accidentally fall out.

weird, right.

i'm trying to hang in there for the LTI and bonus payout next march, but i wonder if the angst is worth it.

it is.

i know it is.

the payout is less by about half since i will be requesting unpaid time off, but for now it still seems worth it. especially if i can keep myself busy

i guess i'm nervous they'll let me go?

but why that bothers me...i'll never know..

i'll take all the drips i can get in my nest egg!

otherwise, ..well it's so funny how decisions seem so hard but afterwards you wonder...what made this hard...

i think i just wanted that round number...

but i'm so OKAY without it....more than okay...i've been dreaming of being able to say i'm retired...

i think letting go of the broom-making job (ie, call center #4)...is going to be so awesome on my last day...can you believe that was ever a struggle to get rid of! wow.

...feeling very...'i can see clearly now the rain is gone...'

let's just say i'm loving life right now...

i made a decision

 things at the call center just have gotten on my nerves

i was trying to tough it out

reach yet another financial milestone

i was questioning the tenets - if i have enough, do i need more; when you win, stop playing

why am i torturing myself 

is this a bad situation or am i handling it badly

the answer to that one was yes

but also it didn't matter

it didn't matter that my co-workers can withstand it

the thing that matters is i can't

i wanted to be mentally tough and not let the villain win...i guess

but i also realized today in therapy that i was treating this as mental health daycare because my other job was making me anxious (i'm on freaking mental health leave and had to up my dose just to get through the day!)

this is about where that started... my therapist asked me that and i couldn't think of it...

but the widget job was a slow burn of aggravation...

while it was helpful to get data on the situation from other team members perspectives...i don't need the aggravation...

this is a terrible day care that needs to be reported...i wouldn't send my kid here...

the thing with insidious things is that it doesn't bum rush you..it seeps in...not all days are bad...

and we're so conditioned to take the good with the bad...

i challenge that... if i don't have to take the good with the bad, in every possible way..i'm not going to!

i've bought my freedom..

i don't believe in signs...but the algorithm has served up 2 bad work situations...

i think i need a break from work..

i'm confident if there's something else that tickles my fancy i will know and act on it...

honestly i was also echoing the fears of others...what WAS i going to do for 4 months if my last day is tomorrow?

but time will tell..

not knowing is not worth the aggravation..

this is a crappy mental health daycare so i'm noping out..

the only thing i think is...

i'm like 85% confident that if i put in my resignation, my dumb boss will exert her dominance and end it early... so am i ready for that limbo?

i was going for dec 26...but i think i'll just go for Dec 4. and be done...

i'm not ready to be wondering which day she's going to use to fire me...

so yeah...

i choose me, i choose my mental health

onwards!

i am not a patient person

 waiting is the worst...sometimes..

i have nothing but good things coming up, yet i can't help but anxiously await them

in this moment all the game play and scheming is taking up more mental space than it seems worth it...

at the call center, i'm holding out for another 10k...which honestly doesn't seem like all that much money... not for 3 months of my life when i could not do it..and be financially okay

but the job is easy and my rational mind like money...

i think there is a part of me that wonders what i would be doing all day...and why aren't i doing it now...but i can't multi-task..

and i am looking forward to the boredom for new ideas to appear...it's a bit of a risk cuz all the bloggers are saying to have your routines established ahead of time.. yeah i just don't think that's going to work for me...

i need to see the blank canvas to be inspired...

but yeah, i've been wholly uninspired to use my downtime...i mostly spend it plotting ways to do less work...

i don't know how people can have affairs or live double lives...

i distinctly enjoy living out loud...

i can't live in secrecy anymore...

so yeah....hanging around...for potentially $50k across both jobs... maybe...

i think there is also a part of me that doesn't want to let go of the bonus gig until i'm completely done with the main gig...

ugh...a reconciliation of feelings...

i literally just want to fast for a week...and then enjoy feasting for the rest of my life...

paid off my car!

 yes, friends....i was feeling frisky

my nest egg reached all time highs...and it was a number i was hoping to see at the end of the year....

and before i got too attached to it...i decided to pay off my car!

it was something i was planning to do by the end of the year, and i was able to save the funds by the end of august...but just put it off...for really no reason in particular...

so when i hit my number

realized some more milestone dates in my FIRE journey...

i decided sooner was better than later...

so it took a few days to sells some investments and move the money around...but friends! i did it.

i just submitted the payment... 

and i'd already scheduled some payments for some credit card activity, but i just want this all resolved sooner rather than later... so i went ahead and updated the payment date to tomorrow.

and then my trip for next year, the check is on the way. I could've done an e-check but decided to just do a paper check because that site didn't seem all that trustworthy....

but part of me is kind of re-thinking that... i'm just loving paying off all my bills

that way any money i receive from nov and dec will be allll mine....none to creditors!

i love a fall morning

 woke up to a chilly morning...luvvv

checked my email...habit

oh no, one of my accounts was overdrawn!

luckily, i figured it was because i forgot a scheduled transfer (that happened a couple days ago) and not a hack

and sure enough...i had pulled money from the wrong account...

absent-minded i tell you

and i'm pretty sure i was careful, so not sure what happened there...maybe i rolled the mouse in all my angst

i'm convinced i'm more absent minded on meds...it works because i also forget about things that make me worried...

also..as much as waiting to pay bills until the last minute can save me on interest for the month...ie, keeping the money in my account for as long as possible...

it also comes with the worry of forgetting to pay the bill...

so yeah, i think i'm just going to pay the bill when it comes so i don't have to worry about it...

i'm looking at you random credit card bills...

doy! this is why i'm a set it and forget it girl...

i'm absent minded...so that limitation may mean not seeing high balances in the future when i'm trying to reach a milestone number...like 95%...

but oh well...

all hail, my sanity!

i tried it...and it made me crazy...

at the very least schedule it in my bill pay account so i don't have to worry about it..but i'm not even doing that!

it's silly too...cuz i'm waiting for future paychecks that i don't even need to pay the bill...

I did it! It's here! It's happening!

 I'm ready, friends. I had picked an arbitrary number to FIRE to after reaching LeanFI a few short years ago. It was round and impressive.

But work-life deteriorated rapidly. And the market shot up! So the 2026 retirement date, I'd set quickly tumbled into view.

I was a little bummed I wouldn't quite reach this loose goal, but mostly because it was being taken out of my hands by a crappy situation at work.

But between now and then, I've come a long way!

I've just about completely let go of the money I won't be getting as income because the market has returned beyond my wildest dreams.

I have a modest (<<I kid) source of secondary income.

And honestly, I could retire now with out it.

So, yeah, kids, you heard it hear first... I didn't have complete control of the date... until I did. I'm done working for money!

I don't need this job and it's bad actors.

I have 2 years of FIRE stash saved up.

And 1 bonus year of fixed expenses saved up...that's why I thought I needed to earn an income for at least 5 more months... because I wanted to have just that 10 months of income for fixed expenses without feeling rushed into FIRE.

I looked at my cash an hour ago and realized, I have it already! 

So yeah, call center 3 can take a flying leap!

it feels awesome (finally). for some reason, even with my cushy FI safety net, and knowing I could leave the job, i still felt attached to it for some reason...

but with some masterful re-framing and market returns and medical leave.. I feel I have regained control of the wheel...

and now if someone jerks it away...i'll be shocked and annoyed...but like they say during a stick-up...it's just a car...don't fight back.. they can have their stupid job!

I'm free.

so for the most part i'm hanging on for kicks and giggles and made no plans for any of the call center 3 money.

i will work on my second income stream for a few more months ...honestly just because i don't quite have anything to do yet...and winter can be quite dull...

so yeah, i'll be free for good in Mar 2025...

in the last 72 hours..i considered an elaborate conversation to ask to be laid off with severance; considered filing for worker's comp and or short term disability for my bum wrist and shoulder...

but those were all tied to magical unpredictable outcomes...

and yeah, no thanks!

i'm hoping with some PT near the end of my career my arm will be mostly usable again and without having huge keyboarding tasks ... i am hopeful it will be fine

whatever comes my way that can be solved financially, i can solve! 

i can't believe i'm finally leaving work....

i'm even considering a withdrawal that will give me anywhere from 26k (super lean) to 60k...(when I'm feeling spendy)... i don't ever want to be stuck in scarcity again

and to be honest, the thought of retiring on 40k...felt very scarce...but just giving myself the flexibility  to spend more if i want... havin the CHOICE has freed me! 

oh the brain is powerful!

so yeah... kids... we're doing this...

