Getting more comfortable with the idea

 when i had all that free time when i first got to fiji, it felt a bit of a taste of what early retirement would be like...and to be honest it was scary...my mind began to wander into the recessess...

- will i be punished if i don't bring over my brother to america? do i have to do something 'good' to ensure my money doesn't get 'taken' from me? there is definitely that christian fear of feeling undeserving...is that religious trauma? but is it based on something? ...so yeah, i immediately felt fearful that if i didn't do enough 'good' something 'bad' would happen to me and since the source of so much of my happiness is financially funded, the bad would be a decline of my assets... i think that is my greatest fear at the moment; so i felt compelled to have some sort of income to stave off the fear...almost like i had to keep earning my financial independence...which sucks... cuz i didn't feel fear... all these fears around scarcity popped up..and yeah, it was scary...

- then i started thinking about my car...more fear.. i want the smaller car...but i fear it being a few years older and used means something bad would happen...but i wanted to take the risk just to GET WHAT I WANT... but then this afternoon i started thinking about next summer and thought of a road trip..and i FELT more comfortable having my new car than a used car that could conk out on me...so i don't know...

i didn't sleep till 4a last night...trying to figure out a plan

honestly all this future planning is exhausting

i see why some people just fly by the seat of their pants

what did help was writing out feelings and doing some interviewing with myself on what i was feeling about my j1...

just overall negative feelings currently but also some gratitude of all the things it did provide me...yay.....so i had to reframe and find ways to redirect my thoughts

which makes me think..this is not an exercise i want to have to keep doing...i've been thinking more about retrying zoloft... i think i have to try just one more...that feeling of wanting to live was too good not to trying again..

but yeah, the biggest revelation of my exercise last night was.... i can withdraw more than 4%..i can do 6%... i can go up to 60k a year. and i will if that's what it takes to feel secure and happy... i didn't work this hard to still FEEL poor

putting it into a FI calc, my successrate was still 70% or greater...which for now is within my comfort level...

so yeah, i'm about 60% to 80% sure i'm quitting/ resiging/ retiring Jun 2, 2025...

i was mostly concerned that it's such a weird time...with nothing big happening... but how about a fun summer!

i had a great summer this summer, and i can do it again... i can swim, go on day trips, do water parks....go to belize in july if i want...

but yeah, i can finish out the fall...and then grind through the spring...

2 months of winter with a day trip every other weekend, then a march trip; then 2 more months...and then i'm done...

the 5 months of work should net me 25k...which is the base amount of money i'll need for the year...

and off we go!