Yes, Please Pay Me Less and Other Things

 Had a small cry a few minutes ago.

I haven't felt lonely, definitely alone but I think I'm getting close.

I think that was what led to my poor decision making with the 40 year old. I lost a lot of resolve and desire to "do the right thing" after my aunt died. I was already slipping so it's not entirely that moment, but it was pivotal.

I set up the Wyze cam today. It was both easy and annoying. It was just so hot. Fall revives me. Heat kills my vibe man. But I did it. I think I may need to adjust the angle because ideally i want to see the person walking up but you pretty much just see their head looking down. You really wouldn't be able to identify a face. But I'm happy anyway.

The floor stopper didn't really work but I improvised and laid it flat under the door. That should help close some of the gap I hope. There was fat juicy bug greeting me this morning. It was still alive so my bug spray is not working anymore. I guess next summer I'll try the white bottle of Home Defense. 

The blue spray was making the back of my neck tingle and I only sprayed the outside doorway. So even that little bit was making me feel weird.

That seems little but it took most of the morning.

Went to laundromat since I was already hot and sweaty. I bribed myself by saying just prioritize the bedding. I will have autumn even if it's only in my mind. I could've sworn the weekend was going to be cool but it's only getting hotter!

Goodbye, September!  My numbers are up from 3 months ago but down from August. The robo advisor is down from 3 months ago. I don't know why that thing doesn't mirror the others. 

I think I decided to go to CVS Minute Clinic in October when I get the other test done. I'll just make a day of it since I'll be out anyway.

Just a couple more guys this week on Hinge have asked me to physically go out. So I'm thinking more about getting vaccinated this year instead of 2022. I don't know though because when I broke my rules before, I ended up with heartache. 

I think I just want to wait until things are more normal. I don't want to use the vaccine as a reason to be reckless.  Yeah. 

I don't know what the point of getting the wellness check is anyway. Who wants to know they're sick. I think it'll probably be free anyway so there goes trying to spend my $120 FSA dollars. Decidedly, I'm not doing FSA next year. 

Oh bury the lede. 

Yesterday and the day before was such a whirlwind. Big Job offered to phone screen me. I thought it would be a simple HR screen. It was not! It was still with HR but she asked a lot of in depth questions. It did not go as well as I prepared for.  When she asked about salary expectations, I heard myself asking what the range was. And she gave it to me! It's $160 to 190k. I was floored and automatically felt too big for my britches.  Like the spectrum adjacent gal I am, when she asked again for a number, I said $160....err... to $170k. Facepalm. I already had to talk myself into even asking for $160k so my brain just could not jump to something more reasonable like $170 to $175k. 

I was mad checking email today...well only 2 or 3 times... to see if they wrote back. Nada. It's okay actually.

Other than that, another really great day!

Dating and an HR Screen

 Oh, the news! The Forty Year Old is playing games. Hilar.

Today I feel confident and powerful. He could've asked to hang out today. He didn't. Silly boy. The momentum is definitely gone. Tomorrow is the end of the month and I'll be officially done. I have such  a cheek response if he does try to initiate anything. 

I have to get tested so that's making me nervous because I have to wait 4 weeks for best results but I'm going to try to get it at the 2 week mark just for some piece of mind. Then probably at 4 weeks and 3 months just to be sure. Like the jerk he is, he refused to get tested. That would give me the most piece of mind. 

I might just ask again tomorrow. We'll see. 

It is definitely back in the high 80s this week. Not the beautiful crisp fall air that was giving me life. I'm sweaty and gross again.

Today was still a great day! I got my Wal-Mart delivery pick up and after a lot of hemming and hawing, I finally put together a prep for my phone screen.

Remember that big job I was ballsy enough to apply for. Well they want to screen me. There are already a couple of red flags with the recruiter - namely just the rush. Makes me either think I'm not going to be carefully considered or they're just including me to check off a box. Oh well. 

It felt awesome to be invited to screen!!

And when I took yet another look at my resume it wasn't quite as awful as my Mean Brain had me believe.

So I have that screen this afternoon. I'm actually looking forward to it because I'm not desperate. 

I was in a weird place when I applied. I was missing the call center because it's all I had known for 6 years. But it's been 2 months now and I'm starting to get into my new job. I've been doing some writing exercises the last couple of days, and that was kind of fun. 

I used my brain a little and I liked it. 

No matter what happens, I choose to be happy about being invited to screen. No one can take that from me. I'm curious if my emails to my contact worked or if it was just by chance. Oh well. 

I think because I'm pretty comfortable now, I feel brave enough to ask for a little more. I think the role probably pays $150k but I'm going to ask for $160k. I don't see myself doing it for $140k. I only think $150k is reasonable because it's what the internet led me to believe and I looked at some other senior manager roles on the H1B data site and that seems to align as well. 

That's all for now!

Still Happy! (Includes Some Money Stuff)

 Hello, World! Have I told you how much I love a cool Fall day?!  Well, I do.

I didn't make it to 8a Virtual Yoga because I was enjoying snuggling in my cozy blankets too much. When I did wake up I took a short walk to the end of the neighborhood. I could've walked for hours! 

So many things.

I've been feeling more and more like I should go to get vaccinated and/or go to the doctor to get a jump start on some of my appointments for next year. Side note: as tempting as the HSA is, I think with my increasing ailments, I might just get a regular plan. 

I fell down the stairs this weekend. Got a couple of bumps and scrapes. It was both frightening and freeing. I could have died. And it would've been okay. 

Hinge

This time around on Hinge, I've been less successful. I see the same people and one of my new matches matched with me last time. Haha. I wonder if he even remembers? 

Of the 2 people that have chatted with me, 1 has already brought up sex...twice. Gross. Do I reprimand these men or just unmatch them? It's really hard to say. I think the long text conversations really aren't for me - because of auto-correct, and I think people are saying things on here that they likely wouldn't say in person. And after hearing someone else on the internet say it, I think texts really should be for short communications. I don't want to hear your whole life story on text.  Although I do think if I could free type with my hands and a full keyboard I might change my mind. 

It's also a strange position because I don't really want to get out of the house and meet strange men. I don't want anyone trying to put the moves on. It kind of grosses me out to think about it. 

So there we have it.

I'm trying to untangle myself from the 1st Hinge Date (aka The 40 Year Old). Things have definitely cooled off. I was mad checking my email (because I get the messages sent to email) all weekend. He was pretty predictable. I don't actually think he's that into me because he wasn't putting in that much effort to actually see me again. Then when I cooled off, he was all do you want to hang out? Then I responded and then nothing. *rolls eyes*

In my mind, I very dramatically was going to delete my number to purge him from memory, but so far I've just deleted the texts. 

I know I will get over this because he's not a good guy, it's just annoying that he's occupied so much mental space. But then I think - what else would I be doing. 

It just would've been nice to only have to deal with this one time and be done. Naturally, I do question how this could've gone differently. So I need to really be okay with not coming in hot and heavy. As much as I want an enlightened guy, they really need to feel like they are doing the pursuing even it means 90 days between dates. Lame. 

All the dumb game-playing works. 

Enough about that.

Money Update

So I updated my income and expense spreadsheet yesterday. I stalled a little in investment growth but I'm still shoveling all the money there anyway. 

Quick Update

Expenses YTD: $7.5k (target 15k/year for COVID)

Invested YTD:  $86k (includes 401k as well)

With only 3 months left in the year, I'm actually quite impressed with my expenses! That's with sending $1200 overseas already.  It gives me hope that I could live a simple life on $20k. But also makes me really anxious for big expenses like - house, car, or health. Groan. 

Actually, now that I think about it. This doesn't give a good picture because I didn't have student loans and I didn't pay my mortgage for 4 months. The focus of the COVID budget was more to save and invest as much money as possible while on lockdown. So goal accomplished there!

Other News

I think I'm going to go the laundromat Wednesday. I really need to turn my phone back on (powered off) so I can add things to my Walmart cart. I need to get TP as I'm down to my last roll. It never should have gotten this far. So I figured I should make a Walmart run. Just really need to get to $35. 

I don't feel the urge to stock up like I did last year because I cook less and less, but we shall see.  I can't believe it's about to be October!!

More Rejection and A Fall

 I've been so preoccupied with my own life I didn't even notice the advent of Fall! My favorite season in NC! I was just happy yesterday even on the heels of a fresh rejection.