Things are getting clearer

 I woke up happy in the midst of what could be serious emotional turmoil.

things that are happening at work are decidely unjust

but fortunately, this isn't the first time

fortunately, i've positioned myself well financially

and emotionally

the 2 places where it hurts the most

the more my numbers go up, the more confident i feel

and i can reframe my call center 3 experience in enough ways financially, where i still come up ahead

i want to fight back; i want to make them pay

but when this happened during pharmacy school my cries went unheard

so i have the data that this not a fight i can win...at least not that way

i can win by keeping myself safe

i can win by pursuing FIRE

i can win by commiserating

i'm so tempted to apply for paid family leave just to get back at them

but i will stick to what i know i can achieve

free paychecks

i'm such a small fish anyway

i'm just too awesome for people not to see my shine

i'm going to be okay friends

i always was...

i will say the mental load weighs me down quite a bit

so that simple things just feel like too much

like i can't switch off...

i'm so glad I found FI

i'm so glad i was able to stick it out and get more money

i wonder what my future life obstacles will be

a monday

 today is a monday where i felt a bit of trepidation checking my widget email. i'm not sure what that's about.

i think the more i vocalize my early retirement date, the more real it feels.

went to my first FI meetup in person

it was cool to talk about FIRE with these people

i will say, i am starting to feel that FU money feeling

it helps when the market goes up

i cycle through quite a range of emotions

there's some feeling of this will be the year the US turns into a communist country and all my accumulated wealth will be for nothing..

my neighbor hasn't been staying over...and i feel remarkably calm about it...i think my mind is pre-occupied with getting through these next 5 months..

just 5 months people...

i was really tied to the payout at j1, but as time goes on...i'm slowly letting it go...

because I can FI with or without it...that's probably a combination of having enough (or being comfortably deciding i have enough) and just market returns...

i totally forgot i was just continuing to see how long i can last

i forgot and got tied to a particular outcome

i bought my freedom a while ago...why was i still suffering?

humans....

i don't even know where my old notes are to myself...but they'd be fun to find...

I feel scared and free at the same time

 I'm moving forward with my plan. And admittedly, I had a bit of nervous stomach this morning. It's weird sticking up for yourself.

Feelings are also weird.

I felt weirdly loyal to a company that I don't think has treated me well. Funny, how quickly I forgot how bad I felt when I was crying and had to up my dose and start taking prozac.

now i'm made to feel like i've left them in a lurch...hmmm that programming runs deep

i do feel like i'm lagging behind on plans and life

like i'm still waiting for something bad to happen

like i'm going to get caught with my hand in the cookie jar

i am just starting to get comfortable with the idea of taking early retirement

not feel undeserving, or rushed, or not ready

then my brother gets sick and looks like he might have stroked out

can't even toilet for himself

what is going on in the world...

how interesting..the two times i try to take off work to take care of myself my family needs me..

is this life?

i feel behind on life and work

and just need some space to gather my thoughts in one place

i feel...

still stuck in survival mode somehow

i literally feel like i have no bandwidth

i know people say that...

but i'm at the point...where i can't form one more though, solve one more problem, or complete one more task

i want to curl up in a ball and wait for it all to be over

I give myself permission to quit and leave money on the table

 I spent so much of my FIRE journey trying to optimize my finances - make more, spend less; invest.

I did it to the best of my ability.

I excitedly made my next 2 year plan knowing how nothing at all happened with my last 1 year plan; but i made it anyway.

it's not working out and it's taking me for a loop

I've been holding out for one more payday, one more bonus day; if i quit now, i leave 50k net on the table. that's a lot of money.

but i know from watching other people's returns (thank you internet strangers); that my money will grow...

so yeah when the widget shop continues to take my joy away...i give myself permission to quit - to leave 50k on the table...

because...

because I've come too far to willingly allow these negative feelings to permeate my life when I can do something about it; to feel stuck; to feel trapped; to feel like i have to lay down and take it...

i mean i will someday....

but i've earned my freedom today, in this instance

i'm free

it's been going on since april; and let's be honest, i could've rage quit any of those instances...it's been confusing; i've cried...for 2 days; i've upped my meds...i'm going to be taking freaking prozac!

my mental health is worth more than 50k...i've done so much work to not be sad and to not want to end my life...

it's not worth it...

why do we negotiate with pain...i don't get it...

is this idea of sucking it up outdated...

i remember how swiftly my one doc said why re-start a drug that you know already causes you pain...i wonder that too doc...

it's cuz it's how we are all raised... sometimes there's a little pain...and we don't have a good guage of when is enough or not needed at all..

i'll get to 1m with or without bonus day 2025.......i am confident i will...

so what next...

i'm still going to try to work the plan unless it causes me too much distress waiting...and wondering...

i want to do nothing else for call center 3

right now i am hoping to stay at call center 4 ...until my trip in march...just for the dust to settle, for the calendar year to end...and to get my bearings once again..

i've just made so many money goals and plans for 2024, i've lost track of what i was trying to achieve...

as long as call center 4 is bearable...i will plan to be gone by february...

i'm just not ready in this moment to completely cut ties with my income stream

i have not even come up with my withdrawal strategy or where all that money is coming from...remember all my numbers including my fire year 1 and 2 cash stash is based on 20k...and i just don't have it in me to save up 80k...sorry i don't....

I'm going to be okay!

 well i have to hand it to my managers for making my exit from the workforce feeling well-deserved. thank you!

some of the negative feelings are starting to subside as i find my way through..

duh...i suffer from mental illness to the tune of expensive therapy and lots of meds...

so i am deciding to move forward with an FMLA request...

thanks to the internet...it seems easy...i won't fully relax until it's approved but here we are...

i did a thing! 

i tried for the desirable achievable outcomes - trying to get a secondment; another job with the company, and i landed here...

and that's okay too

this is the next achievable action item on my list...

i am the CEO of my own enterprise that is my life...

they are leveraging their skills...and I am leveraging mine...

i got stuck very briefly in the comparison game...why are other people so much better than this than i am...then i look at my bank balance...and realize my skillset lies elsewhere...

there are a couple funds, i'm still unsure what to do with but the for the most part...

i'm good...

i reached the 90% mark and I AM BEYOND THRILLED.

A new surge of empowerment has overcome me!

i can quit..i've always been able to...

so i'm just toying around with different quit dates...

it's mildly fun for now...just planning...but i'm hoping not to drive myself too crazy!

90% of goal and what a difference a day makes!

 I did not sleep well last night thinking about meeting with boss. But i had no reason to worry. It was the normal checklist of things. so, phew, this is tolerable. 

TL;DR- I am so incredibly grateful i had the last 4 years to fail upward. how, can this poor, immigrant, person of color manage to slip under the radar. i thought it only happened to entitled rich white boys. 

but no! I actually got lucky!

The last 4 years allowed me to turbo charge my finances in a way i never dared imagine. I really wish my brain would focus on that instead of how unjust i feel right now.

I am lucky!

i can say it when i have these moments of lucidity.

So what happened...in the meeting with my boss i realized i don't actually want to do this work nor am i very good at it. and i just don't want to get that good at it. it's been 3 years and i just never got into it. i just wanted to work remotely and be an AD.

accomplished!

it's affording me such a good life, but the gravy train is over.

i was assigned potentially 3 tasks that have yet to be confirmed.

i realized i really don't know how to the 3rd one and it was painstaking when i shadowed someone else to do it. and i don't want to do it.

this was a decision i made at that time, so i'm glad i had that data objectively. 

the other 2 i can do because the lift is small.

so i found a little bit of joy in realizing...i don't have to. this feels like the power of F/U money. Before, i think the difference was i think the choice was being taken out of my hands.

it DEFINITELY helps that i reached such a significant milestone to put some wind in my sails and some fortification in my conviction.

I WILL reach my financial goal. And mostly just need to stay employed to manage my daily expenses until I do.

strangely, having just bonus nachos feels precarious even with the huge safety net.

feelings are weird.

so yes, friends, the corporate world and I just never meshed.

we tried really hard.

i'm good enough at being a phone agent. and that's pretty much it. 

it's not a referendum on my entire character just a fact that i'm not great at everything.

work has always been a struggle. kind of soul-sucking.

i'm glad i found a way out.

so basically, here's the new update.

if i only have to do an update for task 1 or 2, i don't mind staying longer.

if i have to do a full write of task 3, i will resign.

it's good i already was planning for leaving.

i need to get some electronics.

i am happy that with this new data, i can move forward in a more empowered way.

my journey stops here, but luckily past me was getting us ready for this. 

so i think of all the people that want to be artists and slackers...i get you. you're my people!

i am different and it's okay. 

so yeah.... for 2025, i'm going to work enough to have enough in cash for core expenses and go from there. currently, i anticipate that to be 5 months in 2025.

another unexpected thought... i feel weird only having 1 job...like it doesn't seem worth it? weird right? 

mediation 1

 so i had the meeting for the informal coaching plan

honestly, i don't want to do this job

but i think it's just the injustice of it all

but i should know by now....sometimes that doesn't matter

i think that's the most demoralizing thing

well i have an end date...oct 29...

