i get to be happy!

 i do!

it's like when your therapist says you get to choose... you get to choose how you feel...

i choose to be happy

sometimes, i just can't

but today..i can..

i get to be happy

i was thinking how fearful i was to celebrate these recent BIG WINS! lest something comes and takes them away...and my mind started to recount all the big wins...that did get taken away...and guess what i held my breath for those...and they STILL got taken away...so i choose to be happy..and exhale for goodness sakes!

so yeah being over employed didn't really work out the way i hoped but i'm glad i got to say it out loud and celebrate for the months it did...holding my breath would not have stopped it from happening...that's just silly...i'm in fact not a scorcer though many moons ago i was convinced i was a witch!

so yeah...this week is my last full week of work... and i plan on being happy about it...

there are some angsty things on the back burner..but as my therapist like to remind me...they have no power over me...they can't do anything to hurt me...

i'm OK! dang it!

i'm okay...and i will be for a long time..

so God can laugh at my plan all He wants.

i'm freaking okay.

i'm so tired of anxiety and superstition and fear.

it's the freaking holiday season...let me live!

so as for my plans...

i put in my request for leave and i'm planning on everything going according to plan.

this year's expenses are covered...any other income for this year is going into the pot to cover expenses for next year..

and any income from next year is going into investments...

all my dreams have come true and i plan to enjoy them!

i did do some light google stalking of a family friend someone mentioned...and while i did wistfully wonder if they were blissfully happy... i didn't cry or linger or wish i had their life... i just didn't. 

there wasn't anything else to the thought. 

the biggest thing i'm trying to tackle at the moment is my weight gain... losing weight is something i know i don't want to actively do... i did want to do 2 weeks of intense self care...but losing the 20 pounds is what i would want and starving or depriving myself for 2 weeks for just 5 pounds seems like a waste..

so i stewed on it for awhile to figure out what was achievable and try to make a plan..but i just came up with trying not to overeat and avoid sugar... i think i can do that for 2 weeks... and updated my goals in my daylio app...

my focus right now is just tracking my sleep and coughing symptoms

and then trying to incorporate as many days as possible of not over eating and avoiding sugar/sweets

so i'm planning to do 2 weeks of free spinning...which given the times...is likely just going to be 4 classes for me...

and i was looking at getting a meal kit...there were at least 14 meals i wanted...so that was fun to try to narrow it down to 6

...i'm past the boring middle...i'm now at the near end..and boy sometimes the days are slow...

but again...it's my last full week of work EVER..so i've done it for all these years if you include school...i can do it for 1 more week...

i may have applied too early for my next leave but i'm glad cuz i want all this angst behind me so i can be free on MY LAST DAY OF WORK EVER! ok, i should probably stop saying that because it's not exactly true...but still...whatever..

anyway, i'm happy today. and i wanted the world to know.