The bright sun and cool breeze just await to be embraced. All is well. Then I fell down the stairs.

Before that, my biggest struggle of the day was deciding what cold refreshing sweet I wanted- an orange, grapes, or a cold Coke. 

I chose the orange.

I spent the better part of last night and all of this morning fretting over a boy.

Yep the one that has essentially cooled off and all but ghosted me. I don't know what qualifies as a ghosting - 24 hours? 

I'll just make that an official ghosting time frame.

It's funny because the more time that passes between contact the more I plan our life together.

Next I had to turn to the internet.

I have now diagnosed myself with either anxious attachment or fearful avoidant attachment.

I diagnosed him with avoidant attachment at the level of dismissive. Seems about right.

Turns out anxious attachment and avoidant are the worst pair. You don't say!

Even after falling down the stairs and being rejected by a Stranger, I couldn't muster more than a couple tears.

I really wanted to cry to get it all out, but there were no tears.

I took a walk instead.

I want to go everywhere and see everything.

I have to hurry because October means even cooler weather.

What I eventually liked about him:

- I think just seeing his active life 

- The idea of being part of a friend group again

- Being in downtown Raleigh. I parked near a city park and there was a live event happening. Just hearing the hum of other heartbeats. It was more alluring than I thought.

I haven't been able to muster the energy to do these things on my own.

Sometimes as caged as my rules make me, I'm so happy for them. I know I don't have to go out because I'm not really trying to spend any money this year. So it makes it easy that even if I feel bummed that I'm being a bit anti-social, I'm at least accomplishing other goals! 

It doesn't look like the needle moved much this month though despite my scheduled contributions. That's okay. It does tend to make me spendy - but that's how my trusty guardrails protect me once again.

Yes I spent nearly $100 on Amazon last night, but it's money that's already been allocated for Brain.

Yes, y'all! I finally gave in an bought a Wyze Camera for a makeshift doorbell cam. It was awesome.

And today when I went to open the window downstairs, I couldn't. I forgot I had used a tension rod as a window stopper! Yay, safety!

I'd been thinking now and then about moving away from Death House given all the Bugs that also live here and just the general lack of appeal and location of the neighborhood.

But these added security measures have lengthened my stay even if only temporarily. Guardrails, I tell you.

I think what I liked about the 40 Year Old was that I was right about my instincts - something felt off, nearing 'he's not that into you' territory. He'd been pretty straightforward up until then, but inevitably all the humans lie. 

Now I'm just curious to see how this all plays out. Questions for the gallery:

- Do I stay on the app? If so, how long - till end of September or till end of year? (Yes, I rejoined this morning.)

- When do I call it with the Stranger? Tonight at 9:30 (24 hours after my last text)? End of Sept? or End of Year?

- I'm obvi going to delete any trace of him. Do I delete my Google Voice number - end of Sept or end of Year? 

     - End of Sept seems like the cleanest break, but the holidays really do me in so I know there are future mistakes to be made there. And I'm running out of burner numbers. TBD I guess.

Le sigh. At the end of the day, the basic objective of the apps was to provide a distraction. Mission Accomplished.

Do I Even Want a Relationship?

 Of course I bring my struggles with Feelings to the blog. Where else. 

When I was living single, I'd kind of made up my mind to just keep the status quo until the end of the year. I was going to take advantage of COVID. 

Then next year I could decide what I wanted to be different.

Then I just started running out of things to do to occupy my time. 

So I got on the apps thinking if it all went left I could just store it safely in 2021 and move on with 2022.

I'm literally at the prime of my life. I have nothing but time and resources at this venture. My muscles are atrophying.

Everyone else around me has progressed socially, but what am I doing. 

I started thinking of rules for dating on the apps if I rejoined. Yes, since we last spoke I deleted ALL the apps. Even Hinge! 

My first thought was - just in case The 40 Year Old texts me I can say oh I didn't unmatch you in a fit of frustration, I just deleted all the apps. And it would be true.

My second thought was - I feared I might get a little reckless with the guys on there in trying to soothe my hurt feelings. 

An hour later I went to Food Lion for junk food to emotionally eat. And thought, just get back on the apps with new rules. I went in there not really knowing what to expect. 

I don't function best there so I had all my walls up and was just unprepared for battle.

I have to accept that I might actually have to leave the house. There's just so much maintenance involved in actively dating. 

I don't actually want to get my hair done or even shower. I didn't unpack any real clothes since I moved in. Just house clothes. I fully committed to a Life More Ordinary when I moved into Death house. That was just my reality in 2020. I hadn't gone out in 5 years other than to work.

When I got a taste of the 40 Year Old's life - I wanted it. He worked. He went out. He played tennis in a tennis club. He had places to be and people to see. And his parents died (which made me think - hey, we could be family!). 

I don't want to think about this anymore. I hope he texts me.

Boundaries are for hot girls!

 So last night I unmatched the 40-year Old. This is why pain sucks, it clouds your judgement for future decisions.

I caught some feelings eventhough I met him less than a week ago. It was extremely confusing because I think he's just not that effusive and is very direct. But yet, I wanted him to be effusive and touchy-feely.

In the Respect Yourself universe  - this is unacceptable.

I'd told myself to just stick with it until end of the year so that I'd hit the targets I wanted - namely  not be alone during the holidays.

Fail. 

Even if I was leading the conversation, at least I was having a conversation.

I already bared my soul to this person, well as much baring as a private person like me can do.

Grr. 

I knew I should sleep on it but I already slept on it last night.

I just couldn't figure out if he was into me. I asked him and yes, he wanted to come over. But couldn't tomorrow. Yet didn't suggest another date.

Honestly, although I don't like to call people names. I think he's a little on the spectrum like I sometimes joke I am. 

After 2 years his roommate didn't think he was that nice and he seemed to think he is. 

When he was sweet, I thought he was sweet. But he's just so dry and matter of fact other times.

So yes, even if I was constantly feeling rejected from the silence, he was going to meet my goals. 

Ughhhhhhh!

I forgot I wasn't trying to get a relationship out of this. I wasn't looking for the love of my life. I just wanted a distraction for the rest of the year so I wouldn't be bored and sad all day. 

Will I ever know how good I have it while I have it? 

Why I Suck at Dating

 I've done a thing.

The 40 Year Old I met on the app I've seen twice. Kind of against my will. I wonder if I played it right, oh well.

I suck at dating because I immediately want to fast forward to the end. I'm like I chose you, okay let's plan our life together.

I got so tired of feeling this way -mind you it's only been since Thursday that I joined Hinge- I decided to up the ante.

I told the guy to get tested, and make me his girlfriend. After you know 5 days!

I don't care.

He made me do a bunch of stuff I wasn't ready to do and he said he likes bossy women. 

So in my mind to make the emotional struggle go away - I was literally losing my mind yesterday- either he'll say I'm his girlfriend (unlikely) or I get to unmatch (and protect myself from going crazy again).

I hate limbo and that is what dating is. I'm sure the 'will we or won't we' is exciting...at first. But I take it too far. 

I think I just want a fresh start.

So he didn't call or message me last night after exchanging just a few texts mid-day. I kept wanting to call him.  Or like summon him with my brain to call me - it did not work.

This morning I said, I talked to a bunch of random dudes last night because you didn't call me.

He says, I didn't know I was supposed to.  (Is this a trick? I remember saying to him before to message me in the morning, mid-day, and at night...so... I think I was pretty clear. Then when I get messages from the randos to the tune of "Good Morning, Beautiful."... I feel justified.)

I made some rookie mistakes when I look back at the text chain. I should've stood my ground and said we can meet up in 2022 when I've taken the vaccine. I'm waiting to see if the science catches up to the variants. 

Old Me would be like - what if he's the one. What if he's who I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with. New Me will be able to move on without much regret because I know this life I'm living is not my destiny. And that's okay.

My goal with the apps last weekend

- Be Distracted

My goal with the 40 year old moving forward - 

- Not be alone over the holidays

Whoops.

I kind of forgot about that.

I was starting to get too worked up feeling ignored.

Dang it! I'm not really interested in getting to know anyone else. Not necessarily because I want to be with this person forever but because of the mental labor involved in meeting new people.

But I also was happy just being distracted on the apps. Ugh, things moved so fast with the 40 Year Old that I think I started to dream bigger.

Now, I'm rethinking my strategy.