so to me that's 3 more paychecks

i'm not fighting

but my ultimate goal is to see if i can last until bonus day 2025

that is honestly a stretch

currently, i'm thinking...

finish the 30 business days

request fmla until we are off for the holidays

so i at least get that free time off...

then, figure out how to last 3 more months....

that's the tough one...

there's just too much money on the line to give up just yet

i'm seeing more of my therapist and my prescriber is starting me on prozac...

selling my sanity for drug money...

this is where we are folks...

the thing is ...i don't really see myself doing bonus nachos without the first gig...

pride?

i don't know...if i'm going to quit....i kind of want to quit everything....

i'm okay with leaving

 the more i keep looking for random jobs and trying to find this mystical job that meets all my needs, the more unhinged i feel...

i can gain a sense of calm with picking 1 direction...

applying for a job at my current company is not going well...and that's okay

applying for external jobs historically has not gone well...so that feels to be a losing proposition...

so i think for now, i will carry one with my early FI date of Jun 2025

I can base decisions on that...until i have new data that tells me different.

my current life is already paid for for this year

so for next year, i just continue as is, and save the rest for my FI send off.....wheee!

soothing money anxiety with money goals and wins

 yesterday i was okay, and didn't think about work much

then this morning there was some habitual dread...

i am meeting with my boss and others tomorrow about my informal coaching plan

i know my strategy is just to smile and nod, but it's not making it any more exciting of an event...

oh well...just got to grin and bear it..

but outside of that..as this date i picked out nears....i'm feeling uneasy

my expenses for last year were about 63k including all the current line items in my life...

some like my car loan will be eliminated but the rest are part of my life that i now enjoy...

i won't be able to afford that on the 4% rule...

so i've been putting apps in internally...a little haphazrdly and half-heartedly....because i don't how achievable what i want is...

the biggest shift is i don't necessarily want to quit working as urgently as i did when i started my FI journey...

there's nothing saying i have to quit...

but i also don't love working...

just i think if i already had a job i didn't mind doing....i'd probably keep going...

but actually going through the process of finding one....is where i get a little lost...of like...what exactly am i trying to achieve....

and i really don't know anymore...

what's true..

- i like having an income stream

- i don't necessarily HATE working as much; but i wouldn't mind not doing it for awhile

- i do kind of want a break

- i'm feeling some hesitancy to give up my call center job; my first thought is to try to make it work....i just want some flexibility during the day..... that i'm just not sure how to achieve...

so for call center 4 - i like the salar and LOVE the workload....just wish i could be more mobile and not chained to my desk for 9 hours...

but it did help to list out some of the money goals i wanted to achieve this year

1 pay off my car - we checked that off last month, but still nice to reflec on!!

2 - pay off e. africa trip...have enough money to do that

3- save 5k in case i want to travel or buy anything the remainder of the year

3 - save 5k to put in my FIRunUp fund....i'm still working on the premise that i FIRE in jun 2025; my core expenses dictate i'll need at least 15k for the remainder of 2025; i can save 10k with call center job in 5 months; so will need to save the other 5k this year...and i have the money to do so..yay

so that takes some burden off...

so just left with the task of...what to do in 2025...

when i made my original FI plan.. i said 2026... hmmm maybe it's worth revisiting that....now that i think about it...

working call center will not be awesome...but maybe 2026 will give me the grace period i was looking for...this just popped into my head...so yeah...that'll give me food for thought....

i think i like this plan...

i did feel some instant relief....so there's that....

I don't know what i'm trying to achieve anymore

 Typically, I spend my weekends socializing or finagling my spreadsheets.

My social life is fine. Last week was busy. This week is not. Next week is busy...and so on.

I don't have as much going on through the week because I work more restricted hours. 

Friday, the 13th

 ooooo, scary

got bubble guts trying to negotiate a meeting time with my boss

i've got to remind myself every morning to suck it up

i'm reminded of a blog post i read once where the guy was trying to hang on until his next big payout but his mental health couldn't take it

i wonder if that's me

is it worth it

the thing is...i've lost track of what i'm trying to achieve with both gigs...

it's not wholly monetary because i am mostly waiting on investment returns to take me to my next FI number...

so what am i even doing...

i don't know...

for now...trying to collect this paycheck

..i'm proud of myself for sticking up for myself in the smallest of ways...

...priorities for the win...i have to protect my reliable source of income..

..it occurred to me that the task i was afraid of might be even smaller than anticipated because the project timeline has been pushed to 2025-2026...which means less work for me...

...so if i can just babysit the project until then...i should be golden...slap a smile on my face and keep it moving..up my medication, increase my therapy...take all the vacations...get extra snuggles...

...ideally find an easy job so i can roll off this one...the only thing i can think is...the benefit of staying with j1 is that i can find things internally and it won't be a cold app...cuz the data 'don't lie'...

so there's that...

off to enjoy my very pleasant weekend...besos!

feeling blah...what's the reason

 i don't know why but i've been feeling pretty blah...is it because i'm waiting for things...so loss of control...idk...

- had a meeting with chase to open a business cc for the bonus - unknown outcome

- maybe just pending informal coaching plan with j1 - unknown outcome

- waiting for travel agent to put this trip i want on sale - unknown outcome

and just the day before, i was thinking...what would my life look like if i kept call center 4...it has 2 of the 3 things i'm looking for - a decent salary, very light workload, just not flexible... 

but i did do 2 things i'm proud of...

--well maybe 3...

- i went to the chase appointment eventhough i didn't want to

- re-did a meeting with boss because my priority is on j2 (i feel good about that because it was easy to prioritize the job that is secure)

- and immediately recognized i needed more help... and reached out to prescriber for new meds...(yay, me...i'm trying to live)'

so yeah, right now, i just want to cry and get in bed...

i need a break but i'm not sure from what

i now know it's not just work...cuz work this week has been extremely chill...

i just feel blah...

i think i need to take a cold break from j1... no more applying or looking for desperate ways out... i feel like i'm chasing a boy again...maybe if i try this extreme thing....keep searching...

i just wanted to find a good solution...but i might be reaching my end of finding solutions...just being done with desperation... 

i think because so many of my positives have come out of desperation; does that start now...

how much more can i disconnect from this job

i've lost track of what i'm trying to achieve.... 

the crying is back

 it just feels like i'm so close to get everything i want, it's scary.

i've been tearing up on and off for most of the day, and i'm not quite sure why

i think work

but then thinking about not working is frustrating

my neighbor-friend that i sleep with...is being weird and a bit unpredictable...and he was just such a key part about what made my last year great

but maybe all i get is one good year...

i don't know that i need to stay here without him...so then what..

i just keep moving...

the dark thoughts are coming back...and that makes me sad..

Getting more comfortable with the idea

 when i had all that free time when i first got to fiji, it felt a bit of a taste of what early retirement would be like...and to be honest it was scary...my mind began to wander into the recessess...

- will i be punished if i don't bring over my brother to america? do i have to do something 'good' to ensure my money doesn't get 'taken' from me? there is definitely that christian fear of feeling undeserving...is that religious trauma? but is it based on something? ...so yeah, i immediately felt fearful that if i didn't do enough 'good' something 'bad' would happen to me and since the source of so much of my happiness is financially funded, the bad would be a decline of my assets... i think that is my greatest fear at the moment; so i felt compelled to have some sort of income to stave off the fear...almost like i had to keep earning my financial independence...which sucks... cuz i didn't feel fear... all these fears around scarcity popped up..and yeah, it was scary...

- then i started thinking about my car...more fear.. i want the smaller car...but i fear it being a few years older and used means something bad would happen...but i wanted to take the risk just to GET WHAT I WANT... but then this afternoon i started thinking about next summer and thought of a road trip..and i FELT more comfortable having my new car than a used car that could conk out on me...so i don't know...

i didn't sleep till 4a last night...trying to figure out a plan

honestly all this future planning is exhausting

i see why some people just fly by the seat of their pants

what did help was writing out feelings and doing some interviewing with myself on what i was feeling about my j1...

just overall negative feelings currently but also some gratitude of all the things it did provide me...yay.....so i had to reframe and find ways to redirect my thoughts

which makes me think..this is not an exercise i want to have to keep doing...i've been thinking more about retrying zoloft... i think i have to try just one more...that feeling of wanting to live was too good not to trying again..

but yeah, the biggest revelation of my exercise last night was.... i can withdraw more than 4%..i can do 6%... i can go up to 60k a year. and i will if that's what it takes to feel secure and happy... i didn't work this hard to still FEEL poor

putting it into a FI calc, my successrate was still 70% or greater...which for now is within my comfort level...

so yeah, i'm about 60% to 80% sure i'm quitting/ resiging/ retiring Jun 2, 2025...

i was mostly concerned that it's such a weird time...with nothing big happening... but how about a fun summer!

i had a great summer this summer, and i can do it again... i can swim, go on day trips, do water parks....go to belize in july if i want...

but yeah, i can finish out the fall...and then grind through the spring...

