I feel scared and free at the same time

 I'm moving forward with my plan. And admittedly, I had a bit of nervous stomach this morning. It's weird sticking up for yourself.

Feelings are also weird.

I felt weirdly loyal to a company that I don't think has treated me well. Funny, how quickly I forgot how bad I felt when I was crying and had to up my dose and start taking prozac.

now i'm made to feel like i've left them in a lurch...hmmm that programming runs deep

i do feel like i'm lagging behind on plans and life

like i'm still waiting for something bad to happen

like i'm going to get caught with my hand in the cookie jar

i am just starting to get comfortable with the idea of taking early retirement

not feel undeserving, or rushed, or not ready

then my brother gets sick and looks like he might have stroked out

can't even toilet for himself

what is going on in the world...

how interesting..the two times i try to take off work to take care of myself my family needs me..

is this life?

i feel behind on life and work

and just need some space to gather my thoughts in one place

i feel...

still stuck in survival mode somehow

i literally feel like i have no bandwidth

i know people say that...

but i'm at the point...where i can't form one more though, solve one more problem, or complete one more task

i want to curl up in a ball and wait for it all to be over