Ahh man! Now that I've had a taste of human interaction, I don't really want to let it go to go back to being alone and crying on the weekends. I don't really want to get vaccinated right now though, either.

Well this took a turn. 

Well I came on here to say that basically I told him to make me his girlfriend or else. But now I'm rethinking that decision. And then I gave him my phone number. That was emotionally risky because that's just one more place to be rejected. But then Rational Brain was like you can pay the $9 for Google to give you a new phone number. That felt better.

It's like, basically he rejects me and I offer more ways to be rejected. Well maybe this time will be different, said the psycho.

So I guess, yes. I wanted to live in a gilded cage and had convinced myself that was enough because I was safe there. But after getting a taste of freedom, the cage feels too small. Too suffocating. I don't want to go back in - I might die in there ...oh right.

But who am I without my walls and rules. I don't recognize that girl. It took a lot of calluses and bruises and broken hearts to be okay with being solo. Can I overcome another devastating loss. 

Will this quest for more ever leave me? 

Who am I when I'm not wrapped up in my sadness and self-protective armor? I don't know that girl. 

I Don't Really Like Him But...

 Well my new obsession is these apps. After a month of no bites, I'm suddenly overwhelmed with interest. I mostly just like chats but a lot of the guys are very opposed to being 'text buddies.'  I guess this is a thing.

The thing with having a lot of matches across several apps is that the conversations are pretty superficial. I don't mind.

I had the one virtual date with a guy from Bumble.

And I've gone over TWICE to meet a guy from Hinge. I think he was one of the very first to ask me out. No actually, I think grandpa was first and then 40 year old was second. Ugh, can you believe that's my age range now. He's actually 41. 

There is definitely this tango with dating apps. You know some part of their profile or initial chat is a lie. It's kind of annoying but admittedly I do it too. 

I'm writing this fine Saturday evening because each alert I get I'm hoping it's him. After being ignored and ghosted for a month on the other app, it's fun getting all the attention. But like the silly schoolgirl I am inside, I've focused most of my attention on the 40-Year Old. 

He's actually a pretty terrible human. But I stuck around because I know I can't actually get that close to him. Apparently I love emotionally unavailable men. It's a defense mechanism. Shocker. I keep asking him to be nice and sweet to me. He is not. He's just your typical jerkface, but apparently, I'm into that. 

Every boundary I try to implement he crosses blithely without a care in the world, and I just let him. Ugh. 

We got a little close before I left, and now he's gone silent. Naturally, I'm afraid I contracted something because I'm not vaccinated...amongst other things. You'd think I didn't go to school for this for 4 years. Ugh. I know better but by golly, I am weak. I just scared myself of all the things I could possibly contract. I don't want to even put it in the universe.

Luckily, when reason returned I googled a test kit and saw that Target has one. If I see him again, I'm getting 2 kits for us. I'm obviously weak to his demands so I'm just going to test us vs waiting for him to do something about it. 

Maybe he intentionally woo'ed me to get me sick. That's where my brain is right now.

I always fantasize about guys that give me just a little bit of attention that's why I don't really put myself out there. Disney and rom-coms ruined me. I was just looking for a distraction but then my body betrayed me and next thing you know I was driving over an hour to meet a stranger! Dumb body!

Anyway, basically, a guy says hello and I plan our whole life together. This works in academics and the work place when I can think a few steps ahead, but in dating- not so much.

As I said, he's a bit of a jerkface. He's just kind of rude and says things callously. When you're trying to gauge if someone likes you, it feels like rejection. He told me a story about an ex, and I know now it's a pattern. 

But that's really all. In my mind, I do lots of things I know I normally wouldn't do for anyone, let alone a stranger, in the hopes that when he decides to like me, he'll want to do compromising things for me to show he cares.

I generally always like people - friends and flings- before they like me. I heard the phrase love-bomb on the internet and it kind of fits here. I think I'm love-bombing him in a way with things I know he enjoys (but I could really not care that much about), so I can show him I care. I know I need to actually verbalize this to him because he really is that clueless.

I don't know. The emotional rollercoaster is a little fun if not devastating. Either way, it's a distraction. Not sure the one I needed if I get sick, but here we are. 

In Which MERJ Goes on the Apps (the Dating Kind)

 About a month ago, I joined Bumble BFF after reading about it on someone else's blog. I got one bite after many swipes. And we exchanged a few messages.

The thing with Bumble is that you can switch between BFF, Relationship and Business mode. So then I toggled to Relationship mode.

The first day I swiped so many I ran out of swipes. I still don't know what the number of max swipes per day is but I reached it. 

My profile: just a random picture I took the day I joined. It was a too close-up headshot. 

I think I had a food picture and another of the same photo this time with teeth. I wasn't ready to put my best self forward because  Rejection. 

So a swiping I went.

I don't remember too many details but a month later, no one had asked me out. I think maybe one person responded to a chat.

With Bumble, you get notified if someone "likes" you but you have to pay to see who it is. Otherwise, if you match, then you can see. There's been a steady stream of 30-50 likes in my profile with blurred images. It got so ridiculuous that I would try to make out the blurred images and choose those as matches to see if I could get a convo started. 

I was getting pretty good at it. But even those led to nothing. So I think a lot of the guys just swipe yes on everyone in hopes of an ego boost? I don't know. But I messaged everyone I matched with.  You can send them a message and they have 24 hours to respond and then the message expires. I don't know if they automatically drop off or if the guys are removing me as their match.

Either way up until yesterday, I got zero bites. Even on the BFF side! The nerve.

What I don't like about Bumble is that you can't manually choose your location. It uses your device to identify your location. As we all know, I don't live in the best area so my options were mostly ex/current military. A  lot of people taking pics with beers, fish, baseball caps, and camou wear.  There are a lot of redheads on dating apps. I don't know that many red heads in real life. 

I actually didn't realize I was being limited by my geography to the extent I was until I started joining other apps.

Sometime Wed or Thurs, I joined a few more. I started with East Meets East. I think it's only a website, not an app. It's for Asians to find other Asians. Notably - I do think people dating only a certain race even if it is their own race is very racist, but apparently the world is okay with it. 

No bites there. And even fewer options. Almost everyone I was shown was either in California or a handful in New York. I think the site is California based and they say they are really successful, but maybe they were 3 years ago.

Then I joined J-date. It wasn't the harem of beautiful wealthy Jewish men I imagined it would be. Mostly a lot of older guys honestly.  Obviously no bites there.

Then I remembered a colleague actually met and married her beau in 8 months and they met on Hinge. During COVID. I'd seen the commercials. 

I'm not sure why exactly, but Hinge was a game changer. The hits kept coming! Maybe it was the day I joined. Maybe it was my pictures. 

The selection on Hinge is prime. For whatever reason, everyone has really high quality photos not the shoddy dark bathroom mirror photos on Bumble. I would say the demographic on Hinge skews young. Most of the profiles I was shown are in their 20s. I didn't know people in their 20s even existed. Where do they live even? Haha. 

Well everyone on Hinge was so beautiful and seemingly better quality, that it inspired me to find better pictures. I looked through some easily accessible pictures and followed their recommendations on what kinds of pictures to upload. 

I maxed out my "likes" on the first day as well because I didn't really know how the app worked. You only get 8 a day, so you have to be very selective.  Honestly, the first profile I saw was like exactly what I wanted. A pharmacist from my alma mater. He didn't choose me but I was very encouraged. 

I still don't know what I want out of this other than to keep me occupied and to Get Into Things (TM). A couple have asked. Everytime it gets close to someone seeming like they want to ask me out, I find myself wanting to duck and cover. 

I felt so much momentum from my success on Hinge that I got greedy and got on OkCupid. Honestly, Hinge's interface is so clean and simple I was a bit overwhelmed on OkC.

They ask sooo many questions. To me, I'm like who cares. I read an article about a guy who wrote a program to find his match on OkC. He basically figured out the questions that would be answered by people who he would be interested in. So that was kind of my approach. At first I was like I'll answer all the questions. But I think the questions are more quantity vs quality, but maybe that's just me. But even the programmer had to go on 55 dates to find this real life match, and that's with using a program to scan like thousands of profiles first.  So that's a good data point to keep in mind if it takes forever. 

I haven't had any convos or real matches on OkC. Having been on Bumble and Hinge, I find the profiles on OkC kind of long and boring. 

I'm way too much of a "next!" millennial to read all those words. 