2 months of winter with a day trip every other weekend, then a march trip; then 2 more months...and then i'm done...

the 5 months of work should net me 25k...which is the base amount of money i'll need for the year...

and off we go!

I'm trying not to rage quit my job!

 Yeah, so the Coaching Plan is officially on the calendar. On the one hand, I'm glad I got 4 months of pay out of it. On the other hand, it was quite the blow to the ego. Yikes!

so yeah, i went away for 2 weeks and had heavy work residue.

it did help to look at my balance sheet an know that i'm still on track

i think i'm just at a weird inflection point; it's not self-imposed

i'm realizing i like my life as it is; i'm not sure i'm ready to live on a restricted income

when i first started my FI journey in 2017 I was wildly unhappy and felt there was no point to anything...my biggest sore was work.

so i wanted to eliminate work

but now work has a purpose...those dollars fund my lifestyle

and it happens to be a lifestyle that I am currently enjoying

so i'm not as amped to leave the workforce just yet...

well more like..i'm not as amped to give up a steady income

so i have to to humble myself and take it up the butt from this job.

but honestly would love nothing sweeter than to quit on Wednesday instead of going to the meeting.

but informal coaching plans last at least 30 days i think...so that's 2 more paychecks

so i was thinking, i might quit j2 in may of next year; then over my vacation, I was thinking 1st of march...

and consider these my last 6 months

but the thought of leaving work just doesn't hold the same appeal...

i like the steady paycheck and i just don't want to go back to FEELING poor.

i'm hoping once i get a good idea of what my expenses are this calendar year, i'll feel better about how much i actually need to enjoy and continue the life i have now.

I still love my life. And I loved it even yesterday!

 it's true.

thanks, science.

I got some silly coaching at call center 4 today. i think she was trying to coach me on how to be coached. WTF.

and then one of my cards had a fraudulent charge on it. the nerve!

it's a nice reminder to keep cards on locked/freeze. 

these criminals are relentless. 

i'm still going to live my 'happy life' as my friend calls it. criminals do what they do. and i'll do my best to safeguard and protect myself.

that was a card i was going to take on my trip, so i'm glad i have a couple backups!

will have to practice some extra vigilance when i return.

will prob need to clean up my inbox because the notification came but i was in a spending frenzy so didn't notice it. 

luckily, i only use 1 card actively, so it something i can normally catch. 

chasing points does have a risk. just general exposure to fraud.

i don't like the amex card for that reason.

but someone is letting me use their priority pass so we shall see if i can get lounge access on one of these trips.

looking forward to not-back-to-school time. I love this time of year. It's like all the first 8 months was building up to this wonderful time of fall and happiness.

Really going to try really hard to make Jan and Feb fun. Cuz those months are blah months.

I am hopeful i can relax and disconnect on my trip.

But I know I'll check email out of habit. 

Either way, i won't have to work, and that will be awesome.

Still happy, happy!

 Reframing and letting go of specific outcome is my current coping mechanism. It changes folks! You do what you need to get to the next day, the next hour, the next minute! 

Yesterday I led a meeting at the butt crack of dawn and I wasn't even nervous or complaining! 

I'm evolving but also happy. I get a lot of affection from a friend and attention. My mood/emotions are mostly stabilized by medicine. Life is good. 

And I finally wrote my numbers down. Even without disney job, I can support myself and meet my savings goals.

So I decided this morning to reflect on how far I've come.

I've blown past my projections for this year that I made when I first started on My Early Retirement Journey. I stayed in a job for 3 years that I didn't know how to do and made good money doing it! 

So if it ends, I can be grateful for the financial boost!

And duh, I made it through COVID.

I increased my income, I got to work remotely. I got to leave toxic boyfriend state behind. Yeah, it's been good.

And actually running my numbers...my core expenses are about 26k and on a 60k net salary...I'll be okay. So it's easy to think of the sea witch job as gravy. Well easier now with facts and figures that don't lie.

That helps tremendously!

I've let go of Bonus Day goals. I mean it'd be nice and that's why I don't quit sea witch job but I know I'm okay without it.

For now, I'm still planning to retire in May 2025. I don't want to say it too much lest I get impatient.

But however...what I did learn is that in my current life, a cushy flexible work from home job does have a place. So working at a call center and being tied to my desk...not fun. 

But yeah, after May 2025, I'd be happy to take a much lower level remote FLEXIBLE job. I'm thinking like 75k to100k for 10-20 hours of focused work a week. 

I don't mind having something to do a couple hours a day from but having the flexibility to pursue other interest. I've enjoyed my life tremendously the last year or so, so yeah I don't mind finding a lower responsibility job for less money as long as the hours match. 

I'm still happy!

 Is it the meds or just life circumstance?!

I don't know...maybe a combination of both...

i think the meds help curb some of the rumination

therapy allows me an opportunity to vent and reset (which is needed alot!!); it's like having a personal trainer for your brain...

and then the cool things happening in my life help to fill that space where worry and anxiety used to occupy....

so eventhough what feels unjust is happening at work, being able to say it out loud and recognize it helps...

it doesn't change it

it doesn't make it more fair

i don't even have to action it

but i know the feeling...

so i have to worry about it less...

i know that it's not something that i can magically make turn out differently...which i think is what my brain wants to do...fight it...

flight makes me run away from it...but that just keeps it buried...

so maybe we've evolved from fight or flight...to a neutral space...yet to be named...

what do you do for an armed shooter...

fight, run, or hide.

okay neither or those apply here....

but i'll keep thinking...

just like that, my brain is onto other things...

I already feel better!

 I was quite nervous about a work situation. The meeting has come and gone and nothing has resolved. 

What I do have resolve for is my end of May 2025 retirement date!! I'm claiming it. 

And I don't need bonus job to do it.

I have more than enough to FIRE at 25k/yr.

Which is awesome.

And I was looking for some kind of milestone or even to mark my time in 2025.

I realized I need 25k/ yr for my FIRE Cash. And it'll take me about 5 months at J2 to get that. I net just around 5k/ mon with J2. So That's 5 months.

I won't necessarily have to save 25k as half of the year will be gone but I'll essentially be on track for the rest of the year having just worked 5 months.

And after that, I just have to let the market do its thing. Purple was able to get to almost double her NW in 4 years, so I'm confident I'll be fine. 

Plus I still have Year 1 and 2 Cash stored from 2 years ago anyway. So, yay!

Financially, I am ready for this. 

Emotionally and psychologically, I am still getting there.

I just need to have this financial plan down so I can weather the ridiculous emotional rollercoaster that is my bonus job. 

As my counselor says, I have to redirect my thoughts as many times as it takes to tell myself it'll be okay.

There is a feeling I can't describe that is unsettling. Maybe - unjust? The unfairness of it all. But I can't dwell on that or even let it call on old feelings. Nope, I do not consent to that.

So I'm going to enjoy my life. I like my life now. I love my life now! 

And I want to spend all the minutes enjoying it not trying to make just the unjust.

I can financially weather whatever happens with Bonus Job!

I still like my life

 I was happy just yesterday and when I think about it, I'm still happy today. My boss has decided to move forward with informal coaching plan. 

And it is making me sick to my stomach. 

It has to be an ego thing because I am gainfully employed and getting ready to retire. 

Is it worth waiting around for a bonus I may not even get? Well, yes. Because I'll definitely be awarded my LTI if I stick around until it vests. 

So maybe that's the target I shoot for. 

But after that when the dust settles, then what?

I've been toying around with picking a Quit Date and Jul 15 has stuck around in my head just because it's 1 year from Bonus Nachos, but we shall see. 

For now, we'll move with that date. 

The unknown of it all. But if I take that out of the equation, is it doable?

I need more defined objectives, independent of humans. I also want to feel good about what I'm going to do after to make the quit date stick. 

That being said...i still like my life. 

I don't feel fearless but i still feel happy

 it's been a stressful couple of weeks. and then family was in town. didn't really enjoy that. but i'm happy to say i survived it.

there were small spikes in anxiety and general lack of enjoyment, but there was no surprise.

i am not sold on the family time part of life...and guess what...that's okay.

i don't need to be.

i can stay in my life the way i want to live it even if no one else agrees or understands.

that my friends is what it's taking me 40 years to learn.

i also realized i don't enjoy waking up for work.

i just don't.

i'm 86% confident i will retire and not miss it.

i'm 86% confident i'm going to leave work in a year.

when i try to care about work, i find i just don't.

i'm only hanging on for a couple fat payouts early next year. 

Unbelievable feelings of glee!

 Things are really going my way right now, and I love it! I remember watching one of the YouTubers exclaim how much she loved her life and wished one day I would be able to say that. 

Friends, that day is now. It's been that day for a few days now. I was happy yesterday AND today and days before. Wow!

