feeling blah...what's the reason

 i don't know why but i've been feeling pretty blah...is it because i'm waiting for things...so loss of control...idk...

- had a meeting with chase to open a business cc for the bonus - unknown outcome

- maybe just pending informal coaching plan with j1 - unknown outcome

- waiting for travel agent to put this trip i want on sale - unknown outcome

and just the day before, i was thinking...what would my life look like if i kept call center 4...it has 2 of the 3 things i'm looking for - a decent salary, very light workload, just not flexible... 

but i did do 2 things i'm proud of...

--well maybe 3...

- i went to the chase appointment eventhough i didn't want to

- re-did a meeting with boss because my priority is on j2 (i feel good about that because it was easy to prioritize the job that is secure)

- and immediately recognized i needed more help... and reached out to prescriber for new meds...(yay, me...i'm trying to live)'

so yeah, right now, i just want to cry and get in bed...

i need a break but i'm not sure from what

i now know it's not just work...cuz work this week has been extremely chill...

i just feel blah...

i think i need to take a cold break from j1... no more applying or looking for desperate ways out... i feel like i'm chasing a boy again...maybe if i try this extreme thing....keep searching...

i just wanted to find a good solution...but i might be reaching my end of finding solutions...just being done with desperation... 

i think because so many of my positives have come out of desperation; does that start now...

how much more can i disconnect from this job

i've lost track of what i'm trying to achieve....