I went ahead and added one of my better pictures to my Bumble profile as well. It really hasn't changed who I matched with though.

So far...

I've had one virtual date on Bumble. We just had a video chat and what I liked about Bumble is they offered this like In Date Trivia game to help break the ice. I like that feature alot. 

On Hinge, I got matched with someone almost instantly. It's a like 50 year old granddad. So I was just in it for the attention. He asked me to breakfast. He's not someone I would want a relationship with so it was a non-starter. Plus he sent the request at like 4a for the next day at 7a. Ughhh no, thanks.

But there are about 7 people in queue that have sent me messages and responded at least once. One guy asked me out but I opted for a virtual chat instead. It got racy kinda quick and I didn't mind. I was in one of those moods. 

One quickly asked, "do you like sex?" Gross. He's like maybe early 20s. I haven't had the heart to set my age preferences to only show people in my age range so I've been enjoying the attention. 

I got another virtual date that I missed but will follow-up on. 

I don't really feel comfortable going out in public since I don't follow many of the COVID updates. I don't really know what's safe to do yet. 

So right now, I have some light chats with a handful of people in Hinge and I finally got a few dialogues going on in Bumble. Nothing too promising, but it certainly helped pass the day away today. 

OkCupid is a no. It does the same as Bumble where people like you but you can't see the Likes unless you pay or if you Like them as well.  The one feature I do like about OkCupid is that you can see profiles from overseas. That's something I have been wanting to explore for sure! 

I'm actually a little mentally exhausted from all the swiping and chats but it was such a great way to distract myself! 

I think I'm going to let J Date and East Meets East go since they are not apps and unlikely to yield anything fruitful. Next week, I'll see if I can go ahead and delete those profiles. 

So that's my update. For now I just like the flirty chats but it's too much work to shower and dress and get dolled up for an actual date. And you know.. COVID.

I do think though if they ask you out and you're not willing to go, they move on pretty quickly. And really no one I'm interested in has really messaged me back. So there's that.  But why dwell on that when I have all these other guys trying to get my attention!

Moratorium on Jobbing

 I hereby declare a moratorium on work - talking about work, reminiscing about work, complaining about work, crying about work, applying for jobs, anything related to work including employees, and work feelings or lack thereof - until 2022. 

Wednesday Mehs

 I didn't want to leave bed this morning. Well this afternoon. I didn't have a lunch spot in mind and didn't want to do the work of thinking of one. I started watching Southern Charm Savannah. I thought I'd seen it before but only a couple things sounded familiar. 

People really do carry their trauma with them and when faced with their abusers (for lack of a better word), it is very difficult to hold back.

Also, I was starting to have some hateful feelings about things I read on Ask A Manager so I had to step back a little bit. I am reminded why I don't maintain an active presence on social media. I just can't take it. Maybe this is why I didn't become a child star. I don't have the mental fortitude. 

I had my leftover Jimmy John's for breakfast with the chips and an orange. I promptly fell back asleep.

I just had 2 bowls of Corn Pops for lunch. Oh well. I want something more but can't think of what. 

I don't want to enlist God's help or favor in the play for Big Job but I kind of really want it (the job). I might be romanticizing it though because.. Human. I did just write a second draft to the email I plan to send on Monday though. I added just a few more details so it's not quite a cover letter but pretty close.

I don't know. I'm kind of getting used to my New Job I guess. I think there is definitely potential there to at least learn a new skill.

To see this young girl breakdown after reading all these really mean comments about her on social media, it all just seems so unnecessary. What is the point? For me the risk far outweighs the benefit. 

Not much else to add. I think I did get one of my bank bonuses though, so that's exciting. I'm kind of relegating Old Laptop to just email checks and blogging for now though. So I'll take a look next week sometime.

Not much else going on. I just can't get into teen drama like I used to in my twenties.

We Were Never Friends and Happiness Myths

 Unequivocally, my boss and I were never friends. No, Ifs, Ands, or Buts about it. 

There's nothing else to be said. 

In other news, halfway through my fish and rice from this morning, I realized I'd ordered a meat pocket and did not get it. I did not return for it. Meh. The next biggest decision for today is whether I want to finish my Jimmy John's sandwich.

Short of any other daydream, I've been trying to fight the daydream of Big Job.

In one version of the story, of course I didn't get picked the first time around. God was just priming them for me and me for them. There was a woman named Amber I met on the interview that I didn't think I'd get along with. Now she has changed roles or so says LinkedIn. And I would have had to move to a HCOL area and lived with roommates. Now, I don't have to do that. The job is open to Remote. Amber is gone. And I have a lot more experience with the inner workings of a Call Center.  Maybe, those 2 years would have been so horrible that I wouldn't have lasted long enough to make it to Sr. Manager and then where what would I be?

How do we influence the future for others, I wonder.

In the other version of the story, nothing else happens with Big Job and I'm perfectly find staying in retirement from life as a Call Center Manager. 

All in all today was a good day. One of my letters got posted and I got some good advice. I loved interacting with anonymous people online. I liked feeling heard and being able to say, nope, this is actually what I meant. It was another case of being chosen, and it was awesome! 

 I napped drowsily most of the day and nothing bad happened as of 7p.  

I read some articles on the myth of happiness. There was some new things I had not considered.  They basically said, eventually you get over things. Hedonic adaptation. Good things eventually level out and bad things too. Given my forgotten review of all the "bad things" of last year, I guess that's true. ...until the next bad thing. 

They said even in marriages, the high only statistically lasts about 2 years. They said monogamy is essentially difficult to sustain because all the humans love new things. Variety and novelty = dopamine highs, just like drugs. 

Long term passion is a myth. After that you just become companions, like after the stated 2 years.  They actually said women lose interest in sex because it stops being novel.  Hilarious. So it's actually men that need to try harder to keep their partners interested but somehow society has twisted this to fall on the woman. The Patriarchy always wins. 

The humans like surprise. Not necessarily like a surprise party...but like the surprise of something new.  Also remember that novelty is not the same as variety. So a movie night is not really a novelty even if you watch a new movie every time. 

The relationship things were interesting but less relevant for this stage in my life. 

Basically for me, it's more evidence of the arrival fallacy. The feeling of what now? is actually expected. The journey was actually the point. Because once you reach that peak, that high levels out. But don't mistake that for an actual low.  (I make that mistake a lot and struggled with it during 4 years at Call Center #1 when I didn't feel particularly inclined to leave (but felt stuck) or when I started my FIRE journey.)

For me, the lesson was it's okay to enjoy the view and reminisce on the journey. You don't have to keep chasing the next thing to be happy. I mean I guess there's nothing wrong with that. Just don't mistake the plateau for unhappiness.  That really is all there is unless you want to keep chasing the next high.

I guess for me... you can expand your view point and try different journeys if you still want that high. 

But this feeling of meh... is actually just life.  For the question, is this all there is? For me, the answer is YES.

I think that's why people enjoy raising children. There is probably an intrinsic high because everything is new when you're raising kids. That novelty is continuously getting renewed. That's just my observation. It's a constant journey.  

But I guess it's not universal because some people skip out on their own kids all the time, so who knows. But everyone's journey is different. You know, humans.

Anyway, I'm diverging a bit.

So I guess, said all that to say - I have another tool to sharpen my perspective on this here life. I want to chase this Big Job because it's a little exciting. But whether I get there or not, my feelings will re-calibrate. 

I hope I get there (there I said it).

Tuesday AM Check-In: Big Job Energy

Just got another warning about being at the end of service for Windows 10. Womp, womp. Who knows what to do with computer, but today is not the day for solving life's problems. 

On my schedule, I had Jimmy John's for lunch so when I got tired of lying in bed, I got up and moved downstairs. I checked the mail because there were some debit cards I was waiting for for bank bonuses. I think they are here but I didn't do anything with them yet. This week is not for solving life's problems. 

I turned on Younger because that was on my list of things to watch and headed out. 

I found the Jimmy John's. It was not the one I'd seen yesterday. Next to it was an African cuisine restaurant. Now that's not something you see often. I was intrigued so I went in. I only recognized a couple things on the menu so I just got the #1 special - rice and fish. 

I was excited to eat it, but we all know I don't change course well. So I got Jimmy John's as well.  I went for their Little John but the bread looked a little sad so I just went with a Plain Slim. OMG, that bread is so pillowy soft! Did not disappoint. I was hoping they'd have some day-olds but that plaza looks brand new. It's a good eatery spot because there are a lot of office buildings and medical offices over there. 