Is this what life is like for people. Is this what it's like to be one of the happy people.

Even little things make me happy - like the new Capital One card. It literally fits into my upcoming travel plans so well, i'm squealing with glee.

Operation: Bonus Nachos is 1 week underway. It's a lot of work but so far going really well. I just have to accept there will be some initial overtime involved but I am confident I will find a groove and find a more manageable schedule. 

Gotta get some of the initial cobwebs out of the way. 

I've slept all week without coughing. Miracles of miracles!!

It's just so funny how when you're busy and a little stressed, priorities that need to just rise to the surface.

I'm thinking if this is my last year, it's a good last year. I'll be busy and so coming down off that will be amazing. It'll be a fun slide. 

And also as another safety lever, it'll be good to leave Call center #4 on a good note. Just in case.

It's so amazing to see Purple's numbers sky rocket without working. I mean I'm still working 4 years after she stopped and I'm barely keeping up with her. Amaze-balls! But that just adds to my confidence cache. And also just having the company of someone else on the journey. 

Feeling FIne

 Um, I don't know what's going on with the stock market, but I'm happy. My numbers have shot up to the point I'm almost afraid something bad is going to happen. But I'm sticking with my goal of planning for the best. Oh well.

It's been a hectic week but has worked out in a twilight zone kind of way. It's nice having bonus nachos because of the confidence it instills. It's working wonders on my anxiety. I don't have to worry as much when something goes wrong or if the sea witches rears their ugly head.

There's a bit of a snafoo with taking time off with Aussie trip, but I'm still going. There is a part of me that's tempted to move it to mid october or something just so I can get further along in the year, but we shall see. 

Other than that, I've been sleeping well all week so far, with no coughing. 

I think it's coming into focus that I really could FI and RE next year. And with that, I want to focus on enjoying more things... well I'm already doing that, but it's more of a priority I guess?

So maybe I'll do the yoga retreat. Maybe I'll go see a comedy show. 

We shall see....

saturday, july 6

 so trying to relax and meditate.

what's on my mind currently:

- paying off my car in the next 2 months (achievable)

- um, starting Thing 2

- do i want to go to belize...

- what is future at job - trying to remember when you're in the midst of the struggle, it's hard to see/think clearly...but my mind keeps trying to solve for it and imagine various scenarios...when it would help just to step back and figure out how to live in the present

- decided to just go to belize next year...but then i start thinking about next year...and we're back where i started...

- so yeah...

Enjoying this season of life

 I think that's pretty much it. 

I'm learning and finally getting the idea that this is my life, and it's good. There will typically be a new bop-it where the last bop-it was.

But I don't have to covet my free time so much. Things ebb and flow in my life. I don't have to covet my free time for fear I'll never get it again.

School is over, and pretty soon work will be over.

So filling my days with things that need to be done or that I enjoy is a reasonable way to live. I don't have to hoard it and or look forward to days of nothing.

There will always be days of nothing. And if there's not, I can make them!

I think just uncoupling myself from this lack of control on my life. I can cancel appointments. I can call in sick. Cool things will continue to happen.

Leave room for fun, MERJ! 

p.s. - i love my life! 

Ursula the work sea witch does not win again!

 I was almost ready to throw in the towel, but I found a new way to look at it. And it has made all the difference.

So just when I thought I had dodged one boppit at work, another one popped up. Causing me more work angst. Like I needed that.

Mostly what's at stake here other than emotional anguish is my retirement date. It's gone through many iterations the last 4-6 weeks.

But now with New Job (hooray!), I have yet a new plan.

I think the best path moving forward is to consider New Job my Primary Job and Widget job my secondary job. This is transformational because Widget job is the job I've held longer and makes 2x as much as New job. Butttt, Widget job is currently unstable. And that instability is the reason I went looking for New Job as of late.

So remembering that it was easier to make this mental shift. And it has made all the difference. Although I haven't started, from past experience, I am more in control of the outcomes of New Job. It's call center. I can control my metrics more so there. I do have a minor concern that there is some writing involved and I know now that writing for a job is not my calling. 

For now, I'm done dancing with Widget Job to try to think of optimal outcomes.

So for now, I'm moving forward with New Job as primary job and putting my priority and focus with doing that job well. Aaaand the other thing is, I decided to let go of specific financial objectives...errr specific savings objectives because with New Job I think I can hack out 2 more years to my original (recent) retirement goal of Jun 2026. So that means if I'm willing to work for 2 more years than I can let the market take control.

So with minimal savings goals, New Job's salary will be just fine. 

I remembered too that I wanted to move away from aggressive savings goal and just enjoy the remaining half of my life. Because of job instability, I had packed in some big savings goal for the next 2 to 9 months, so I can relax on some of those.

I have a job! 

So yeah, maxing out 401k will not be a priority with New Job in 2025. It just won't. I'll still do the minimum to get the match (which doesn't seem all that worthwhile cuz it takes 5 years to vest, but I'll take the tax benefit). But yeah without thinking much about it yet, I see myself looking at what my expenses are for this year 2024 and using that to make savings goal, if any, beyond 3%

I have to remind myself it seems, I'm on the soft life path.

No more over-achieving. No more unnecessary stress.

Cuz I've already FIed twice now. I have enough to more than meet my basic needs and expenses and enough to pursue my interests.

And this makes me happy and calms me down. Yay!

Winning for all! 

100k is a great salary; the fact that I bemoaned it is a little outrageous! So yeah, good time to level set as I reach a new freedom point - July 4. Just declaring my financial independence and freedom from worry and unnecessary aggressive savings goal and outcomes.

1 million is just a fun number at this point. I'm FI, folks! I did it. And I'll do it and can celebrate if/when I reach 1 million.

But until then..hello! enjoy the ride!!! This is your life. 

Monday dread

 Hi, friends-

Don't know why but lately, I've been feeling so much dread with work meetings I have to lead. Right now, I'm just trying to get through this week.

I've done more than enough prep and that usually makes it okay, but the dread feeling still persists. 

I'm trying and mostly succeeding at not making too many big life plans past this week. Not for EOL reasons, but mostly just trying to enjoy the moment; not panic; and await more data.

Ok, toodles! It's 6 in the morning here!

I like my life now

 It feels good to say that. The last week or so I was definitely stuck in a blue-grey space. But I just have to get through this week of worky-work and things will even out again.

It seems low risk that my boss will meet to talk about a coaching plan this week as he is going to be gone all of July.

So with no new tasks being assigned, and I get through this tough week at work, summer should calm down.

I heard someone say that when we were talking about affording something - I like my life now. They didn't want to pinch pennies.

But outside of pinching pennies, I liked the statement and I liked it for myself. I like myself now. No future planning or bemoaning the past. I like my life now.

I like my apartment. I like my social life. I like the life my salary affords me. 

Sigh of relief. No big words or extra thoughts.

Even when I have to clean which I hate or do real work which I always hate. I like my life now. 

So yes, I just want to add to it, not take away from it. This is a baseline of happiness. 

Note - there is something powerful to watching nature shows. Animals first instinct is to fight for life. Fish often wriggle their way off a hook. Even when their heart is pierced, a squirrel bites its captor. The animal fur that is camouflaged with its surroundings. We are designed for life and have our own innate ability to protect ourselves. 

I won't wax on too much about that.

In the world of points, I have 2 more plays I want to want to try to get to for my east Africa trip. Looking forward to initiating those.

Ok, that's all for now. 

So many feelings

 I am having some pretty bad breakthrough feelings....

In no particular order..

- i want to drive my car into an overpass....just to get over this hump

- i want to text people that will hurt my feelings

i want to quit my job

i want to apply for credit cards

i want to message recruiters and ask them to hire me

i want to message hiring managers

i want to confront my grand boss

i want to confront ursula and burn her house down

i want to quit my job

i want to run away

i don't want to do these meetings next week

but i do cuz then i'm done with the hard part

i want to scream - please help me! i have no idea what i'm doing, but then i'll get placed on a PIP and lose my job anyway

i want to work two jobs and rub my hands together maniacally and collect a fat paycheck

i want to stay until end of mar 2025 because i grossed almost 90k in the first 3 months of this year and it would be cool to do it again!

i want to run away, quit my job; cry, scream; i miss my aunt; i miss believing in something; i miss daydreaming; i miss having bigger dreams

i wish i was better at working; why am i so smart yet everyone seems to be doing better at working than me

when do i get to be done

i wish i were ending work on a better note

is it okay to say f*k it and burn everything to the ground

i don't even know what kind of chair to get

the backpack i ordered is out of stock twice

i want to order 2 chairs

i want to order a desk

i wish i were good at something that made me a lot of money

my get away helped; but also my get away didn't help

i worry that once i get rid of work, i won't find more joy; just more things to be annoyed about

it's harder to be walked out the door than i thought

the thought of having to do one more hard thing in this job makes my stomach turn, but what are my options

how much therapy is going to be enough

should i just take more zoloft...i don't need a throat do i?

i cried a bit...first time this year.. 

i don't know what to want anymore

i have more money than i ever dreamed...why do i feel poor...maybe the goal wasn't to feel rich, but to not feel poor...well that didn't work...

or maybe the dream is not having to work again

but gosh, what will i do with my time!

now this feels like a real issue

I'm okay..mostly

 So I got the news that I didn't get the call center job. Luckily I was driving happily having experienced a cool landmark and the most delicious malaysian curry.

so all is good with the world

now that i'm home and seeing the rejection in black and white, it stings, I have to say.

