I'm not doing well, friends

 I've been replaying the interview and the current situation in my mind pretty regularly. I'm not sleeping. I'm not having any fun.

I just feel meh. 

My brain reminds me of its idea of 'failed jobs' and failed job interviews. Work struggles. It's bringing up other people who seemingly have an easy time at work. 

I'm reminded of toxic boyfriend. 

It's not a good feeling.

I realized as much as I want to leave the workforce, I want to leave on my own terms. I think the added pressure of thinking I can't go back to work will negatively impact my early retirement. I will be stressed and stressed. 

That's not a good feeling.

I'm doom scrolling as the kids say, different jobs. Luckily I'm not applying for any externally. Even when I want to, it seems pointless.

In a way, I'm glad I came on a getaway, but it's not helping to distract me. 

The time moves so slowly! 

This is the lowest I've felt in a while. 

I hate limbo. I hate the unknown.

I hate how I feel right now, and I don't know how to feel better.

I can't even cry because the meds won't let me. 

I'm not sure what next step to make. 

I think if it weren't for the meds I'd be making another EOL plan, which sucks. 

I have most of what I wanted for the last few years, and somehow it doesn't feel enough. Because I don't have this one thing.

I worry that once I get this work thing resolved (one way or the other), my focus will turn to my awesome friendship with my neighbor.

That scares me.

How do I stop imploding?

I was looking back at past essays from Junes of past years. It's amazing how big the issues seemed at the time, and how small they are in retrospect - like mentioning an old project I worked for. It seemed so huge and devastating. But it wasn't.

Oh, I miss you, Zoloft! 

This feels huge and life altering and I know it's not. But boy my Brain is powerful. Why does it try to hurt me.