But because I was so excited to try my new found cuisine, I dug into that first. It tasted reheated by microwave so everythng was artificially hot. Overally, not super tasty but sometimes you just want rice and fish, so I'll probably go back.

Then I tore off half of my Jimmy Johns sandwich and devoured it. Soooo soft.

Happy. 

I just woke up happy. I don't know! Daydreaming of possibilities. Yeah, you know me by now. I love a good let down. 

I'm just excited at the possibility of getting that other job. It would just be such a sweet victory won. I read the post again and I literally was salivating. The internet said there's no such thing as a dream job and while I certainly don't think this is a dream job for the mere fact that it's a job you can't help but fantasize.

All the narratives in my head just end with this is as a happy ending. I wish I would stop doing this.

I think although I've been putting myself down for staying at Call Center #1 and then subsequently being mad that I left, I forgot to remember that it was reaching a good financial place that allowed me to leave. I knew "office-ing" and "interviewing" were not my jam so job hopping was only made possible by some modicum of financial security. I just want to take some time to acknowledge that. I was okay begging for my job back if I needed to. I was okay financially if I had trouble finding something else.

I didn't account fully for the emotional blowback.

This potential new job is like dating the bad guy. It's probably all wrong but there is some thrill in breaking the rules sometimes. I don't know.

I'm all over the place because I'm trying not to commit to a feeling since it's unclear if my application was overlooked in the hiring process or not seen at all. 

It would just be exciting to get another job in the Call Center at a higher salary and a higher position working with people who perhaps underestimated me...TWICE.

Since I'm already on the I'm Done Working track, this would be just too sweet.

But I think as I did when I left Call Center #1, I'm in a good place. If I get Call Center #4 job, it would just be the sweetest victory. But if I don't, I'm in a pretty good place. 

Like all my secret loves, these people have already rejected me but I'M SO SURE there's just 1 little thing I need to do that will turn it all around. Magical thinking, much. You know you're an overachiever when your idea of YOLO is a big job with more responsibility.

To be fair to myself, I think what I realized when I left Call Center #3 was that I was actually pretty good at that job. The things I didn't like were working with that particular vendor who I just wasn't that impressed with, business review meetings (i.e. death by powerpoint), and working with teammates that didn't do their work or know what they were doing. But I liked the trouble-shooting and problem solving and making processes efficient. I liked that I knew stuff and did stuff. I don't know any other words.

Anyway, that's my current daydream - riding off into the sunset with Big Job at Call Center #4.

Monday Night Check-In: Throw It Back

 Today was not a bad day actually. It took most of the day to not think about work.

No really exciting snacks but I did find a few episodes of Dating No Filter to watch, so that was fun.

Tomorrow, I'm thinking Jimmy Johns and some chips and if I'm lucky I might get some soda.

Not sure what to watch. The original plan was to buy 1 month of Paramount+ so I can watch Big Brother and Love Island but decided against it. I was thinking of saving it for later in the week when I'm likely to be more restless. But now I'm thinking I might save it for my week off in November. 

We'll see.

I listened to an audiobook on my way to the pizza place today.  It got kind of boring. I think an earlier version of me would have been more captured but these are some pretty tired white yuppie stories that are getting harder to relate to. 

In other news, on the 3rd or 4th email check, I got a response! I was happy just with the response. The respondent was pretty much like oh we already started interviewing but thanks anyway. Womp, womp.

I still plan to send an email next Monday just with my highlights. Not sure if it would've made a difference if they're already interviewing but I don't think my resume really did me any favors. It's funny because when I was drafting it, I was like yes, this one! Idk. 

I get so self conscious about including every detail from the posting. But Mean Brain is like hmmm, there is a good chance they did review your resume and it just didn't make the cut? I'm going to choose not to believe that since the status just says Application Submitted. But who knows.

No matter. I'm still sending the follow-up email next week.

It'll give me something to do next Monday. And I think when I get back to work, I'll have more work to do- womp, womp. 

A part of me still wants to check work email, and I have no idea why. In my current role, I barely get more than 1 or 2 emails a week and nothing that actually concerns me, but I guess old habits. 

Right now, I mostly want to eat some more oranges and drink soda. I kind of want some champagne. I was watching too much Below Deck this morning. See - what we surround our self with.

Ugh Mondays

 I love when I pretend I'm so brave and I can handle anything. Spoiler - I really can't. Remember that email I was so sure I could handle. I sent it shortly after 9a their time and have already specifically checked my email twice to see if they responded. Generally, an email like that would've been responded to w/n an hour if a response was coming. 

So now I don't think I'll get a response. Which is how I sort of crafted the email - no response required. But still. I'm as annoyed as when people don't respond to email or text messages.

So now I'm in a weird mood. 

Grr. I know Tuesday's a better timing for business emails but here we are. Oh well. I didn't want to think about it during the weekend and today.

In mad-checking my email, I also stumbled on a voicemail from my lender. I hope it's because they haven't yet received my paperwork and not that there's an issue with it. 

I plan on doing absolutely nothing work/chore related. 

Because I couldn't get computer 3 to work quickly enough, I logged into work computer and out of habit checked work email. There seems to be a bit of drama going on, but luckily I'm not a responsible party. Yay! 

Perfect week to take off.

And like the emotional-cutter I am, I checked Old Boss's Calendar. I saw she was reviewing a data entry process for something I trained the team on. My heart skipped a beat. I bet they're going to say I did something wrong. :(

I'm so glad I didn't send something gushy like I wanted to over the weekend. Still having a lot of mixed emotions clearly. And I was so tempted to get gushy and just let all the hurt feelings go. Now, I'm really glad I didn't.

I hope to keep this 10 year old laptop out for the rest of this week so I don't have to use work laptop at all. It'll probably overheat (haha), but we shall see.

Well in an attempt to pacify myself, I did drive to get pizza for lunch. Plan is to stay in bed upstairs till 12n then go get lunch and then eat downstairs and stay there still dark.

Oh! I think I saw the strange woman from the other day on the street. I actually don't think it was her because this woman looked a little thinner and a different complexion, but this woman reminded me of her. She was in workout clothes and had the phone in her hand again. I think just those elements were the same, but it was odd.

Now that I think about it, there was another time where I saw a random woman this time with a guy two days in a row in workout gear. It was just weird because they are walking in these weird fields, not somewhere you'd intentionally go to workout. 

So, yeah. Still not sure what to make of that weird nigh. Truth be told, I'm a little disappointed that Maryland Aunty didn't reach out to make sure I was okay. But we already knew I don't really have a ride-or-die right now. And that's OKAY!

So what's got me in a mood:

- Not much to watch

- That event on Old Boss's Calendar

- No response to my Cold Call email

Womp, womp. And I just had 2 truffles, so food ain't working. 

Oh for gratitude

- The pizza was good...I really like how they use just the right amount of fake cheese without me having to provide direction. The crust is not very crispy though.

- Old Laptop connected to the internet

- 5 days off from work

Sunday News

 Today I actually feel okay eventhough I'm facing 5-7 days of nothingness.

I brought my list of 8 things to do downstairs.

I decided it would be okay if I wanted to go out and get lunch everyday. It's a win because if I do go, I get yummy lunch. If I don't go, there's always the high of cancelled plans! Yay. 

Oh, remember how I was thinking about emailing a contact from Call Center #1 for a big girl job? Well, I think I'm going to do it. I did some more internet sleuthing and I don't actually think the contact I have is the hiring manager so it lowered the stakes a little bit. And then after I slept on it, I decided it would be better to not ask to chat. I don't know her that well so I don't want to put her on the spot. And since she's probably not the hiring manager, that wouldn't be particularly beneficial to me.  And this way, I don't have to keep checking my email to see when she responds or prep for a meeting, even it was informal.

I like the email I drafted so far because she really doesn't have to do anything. She can read the email, delete the email, or forward to the hiring manager (desirable).

And for me, I get the little bit of spunk out. This is as low risk as I can get short of doing nothing. Doing nothing is what Stable Brain would prefer.

But I have nothing to lose and the benefit of if I got this would be totally worth it! 

I like it too because I don't have to hold my breath for long. I gave it the first Tuesday after I applied - crickets. Now, I'm going to sleep on my draft and send it tomorrow. Then wait until Tuesday to see if I get any kind of response. If nothing, then that's okay. I'm not at work, so whatever feelings can be nursed while not on the clock.  And again, I don't have to worry about her agreeing to chat or prepping for a chat or getting nervous, etc! 