But what I'm going to do is hunker down on the truth - I can likely do this job until end of august. I'm just going to stop there.

Today I'm going to play with number to make sure I can the things I want taken care of on my current salary.

As far what is next and what I want to happen next - it's kind of up in the air and changes.

Baseline, keep an easy salary as long as possible. Everything after that just has to be based on datapoints on what is achievable. 

As far as my current job, what I know is true is - I don't feel comfortable working it long-term, especially not with my current team. If I was put on another team, I don't think it would be without consequence. So I can't work in a legacy of fear.

I've had to fight for myself before, and I'll keep doing it. Because I am the only one responsible for me. And if I chose to live, this is the only world I know. 

So yeah, maybe the call center job was too good to be true. Sort of - in terms of timing. If they offered it to me...well I don't know. I don't want to entertain any more unknowns for the time being.

So today, I'm just going to re-arrange my finances. 

I couldn't find an external job. I'M VERY PROUD OF MYSELF FOR NOT SPIRALING AND APPLYING TO EVERY JOB I COULD. I just scrolled through Indeed and realized it just wasn't going to happen.

I'm not sure what else I can do at my current company. Going through the interview process is brutal. 

So mostly, I'll just decide in September. (If i can wait that long. Likely, I'll just stress and not enjoy my summer...boo...boo you ursula, sea witch!)

Tues, 9a

 I'm feeling a bit better than just an hour ago. I pooped! Sorry for the visual, but sometimes the little things can boost mood.

I got excited about spending the morning in bed doing tasks.

Work is sucking the joy from my life this morning. But it is not ever lasting. 

I just gotta do the things I gotta do to get through this temporary distress. 

What is true:

- I have a job. 

- I don't want to do said job anymore.

- I've even lost the surety I had with this job and this project. I could not be more disinterested.

- I was going to stay logged into Teams in case my team had questions, but I think it'll be okay to log-off shortly. The workflow ended yesterday.

- I'm confused on how much work I have to do on this project. It might be better to just close the workflow so I have time to think the next few days.

Okay, gotta run some errands!

I'm not doing well, friends

 I've been replaying the interview and the current situation in my mind pretty regularly. I'm not sleeping. I'm not having any fun.

I just feel meh. 

My brain reminds me of its idea of 'failed jobs' and failed job interviews. Work struggles. It's bringing up other people who seemingly have an easy time at work. 

I'm reminded of toxic boyfriend. 

It's not a good feeling.

I realized as much as I want to leave the workforce, I want to leave on my own terms. I think the added pressure of thinking I can't go back to work will negatively impact my early retirement. I will be stressed and stressed. 

That's not a good feeling.

I'm doom scrolling as the kids say, different jobs. Luckily I'm not applying for any externally. Even when I want to, it seems pointless.

In a way, I'm glad I came on a getaway, but it's not helping to distract me. 

The time moves so slowly! 

This is the lowest I've felt in a while. 

I hate limbo. I hate the unknown.

I hate how I feel right now, and I don't know how to feel better.

I can't even cry because the meds won't let me. 

I'm not sure what next step to make. 

I think if it weren't for the meds I'd be making another EOL plan, which sucks. 

I have most of what I wanted for the last few years, and somehow it doesn't feel enough. Because I don't have this one thing.

I worry that once I get this work thing resolved (one way or the other), my focus will turn to my awesome friendship with my neighbor.

That scares me.

How do I stop imploding?

I was looking back at past essays from Junes of past years. It's amazing how big the issues seemed at the time, and how small they are in retrospect - like mentioning an old project I worked for. It seemed so huge and devastating. But it wasn't.

Oh, I miss you, Zoloft! 

This feels huge and life altering and I know it's not. But boy my Brain is powerful. Why does it try to hurt me. 

I'm feeling FIne at 850

 Yes friends! I am declaring myself FI. Work is a source of anxiety and stress. And right now a bit uncertain. I'm waiting for a Coaching Plan. I'm waiting to hear back from a job I could do in my sleep. 

Such is life. This is why we do this!

I took a wee trip to the lake and found some clarity.

At 850k, 

4% withdrawal is: 34k/yr

5% withdrawal is: 42.5k/yr

The 4% withdrawal rate is a bit short of the 40k I had in my mind (but also tons more than my original 20k/yr). So I can either withdraw 5%...which I'm totally okay with it for a couple reasons - I don't need to live till age 80; my index funds should continue to make money over time; and in 20 years, I'll be around the age for social security. And let's face it... I've done so well for myself.

Or I can do 4% withdrawal and supplement with dividend income. I don't know the long-term certainty of this, but right now my friend suggested a fund that is paying me 2k/mon. So, I'll only need 10k/yr from that.

So, I'm good!

So I'm just focusing on 2 financial goals at this point:

- Earn/Allocate $5k for East Africa trip.

- Pay off car.

- Allocate about $900 for furniture. 

This is doable! Just realized that was 3 things. I put the furniture on there just as a reminder. 

But yeah. I was looking for a way to think about my next steps/plan. I think it's easy just to consider myself FI and just trying to gamify the system.

I felt myself getting a bit desperate and I don't want that for myself. 

I controlled for what I could.

I mean let's not forget the physical pain I'm actually in. 

I wish there were another way to juice a little more from this orange. But I think this is it. Don't get greedy, MERJ!

Chillin with trouble in paradise

 I'm glad I got away in response to my silly work troubles. Not sure if it solved anything, but I needed to feel like I was doing something.

The situation has not resolved but I am hoping it gets kicked down the road. 

It would have been victorious to have a new job in hand so I didn't have to have this conversation, but here we are. 

At the end of the day I want to enjoy my life. And that I shall.

I'm still focused on hitting my 3 financial goals in the next 12 months, and trying very hard to wait patiently on this very nice bull market!! Woot!! 

But yeah work will be a boon to leave.

I keep trying to break the next 12 months into smaller milestones to reach.

So yeah, with vacay if I can delay the coaching plan - it's more angsty, but more paycheck. So I have to do it. 

Right now, I'm just trying to get through my current project in one piece, which ends in Sept. Then after that, I want to sail to March 2025 - Bonus Day.

Just need that final payout and then I can exhale. Phew!

But yeah, loose plans for the day -

- watch tv

- go to park

- swim

- eat cheap chinese....

Everyone wins! 

85% to goal and feeling meh

 So, first YAY! I reached my next milestone - 85% of my FI number! Yippee!! Other than the 3 financial goals I want to hit in the next 3 months, I'm soooooooo tired of talking about money. I just want to have a chill summer! 

Is that too much to ask. 

But yes, I reached my next biggest milestone and it's been awesome. It's actually been cool to talk about it aloud with a couple people and not feel like that was going to jinx it or I would be punished somehow!! Yay. 

To be sure, I'm still very excited about reaching my FI number. (Yet some days I still feel poor.) I am hoping once I can live with the financial independence for a few years, I'll finally start to believe no one is coming to take it away from me. 

On Monday, I talk to my boss more about the written Coaching Plan so I'm not looking forward to that. And will likely get an update on the Call Center job - or not. Either way, it's a bit nerve-wracking. 

So to distract myself and just physical distance between my safe happy home and bad news, I decided to take a little road trip a few hours a way to the middle of nowhere. 

I originally was thinking of going to mount rushmore. And as much fun as that would be, the drive is just way too long and the hotel prices are not as reasonable as I wanted. So I decided to fly there later in the year. (Which I'm pretty stoked about; but waiting till Tuesday to make any big money decisions.)

But yeah, I'm planning to leave tomorrow, and come back Tuesday for my trip to the middle of nowhere. I get the stupid news on Monday with my boss...I'm going to be annoyed if he cancels the meeting or postpones it. Hahah. 

Oh well. I really wanted a job in hand on Monday to tell him to suck it but oh well. 

In the end, if I get the call center job at 100k, I'll take it. Grin and Bear it.

If I don't and end up on a coaching plan. I have to grin and bear it too. At least I'll be on my way to financial independence!

Yo, but we can just enjoy my moment for a second. I have enough money to retire FOREVER!! We did it, world!! All of us. Everyone. 

I also applied for and received 3 months forbearance. I want to use that money to pay off my car. I was hoping to get 12 months but we shall see if they let me renew it. I'll take all I can get.

I just spent part of my morning looking at backpacks. Life is still good. 

Even when I'm feeling a bit uneasy right now. I have enough perspective to know this is sucky and temporary. Both things can be true! 

So plan for the rest of the day is to enjoy my weekend. 

Pack and be ready. Book the hotel tonight or tomorrow. And take off a few hours after breakfast, around 12n or so. 

Adios, friends! 

Feeling a bit discouraged today

 Had a meeting with a hiring manager (finally) and I feel neutral, instead of the shoe-in I wanted to be. And the other members of the panel are people who have already looked at my application and rejected it. So this just feels sucky. 

I'm not sure how to figure out a way out of here. I really would prefer to stick with an internal job but as of today and the last few weeks there's not much else I can apply for.

Ugh, the thought of working in my current job just does not appeal to me. 

I mostly just wanted to have something secured before I meet with my manager next Monday. 

Oh well. I've made plans but so far nothing is really coming to fruition on the job front.

I really don't know what else to do - I've reached out to all my leads and still not really getting anywhere. 

I think they are just hiring people they know. So it's not worth it to keep applying. Which is okay.

Just trying to stay motivated as I stay adrift.

I know not to take this personally but it's just frustrating. I have to figure out another plan out of my current job. Just not sure what. 

A tale of 2 jobs and new money moves

 Ok, so this week was a data enriched week for sure! Can't believe Monday was so long. 

So just yesterday, I had a plan to get the call center job. But this morning I feel more motivated to stick it out with current job or writing job. Namely because with call center job at $100k, my take home after maxing out my 401k is an estimated 48k!! Yikes! Now we can no longer why people can't afford their life. 

My current very modest lifestyle has expenses at $42k. 

And I live in the cheapest apartment downtown. Okay, that's not fully true. I found one for $650/mon but it's 1 mile away and near unhoused groups. But it is still always an option. 

But yeah at $48k/yr, I'm a little bit more motivated to stick it out in my current job. But that's without the manager feedback, coaching plan, or working with Ursula. Essentially, yesterday was a good day because I didn't have to interact with any of my colleagues. 

So we'll just have to wait another week to see what new data my manager brings to the table. 

But yeah running through the exercise of what my financial life would be like at a lower paying salary was a little bit of a wake up call. Yikes! Remember when $100k seemed like so much money! How do people live off anything less. I don't think I can afford my life and I'm definitely not living anywhere nice. How does my brother afford his life??

Yeah I have a new respect for the "working poor." Yeah there's no way I'd be able to save as much as I have with such a fine margin. Thank you, big salary! I can never fully appreciate you! 

But yes, with the level of job insecurity I feel with either job, I decided to super stretch my FI date to Jun 2025. Running it through an investment calculator or savings calc, I need to save 60k and have a return of around 12% to reach my FI number in 12 months. So with an achievable, albeit aggressive, goal in mind, I feel more purposeful. 

This just feels like the only answer. After quite a bit of consternation and ruminating yesterday afternoon, I identified 3 financial goals to focus on for the next 12 months:

1. Save 60k

2. Pay off my car ($25k)

3. Plan/Fund a trip to East Africa. 

I had to let Europe go and living abroad for an extended period of time. I just don't want to be working 5p to 12a at this point in my life. 

I want to focus on these items so I can feel even more financially secure in the midst of job insecurity. And it gives me something to focus on that I can control or impact by myself. While the job around feels wobbly at best these days. 

Item 1 and 2 are very achievable in my current job. With the call center job, I will have to be very creative. And it will feel a little tight, but I'm hoping it doesn't affect my social activities too much since my allowance is pretty generous. And with 1 trip and potentially East Africa to focus on, that should help. 

With the call center job, I was thinking to help pay off my car in 12 months, I'll need to pause student loan payments for 12 months. But I think even if I kept my current job, I still want to do that. It feels like free money and that makes me happy. 

So with 8k from student loans saved + 10k grant money + 5k from my old car.. it makes owning this car a bit easier to digest. I have a start date of July 15 for my new money plans because I'm thinking that is the earlies I might start call center job. And my boss will be fully on his vacation by then so I'll have an idea of where I stand with current job.

But yeah, I feel like I've kind of exhausted all my leads with trying to get an internal call center job so if this round doesn't work, I'm out of things to try at the moment. 

So those are things hanging around in my brain. 

I'm curious to figure out what credit card hacking I can do for East Africa. I'm excited to pick a date (I just went with the cheapest one on the travel site). 

So yeah, I'm a girl that loves a plan. So stick around and see how this all ends. 

Still happy, still hopeful

 So they keep posting openings for the call center job at work, but my application keeps getting rejected. It's frustrating. And as a basic human, it makes me want it more. I have enough new data that I would take the job at whatever salary vs staying in my current job.

Luckily, I didn't inflate my lifestyle too much and I was already hoping to be leaving in the next 2 years.

If I can maintain 12% growth over the next 12 months and save an additional 60k, I'll reach my FI number. I think I'll be ready to hit the road, figuratively.

In a way this new data is a good thing because I was unsure what I wanted to do with the job situation. But I'm happy to act on the data received and protect my mental health.

I had a good outcome yesterday in the recruiting process. I have been groomed so long not to be happy for the intermediate outcomes, but I chose to be happy. It was nice that all my persistence moved the needle. I am hopeful that I'll get the panel interview and land the job. 

I don't know why I didn't practice yesterday but I am hoping since the hiring manager already saw my resume, she's happy to move me forward. 

I want to start prepping for the interview because there are a lot of questions!!

My numbers keep going up. A friend is pursuing dividend paying stocks and has gotten my attention. I'm still trying to get out of a target date fund that has done nothing in 2 years so I'm quite primed for a change. 

So yeah, thinking of a base case of 100k with new job and starting July 15 if they move fast. That would be hilarious because my boss would be on break and come back to one less employee. 

Obviously none of my scenarios are happening the way I imagined but I still enjoy the exercise of mapping out different outcomes. 

Um....pull the alarm!

 Yes, my manager has given me what is essentially a bad report or performance improvement plan. Yikes!

Strangely, since this was one of many scenarios going through my mind, I can't say I'm surprised. I mean I am but less so than I would have been. 

Right now my options are:

Default: stay in this position until I'm terminated (but honestly, my human pride/ego has checked me out)

Option 1: look for another internal job

Option 2: look for an external job

I was trying to just last till Bonus Day 2025... to meet my next savings goal...but now I don't know.

Luckily my boss is going on vacation soon until first week of august, so that should help delay any termination. 

But yeah in terms of "keeping my job"...feeling pretty helpless. 

But in terms of financial stability...feeling pretty empowered!

Nothing bad happens. And I luckily have already reviewed my plans for pulling the lever. I've applied to jobs internally and one externally. 

I'm not going too crazy since I know I don't have much left and I have history of applying to random things. 

So if I don't get these next 2 jobs I applied for, I don't really know what else I can do.

If I can't get a job in the field I have experience in, not sure what else I can do. 

So that's my update.

It is as much as an ego hit as you'd think! Wow, I'm just not ready! 

Super Stretch Goal - May 31, 2025

 You heard it here first, kids! In a day of foolishness, I plugged into the savings calculator how much I would need to save a month to reach 1 million dollars in a year... with my current return rate of 12%....I got just about 5k/mon. What...that's only 60k a year...surely I can do that right??

Well I didn't want to go back to aggressive savings; although 1 part of me was thinking, if I could somehow save all my gross salary and live off another fantasy job, I could pull this off. So yes, if by some twist of market returns, I can maintain my current returns, I could quite possible reach my BIG AUDACIOUS GOAL in 1 year.

Wowzers! 

Without really changing anything I'm doing now, I could save 60k by this time next year! Wow.

But as a very nice consolation prize, I could do nothing and still reach the BIG AUDACIOUS GOAL in 2 years. So, there goes what happens in case of job loss.

It's a pretty sweet spot that I literally never dreamed could happen (see original sad projections). 

So still knowing how close and amazing this is, I'm quite impatient. Humans!

I'm also veryyyyyyyyyyyyyyy happy!!!!

For now, I want to keep this to myself. I'm only publicly talking about retiring in 2 years. And even then I go back and forth. But I think part of it is to keep me motivated.

But yeah, even if I reach this super stretch goal next year, I think I'd keep working if my job allowed it - meaning, if it didn't get super annoying and I rage quit. 