I decided to glide over the fact that I interviewed previously and just went with "we met a few years ago."

This is also a welcomed distraction from Feelings. 

Other than that, nothing else going on. 

I'm typing topless and it feels drafty and liberating. Maybe that'll be my theme for the weekend. NakedGirl Summer (TM)... haha. 

There was a period in my life when I wanted a secret and I would go to work without underpants in the summer. It was fun. Why did I stop doing that? 

Bumble

I may or may not have mentioned that I'm on Bumble. I joined Bumble BFF after reading about it on someone else's blog. They had more luck than I did. I hate sharing my information on social media so I was extremely reluctant. I put up 1 picture, then 2. Now I just put up a "sexy" picture I found on the internet. So we shall see. 

Basically, I've had nothing more than 2 or 3 very dry chats. 

If McDs is still running $1 fries in the app, I might get that and finish yawning to whatever is streaming on my TV right now. 

Other than that, it's business as usual.  Oh wait, I almost forgot! Yesterday night, a strange woman rang my doorbell about 9 times. I hid upstairs to watch her walk away. I thought she was the neighbor but about 15 minutes later I saw her emerge from the house 2 doors down. So I think she was just ringing people's doorbells.  It was dark and scary. I ended up barricading my doors and windows and locked my bedroom door. I didn't actually know my bedroom door had a lock, so fun fact.

Yeah, it was weird. It's made me consider more about getting a video doorbell and security cameras.  At the very least I want to get a motion light for the front door as well. 

Household chores just don't tickle my fancy anymore (let's be honest - they never did).

More and more, I've been thinking about moving back to an apartment with a balcony. I just wish I could find an affordable one. Oh well.

Well now I feel silly

OMG! I feel so silly for all those Feelings. I've always said it only feels like child abuse if you're the only one suffering. Talk to commiseration.

I ended up binge-reading some more Ask a Manager and stumbled upon this nugget. 

So why is it that so many people dread the prospect of quitting a job, even when the job has made them miserable and even when they’re leaving for something much better (higher pay, more interesting work)?

In part, I suspect it’s that work simply feels incredibly personal to us. All of the things that are supposed to be “just business”—how much we’re paid, what kind of recognition our projects get, how frequently the boss cancels meetings with us—actually feel like pointed reflections on our worth. We assume this runs both ways and that therefore when we choose to walk away from a job, we’re signaling a kind of personal rejection to and of others. Seen in that light, leaving a job feels less like a business decision to sell our labor to a different bidder and more akin to a breakup where we’re saying, “I no longer like you the same way I used to, and for some time now I’ve been planning to leave you.” Then throw in that we all want to think we’re indispensible and will be terribly difficult to replace, and we assume we’re delivering devastating news. And really, at some level, maybe we want it to be devastating. If an employer isn’t wrecked at losing us, how much did they ever really value us?

https://slate.com/human-interest/2018/05/is-it-normal-to-get-incredibly-nervous-about-telling-your-boss-youre-quitting.html

Literally, this.

To know that this isn't personally happening to me is incredibly liberating. She didn't attack me or reject me... that this is as normal as the sky makes feel incredibly silly.

I read so much into our interactions when really this is just a thing that happens.

Ugh, so she's the normal one. And just like that I love her again (not that I needed that much reason).

I MEAN I LITERALLY was so distraught over this. Like I could only see red. How could she do this to me? How could God let someone hurt me like this? I don't want to live in a world where this normal. Can you imagine how off the rocker I went! So far, so far! 

When it's really just Feelings.

When will I learn that the world has been around so long that I have yet to feel a Feeling that I'm the only one experiencing.

I feel incredibly unoriginal and actually freed a bit.

Kindness always pays. 

I definitely regret blowing her off. And I definitely regret disparaging her to a teammate. That wasn't fair.  While it was "true" in that that's how I felt, it was private. And if I didn't express it to her, then I wasn't a good friend by expressing it to someone else in hopes that it would get back to her. 

I don't care about saying it to my non-work mates, but I know intentionally said it to someone at work in hopes that she would hear about it. That wasn't nice. 

That's not on-brand for the person I want to be. 

Yay, at least we can be friends again! 

Wipe Your Tears With Your New Money

As I might have mentioned, I've been virtually commiserating with people who write into and comment on the Ask a A Manager site. Some of the stories are pretty terrible but some are amusing. 

Someone wrote in with a story similar to mine and one of the commenters said to wipe your tears with your new money.

I loved it! 

And just like that I feel good again. Yesterday was really tough. The Devil kept trying to convince me to reach out to this woman. After dodging her once, the second time I felt compelled to answer and I wasn't that pleased with my answer. Part of me does wish I had taken more time to feel 100% with my answer, but part of me is glad I just put something and got it over with. And lest we forget, I didn't engage by asking her a question! Yay, me!

But this week was really tough because Secret Love wanted to open that window a little more, but though I cried and fretted and vacillated, I found other ways to cope.

Yay, me! 

I wrote the letter out here. I wrote the letter out in a notebook. I wrote the letter out in OneNote. I read the letter out. I commiserated online. I did all the things.

This morning I woke up empowered again.

This woman was rejected me personally and professionally, and yet I was willing to compromise my value set because I was so desperate to call anyone a friend. Anyone.

People that hurt you don't get to be your friends. 

The more distance I put between us, the better it will be for me psychologically. At the end of the day, she stopped being a safe space no matter how we started. It's tough now because now instead of the positive highlight reel, Brain is now running the reel of all the slights and hurts. Ouch. It will be another wild ride while this wound exudates and eventually heals. 

My Pretty Woman Moment

Remember that other job I was contemplating. Let's stroll down memory lane. Sometime in early 2019, I was feeling especially hopeful to change my position in life. I was a vendor for a client and applied directly with the Client for a job on their team overseeing us as the vendor. I definitely felt uniquely qualified.

The rejection is what led to a year or so of emotional turmoil and ultimately landed me at Call Center #3.

Fast forward to the present. A similar position has opened up at the Client and I submitted an app. I have the contact information for either the hiring manager or the person filling the role in the interim.

I've been thinking strongly about contacting him just to set up an informal chat as a way in.  I was against it because I don't want to risk my emotional health.

But when I outweigh the benefit to the risk, the taste of that Pretty Woman Moment (i.e. "big mistake") seemed to far outweigh the risk.

It will suck to be rejected. I'll feel like I can never show my face at that Client again. But wait, I wasn't going to. I'm scared it'll get back to Old Boss somehow - shame all over again.  I'm afraid even if I charm the new manager, the old team will still be there and remember they rejected me in the past.

But if I get the role - oh how sweeet the sound. I'll get to be the boss to my old team at Call Center #1 that refused to promote me. Oh, how sweet the sound, indeed!

I wonder if they'd even remember me. 

That being said, I can't believe it's been 2 years! Wow. I feel like I've grown up a lot since then. And I rarely think that. Most of the time I still feel like that scared 7 year old girl that was hiding behind her mother's dress. 

I know one of the people I interviewed with is still there but don't know about the rest. 

I just did an internet search. The one lady I wasn't too jazzed about doesn't seem to be in the same role, so that's good.  I think I just decided to go ahead and send the email.

Two questions - send to the man who might be filling in the role (never met) or the woman (who I have met and may or may not be the hiring manager) or both?  And which email - professional or personal?

Well, you know where my mind will be.

Professional seems more emotionally risky. I don't want anything being forwarded. Personal has less of a connection they can place. 

Today =   cereal and binge watch...

Toodles!

Friday A.M. Check-In: Leave Room for Hope

 Happy Friday! Tomorrow is my half-birthday!

I woke up feeling empowered but 30 minutes on the computer and I'm right back to vacillating. 

Leave room for hope. 

I need to stop trying to hide my Secret Love Tendencies.

Last night's ruminations

- Name change

- Showing too much in the consult session (for some reason, my brain wants to make it a big deal but I really don't care. I kind of want someone to know)

- The email

This morning I felt powerful enough to walk away but now I don't.

The name change thing just kind of came out of nowhere. Well, I guess not exactly. Feeling powerless, my tendency is to focus on my death date. I haven't been able to renew my license with my new address because I legally changed my name. I legally changed my name to meet my vision for my life. I just knew I was going to escape and I wanted to be ready. My new name means things like "new birth" and "renewed"...things like that.