I can do this!!!

less judgy and some scenarios

 i realize i haven't been so motivated to plan vacations because my life right now is awesome. vacations in the most recent past have been an escape...so it was worth the time and effort to plan and the energy to execute. 

but now, i don't really have a bunch of free time to plan or daydream because i have enough going on in my regular life with work and socializing. and that is an awesome place to be! so, yay!

or maybe i spend so much time ruminating on other things to think of a vacation. but yeah nothing springs to mind.

so yeah, i get it why some people are home body. it just never occurred to me that regular life could be good/ good enough that there's on fantasy of experiencing life elsewhere. not to say that vacationing is an escape for everyone. but for me, it certainly seemed to be.

so yeah, my life is great right where i am at the moment. 

in other news, still trying to figure out work...i think the unknown of it all is what's annoying me the most. 

do i stay with my Level E job and just figure it out...or move to Level D job at call center.

Here's a new thought - what if I just go down a level in current job. the pro is - i don't have to be a lead, and i still get to work remotely; and if they do let us go... i can then look for a specialist role... or see if there's anything in my old job...

but i still have to work with the sea witches... but it solves the problem for now... even better if i can not start until 2025...but my bonus target will be at a different level...which is unfortunate for me...

Thurs

 Well I successfully completed the 3 day fruit/veggie fast. and lost 5 pounds! weight loss was not the goal but that was a nice surprise.

i'm back to being happy again.

i had a good intro interview with a hiring mgr for the call center job.

i go back and forth with it, so we'll see what they offer.

why i want to go down a level - i love patient centred work and i'd love my nights and weekend back. 

part of me is like you made it... i cheked yesterday and i was 84% of my goal. which is awesome. I think 85% goal will give me a good sense of yeah, this is happening.

i mean i already feel that way. but just when angst swells up, i lose track of it. financially, i can weather a job loss.

emotionally, i struggle with negative job feedback.

therapist reminded me i'm not a child anymore needing to get good feedback to get to stay in America.

Gosh! 

it was just a nice counter to the negative feelings of not moving forward in the other job. but i also saw on workday that the position was already filled, so as suspected, it had nothing to do with me. 

these are the moments i wish i could tolerate zoloft. oh well!

anyway, feeling good again. work got a little worky the last couple days, but it's memorial day weekend and i think i can check out till we get back to the office on tuesday. 

that will feel good. 

i did end up checking balances yesterday and that made me feel WAY better!

i could smile again, like, dummy you're going to be okay.

so in those moments, i want to just float through what i'm calling the free money train. 

so yeah, i looked at different ways to benchmark and milestone my progress...but my mind is just already set on 6-2-26.

i hope more data is revealed that makes this decision easier

- my mgr retires?

- i get to start call center job in october

i'll have to think on what needs to be true....

oh well....

the other thing i did figure out...was i can't 'afford' FMLA with call center job next year, so i can only take it with current job

but if we get 3 months of training with new job....this year...that's enough....

so this year might be my last full year of work...or not...

so many random things i'm trying to punctuage.

later!

Like a human

 hi, friends -

I was feeling a bit down...and then I got an email that boosted my spirits just as i was opening this email.

well, my manager gave me some discouraging news. so i reacted and applied for a bunch of call center jobs. I got the email today that after the recruiter screening, I didn't get it...womp, womp. 

And i had sent an information email request to another hiring manager, and they didn't respond.

So I sent one to another one to punish myself, and they hadn't responded. but then they just did. Yay!

this is why i don't do job apps people.

and work has gotten me all over the place with timelines. 

i put in weekend work and after hours yesterday so I could relax a bit the rest of the week, but that has not proven to work out! 

anyway, after hearing more about the job, i feel more equipped about what i'm getting into. i was actually kind of excited for 3 weeks of travel. Sounds so official!

they want a start date of july 15...which...ooof!

i was hoping for like october, ideally! 

cuz it'd be 3 months of training...which would be awesome! 

well let me go work on my about me schpeel for tomorrow!

I ALREADY WON!

 this morning was angsty. i even took a walk and told 2 people. then i had the great idea to read old blog posts. i didn't like remembering all the things. but i stumbled upon many of my EOL plans and death countdown!!

I'm nowhere close to that. I have passed all the EOL milestones i set for myself. my latest ones only gave me 2023 to live. And Bonus day 2024 was like the absolute latest. 

the earliest ones had me checking out even earlier.

i have tried so many things to get this far. 

so yeah, I already won. I lived!! I freaking lived, yo! 

I already won!! i won this game. This game i never wanted to plan and tried so many ways to opt out. no matter how you skin it - i won!!

a mutual friend mentioned their hairdresser didn't make it. i made it!!

i won!

i've been running an entirely different race than everyone. and i won.

so yeah, bump this job. yeah, i go back to the call center. 

this is all gravy. i don't know far back to count, but i'm taking this gravy boat to the finish line!!

i can't spend anymore time thinking about these people or this thing. 

i'm taking as much control of the wheel as i can, while i still can.

so yeah, i decided to pursue the call center job more actively. yeah i give up my free time, but i hope i give up the angst as well.

there were enough details in the archive that bolsters this decision and point of view. 

yeah, call center works sucks. 

but i'm thinking... i finish this last project with widgeting... takes me to sept 2024.... and maybe start back at call center around october, i hope to be able to use my vacation time by then... maybe october....

and just start after training with call center job around beginning of jan 2025... that would be baller...

thinking of getting residency in a no-income state to help boost income, so that will be fun to manage. 

anyway, wanted to document that for the archives.

onward, MERJ!

Groan...but also, this is what we practiced for, people!

 yes, my boss has stoked some fear in my heart again....first with the push to be a lead, and now he's saying I need to 'level up.' What the?! 

Frowny face. In a way, I'm not too surprised. But also, you can't just manage people on a feeling. I suspect he's comparing me to Ursula which is wholly unfair because she is definitely angling for a Director or Program Lead role, and I am not. 

But from what I know about my other colleagues with the same title, they're not doing much more than me. So, there's that. 

Either way, I can fight it or face the facts.

So with some trepidation, I applied for 3 more call center roles within my company. This gravy boat was good while it lasted. 

Anyway, this is what we practiced for. I'd always anticipated going back to the call center if stuff got rough, so this isn't a total surprise. I was just celebrating my freedom. But oh well. Best case scenario is my boss gets forced into retirement. 

But yeah, I will continue to gather new data. 

It's tough - the anxiety of trying to 'level up' vs the anxiety of call center work. 

Yikes! 

Fri-yay - still loving life

 Yay, for science and medication and financial stability!

Financial stability is literally the best thing that ever happened to me. Sure, I may never stay in the Four Seasons or fly private jet, but it's such a luxury to have money to work on my mental and physical health.

It's such a luxury to work remotely in a flexible job so even when I have the money, I also have the time flexibility to be healthy.

So yeah, naturally today is a great day because I don't have any work meetings. Yay! And I toyed with the idea of my year abroad next year. It went from a year to 6 months to 3 months to 6 weeks. I think it just depends on the circumstance at the time. 

When I'm feeling overworked, I want to escape and take leave from work. But when I have a good day at work, I'm fine with remote working from a foreign place.

Luckily the 2 places I have in mind for next year (S. Africa and Portugal), my company has offices with similar time zones. So if I keep my current job, at least that will still work out. What a revelation!

And when I ran my numbers, I don't need to do any pre-saving in 2024. I like that for that reason and also I like using that calendar's income for that calendar year's expenses. 

I was going to gift $2k to the fundraising going on for a relative's house do over. But I can't even get a proper thank you email for hte first $1k, so that's given me some pause. 

Otherwise life is good. I don't think I'm going to make it to Mt. Rushmore this year. I wanted to hit it up before Jun 15 (ie, before it gets too hot), and I just don't think it's going to happen. I am having too much fun just lazing around and enjoying local things. 

So yeah, as much as I like planning, I haven't made any concrete plans for 2025...just drafted a few levers. We'll just wait on more levers on work. I think data from my work will be the driver. So just monitoring how that goes.

I can't even seem to think past this summer in terms of plans. Talk about living in the present! 

The sun is shining. I'm working from bed. And I even made it a work out plan for the summer plan. I can do most things when there is a finite amount of energy required. Phew! 

May 15

 So it's a Wednesday. Just did a presentation it took me a week or 2 to prepare for. I did it. After I was prepped, I felt fine. But then a few minutes before, I got nervous stomach.

Been trying to decide what level of performance anxiety is normal vs wanting to quit my job.

I'm trying to just get it in my head that quitting before my quit date is not an option. On the good days, this is easy to do, but other days, I do toy with the idea.

There is a part of me that feels like I faintly feel the way I did before I quit Call Center 1. But I don't think it's that bad. I have plenty of downtime with this job at the moment, so this may be as good as it gets. I know I can get through this, just still figuring it out. 

I don't know if it's also just the excitement of waiting for Christmas. 

In other news, still planning to do a 2 month swim aerobics challenge for Jun 15 to Aug 15. I'm excited about that. 

Then maybe get my hair done after. 

In July, also tentatively planning on some regional activities- like spending time at the lake. 

So I think it'll be a fun summer. I have some cool activities planned.