Having that encouraging name while I live in my Death House just feels like failure over and over. 

So I'd rather just stick to my old name. And at this point, there's so much I would need to change. I just don't know how to go back to using my old name officially.  Maybe start at the SSA?

I think this came with the desire to try to go after the big job. I think everytime it feels like I make a big swing in the wrong direction, I try to overcorrect. My Brain must think it'll help me get over the pain faster. That's what popular wisdom believes anyway - don't feel your pain, redirect and distract. 

So, I think for now, I'll let it simmer for the 4 months left of this year. And just admit to myself that I'm leaving room for hope. Denying it doesn't actually make it less true. 

And then next year, I'll get on it. Boy there sure are a lot of tasks for next year.

I either need to figure out how to keep my Old Name or begin the process of changing my name on everything. The latter does not sound appealing. And I really only want to do that if I get to leave NC for My Best Life. 

Honestly, that's just way too much pressure. 

In other news, I might get pizza today. I liked the new place that I tried enough to go back, but their pizza was $10 and then I remember on Fridays another chain had $5 pizza. Dilemmas, dilemmas. 

Thursday Night Check-In: All the Love is Lost

 So today went by semi-quickly.

I got my first appointment of the day mixed up. I thought it was at 10a so I was killing time until 10a only to find out it was at 11a.

I worked on the blog post and checked emails. Got distracted.

It looks like Spectrum did charge me the lower price. Speaking of which I need to update my Bill Pay. I just didn't feel like it today. I was a bit distracted. 

So that's good news I can be grateful about that. 

I let my clock-radio iPad die and since some blogger mentioned not having music around affected her mood, I was trying to check-in with myself to see if I noticed. Honestly, I don't spend nearly as much time on the computer as I used to, so hard to say. 

Anyway, so let's see - lower internet bill = Win!

My 11a appointment was with the Ergonomics Consultant at work. I didn't anticipate her seeing all my wall postings - and there are many. Some of them were work-related an pretty hateful. Some of them have some Final Countdown notes and FIRE notes. Stuff no one really knows about me in real life. Awkward. 

I wasn't sure if blurring the background would give her the vantage point she needed to assess my set-up. So yeah, it was a tense 30 minutes. Oh well. I don't know. I'm not quite at the IDC (I don't care) phase yet, but I'm closer than I have been.

So we have - lower internet bill, pretty successful ergo consult, then I went ahead and found a notary for my mortgage adjustment document.

I actually read it, and as I predicted my situation was way more complicated than the girl that originally told me about it. We already know I have weird outcomes. 

Nevertheless, I would owe $2k for the 4 months of no mortgage payments. I don't even have $2k, so I signed it and sent if off. Meh, I won't be around in 2050 anyway. Future MERJ's relatives can deal with it. 

I hope heaven is awesome!

Then I baked cornbread.

Mostly spent the day stewing on an email I may or may not send to Old Boss. 

A coworker shared that after going on a year of trying to get a merit based increase that was waived after a promotion and letting her boss know she was looking elsewhere, her boss finally said the words I wanted to hear my Old Boss say, "I would give you money out of my own pocket if I need to."

So, it is possible. It's like the woman who dates the father of her four kids for 20 years and then he marries his first wife after knowing her for 6 months. True story. 

Like, so it is a thing that people say. It's not wishful thinking. It's just a not a thing people say to me. 

Ouch. 

So then it goes back to my letter. What am I trying to accomplish? 

Here's the latest draft of the letter:

Hello,

Thank you for your patience.  Now that I'm settled in a bit, here is the information you requested about my new role. 

Officially, though not yet reflected accurately in Workday, I was promoted to Associate Director within the Widget Writing group. In this role, I'll be leading widget submissions and submission communication strategy for new widgets.  My team, which includes outsourced suppliers, authors widget-sourced documents in the widget submission process, namely X  Important document, Y Important Document, and Z Important Document. 

My manager's name is Princess Cookies. She was part of an interim arrangement during my transition but is now the Senior Director of Widget Writing, and we are part of Widget Operations.  As I may have mentioned, there is still some minor re-alignment going on so some of these changes are recent. 

As for why this role, this role allows me to transfer my skill set to a new challenge within the company that still touches the lives of patients. Because it is project-based and highly visible, there is both a lot of autonomy and a lot of accountability. Additionally,  the intended audience is a widget authority, so there are exacting standards. 

I know you expressed wanting only business critical interactions moving forward, so I hope this fits the bill. Do let me know if there are any questions. 

There is a version of the letter that also includes this tidbit:

To clear any confusion, I did confirm the start date several times, per your request, and while I did move forward with the Widget Writing group, I declined another team's invitation to interview out of respect for you because it would've meant transitioning during the database transition and you were already down a manager.

I think part of me wants to express the hurt. Part of me really just wants to brag about being an AD. Ha! You didn't think I could do it! And someone else did. Honestly, just writing the email puffed me up a bit. Mind you, I have yet to do these things but I could one day! 

It reminds me of a small population of people who are saying don't say your goals out loud because it tricks your brain into thinking you've already done it! That definitely happened here. I started to see myself as actually having done these things! 

The human brain is amazeballs!

Defeated Me is like - who cares, don't send it. What does it really change? It's not going to make her like you more or come back and give you some big apology for hurting your feelings.

Petty Me is like - who cares - rub it in their face. It'll feel good for at least a moment. You're leaving this Plantation someday soon anyway. Who freaking cares. Do whatever you want!  

Also, I would delete the original fake Teams message and say:

Apologies (was unsure what you were asking), I sent the requested update via email.

I guess we'll see how tomorrow goes!

Thursday A.M Check-In: To Send or Not To Send

 So, I've been hiding it from myself. Over the last couple days, I've been crafting an email to Old Boss.

Yes, I know, but here we are. 

Where we last left off, against my better judgement, I responded to her 2nd chat message.

Groan. I think it left me a bit unfulfilled.

I acknowledge she doesn't want me back. I acknowledge nothing I say is going to make her secretly love me. I acknowledge this was a business decision and I gave her plenty of options to provide me with my list of demands.

So why do I want to send this email?

Well apart of me lately is grappling with a few things:

- Do you tell people they hurt your feelings or mistreated you?

- Do you just ghost people who you don't want anything to do with?

- Do you get a chance to correct wrongs or times you felt silenced...you can go back and say the things you wished you'd said? Even knowing it doesn't change outcomes?

I just wonder now if sending this email will just prolong this grieving process. Am I going to wonder for yet another two weeks of how it was received? Be anxious of if she's going to send me a message back? (Spoiler: I already know to ignore it.)

I think as I've always done in the past, literally everytime... I just find big and small ways to try to get the attention of people I once loved. Like, just one more thing will make them love me. One more thing will make them see what they missed out on and love me back. One more thing will make them see the error of their ways and make them so unbelievably sad (and ask me back). One more thing...and all will be well again.

I can say with 100% certainty, this has never happened. But everytime someone hurts me or leaves me, I try one more thing. And each thing, I swear will be the last thing..just to get this last thing out... just to get this little thing out... just to say this one thing or confirm they really meant to say this thing that really hurt me. 

It's never worked.

Maybe I can get them to see how badly they hurt me. 

It's never worked.

Like literally never - hello, I'm alone! 

But like a dumb-dumb, of course this time will be different. There was something there. I felt it, she must have felt it too. That's why she let me go so easily and never called me after I confessed how much I was looking forward to being her friend. That's why she gave me the cold shoulder on my last day - obviously she was so hurt that I was leaving.  That's why even after my warm fuzzy email, she said pretty much the equivalent of ok, thanks, bye! Yeah, right.  She was just waiting for one more gesture from me. Snap out of it, MERJ. 

Natasha from Bachelor in Paradise

I think I feel especially hurt for Natasha from Bachelor in Paradise. No one came to defend her, no one had her back. Another black girl left to fend for herself and left wondering, why not me? 

Maybe that's why I want to send this email. Just stirring up all the Feelings. I kind of want to let Old Boss know that I'm fine without you. This is what you wanted. You did this.

But that will only jab her if she truly felt anything for me, and I think while I'd like to believe the jury is still out on that one, she's made it pretty clear that #INeverKnewYou.

But I think there is a part of me that says she is a human. And even if she doesn't like me (and never did), I'd like to think it's still a bit of a jab. At least when she promotes Old Buddy to AD, I want her to know I did it first! Haha... you saw nothing in me, and this woman who doesn't know me... saw more in me than you. Ha! I win! (These things are not subjectively true, just numerically true... I got paid more to do a job I've never done before.)

Maybe this is the victory lap I never get to take. Maybe this is the height of pettiness. I'm for it.

I mean for once I get to speak Office and win. Maybe. 

Honestly, all I want to do is just tell her I made AD and rub it in their faces. But part of me is wondering what she will think - that I didn't deserve it. Ha, I deserve it as much as Old Buddy. 

Then the email kind of took a turn of pointing out some of the things she said

- the business critical only comment

- and her nastiness about me not moving the start date

I think I didn't like her having the last word. I don't like feeling unheard or misunderstood.

So I'm still undecided. I'm not a huge fan of walking away (though seems to be the choice of the proletariat) and I've really been questioning whether confronting people is ever worthwhile.

But I know no one is going to stick up for me, so I have to stick up for myself. I know this is not my destiny, so I wonder if it even matters.

Up to No Good

Last night when I couldn't sleep, I thought about getting into some mischief. Remember that first client job I applied for that started this whole thing. Well the hiring manager who didn't hire me has left.  I'm thinking of using some contact information I have for some people on that team to see if I can find an in.

This would literally just be for petty reasons and to get into some shenanigans. I don't necessarily know that I want to go back to Call Center work, but I do want to try to finagle my way into this position. I think the pay bump would be fun and there is a bit of the thrill of the hunt. 

I don't know. Obviously, they didn't hire me for a junior position, so going for the senior position would be a long shot... but not for a white man. They bat outside of their league EVERY SINGLE DAY. So I gotta tap into my mediocre white man and see. 

Wednesday AM Check-In: Week 6

 And just like that I don't feel like providing descriptive titles anymore. Too much pressure.

I'm just killing time before my first meeting. This is the first morning since the long days of summer where 8a felt too early. The days still feel long though. 

Can you believe it's been 6 weeks since I "retired" from the Call Center? 

There were 6 weeks between the time I left Call Center #1 to explore my options and started at Call Center #2.

I don't want to remember what that transition was like.

I think for next week, Brain was suggesting a pool of things to do, and maybe choosing a few. This is not for longevity or long-life. Perhaps just a temporary mood booster so I don't spiral into some self-destructive behavior. I'll be off 9 days if you include the two weekend bookends. 

Some ideas:

- Go for walk (no pre-determined duration or distance)

- Go outside (no pre-determined duration)

- Read an e-book (no pre-determined count or duration; just something more than blog posts)

- Stretch (no pre-determined duration or style)

- 30 min to 1 hour of quiet (this I'm thinking for regular life in this quiet season, just at least turn the TV off)

- Start every blog post with something I'm thankful for (it's all the rage, no pressure to make it something different each day)

- Play 1 game of Clue

- Do 1 lesson in DuoLingo

These are the softest of goals. 

Oh the other thing that occurred to me, I may have to buy a computer next year. My old laptop from 2011 officially stopped connecting to the internet. I have my aunt's old computer, so I should prob give it a try before looking for something else. 

But it might be something to keep in mind for this year's Black Friday sale or perhaps that of 2022. I saw someone's blog post already talking about Christmas shopping! Wow! 

Where do people find all these interactive chat sites. I haven't had any luck finding any. 

Tuesday Night Check-In: Words Still Hurt and other things

 Do we have a moral obligation to the people in our lives? If so, what?

It just seems like the rules are constantly shifting and it just matters what the topic of the day is - wage parity, self-care, selflessness, loyalty, office-speak, happiness.

They say men are from Mars, women are from Venus. But like what about Becky from Bloomington or Charlie from Cubicle C? 

It's amazing that everyday a civil war doesn't break out. 

When we all have different motivations, how is it that we've even gone this long without terrorizing each other. But I guess we do just on small scales and global scales.

There is so much pain in the world and this constant need to forgive, heal, talk it out, blah blah blah. I get it. I get why there's terrorism. I get why there's mass shootings. I get domestic violence. I know it sounds terrible. 

But we are constantly hurting each other. Sometimes words just aren't enough. The words often are the first thing that hurt us. Then actions. Then bigger actions. 

Flicking from Body Cam where people hurt each other with metal weapons to something seemingly frilly like Bachelor in Paradise where people hurt each other with verbal weapons. Lies hurt. 

At least with physical pain it's so instant and often in the heat of the moment. But like lying to someone over and over and over again. It's tough. It's tough to untangle. And because you can't see psychological pain, people think you can just go over it. 

Having been lied to and duped for a year, I can tell you that hate and resentment is hard to recover from. I would've almost preferred they slapped me at least I could've known right away that they were a bad person. But lies are so sticky. 

The worst part about the lie I just saw on Bachelor on Paradise is that the abuser tried to make it seem as though he was doing the victim a favor. That she actually benefitted from his lie. Did you know you were a domestic terrorist? Did you know you were an abuser? Is that not what a liar is. 

And what gets me is the woman that laughs it up with him - as though she won't be next.

So I ask again, what do we owe our fellow man? 

It doesn't seem like anything. 

I'm sooo over self-care and boundaries. Do the thing that is right. Do the thing that is good for the next person. Do the thing that requires sacrifice. It's what so many people did for us. We benefitted from that. All of us. 

In Other News

Who did I talk to today?

Just exchanged a few messages with Work Frenemy. 

I realized in the last 6 weeks, I've had maybe 2 conversations that I recall with another human. The others were sporadic orientation meetings where I mostly just offered some placating statements, much like a chat bot. 

So maybe less than 2 hours of actually forming real thoughts as part of a dialogue. Honestly the 2 people I talked to were part of my Frenemy list, so even though the conversations were long in duration, they do most of the talking. So less than 2 hours might be accurate. And the work meetings, I've mostly been an audience member and even those are 0-2 a day.

And I'm off the full week next week just to burn vacation time. I didn't do this last year because I was afraid of the silence. Well, this year it really won't make that much difference whether I'm logged in or not. It just saves me the task of actually logging in.  I was at first scared that I would miss important meetings but when I actually looked at my schedule it's 3 meetings - 1 is an employee engagement. The other 2 are comment resolution meetings which I mostly just listen in on. So, phew. Old Me even thought about logging in just to establish a presence. Nope. 

So on the Low Expectations front, I'm doing pretty well. Normally, I would be itching to make a difference. Honestly, those documents are so long and technical, that would be a huge lift. There are no low hanging fruit to be had here. Thanks, God!  I think there's also generally more admin support, so I think just less opportunity for small wins. Yay!

Honestly, I'm trying not to form any conclusions for this job because it's all tainted. I'm giving it until at least a good x amount of months until I can have a clearer mind. 

Tuesday AM Check-In: Moody

 My foul mood lingers. 

Scheduled an ergo session for Thursday. Hope to get my shoulder situation sorted.

Been watching TV non-stop since Friday.

Feeling forgotten, lost. 

Have to stop blaming or looking to job to solve all my problems.

Should I work on getting my title officially changed? Should I add my title to my away message. The only reason for this is to mentally stick it to My Old Team. I'm pretty sure they're not thinking about me. I'm the only one in this narrative that keeps replaying in my head, but here we are.

I don't want to go to the mailbox because there's work to do. Grr. 

Not sure if I celebrated this or not, but that lost money from a failed direct deposit made it to the right bank account without me having to chase it down. Thanks, God! 

The reason I don't like exercising or taking a walk is that it activates me and sometimes gives me energy with no outlet. 

I don't need energy to live a sedentary life. 

I don't want to get my heart rate up. 

I think I just get annoyed on a light work day when my meetings are spaced out. I feel like I can't do anything (when really I can). I mean I need to go to the bank and I can definitely do that in the 2 hours between my first meeting and 2nd, but somehow my brain is like noooooooooo!

I know this transition was the right thing. It is. I'm working way less and making a bit more. I'm just going to pretend I was laid off because that's essentially what happened in one version of the story. 

Should I just do whatever I want or should I still try to play the game when I can? 

Monday Night Check-In: Not much

 It's my Monday night check-in. 

I had McDonald's spicy chicken sandwich and diarrhea fries. I topped it off with these yummy chocolates from Food Lion. I had the last morsel. 

Now what?

It's a four day weekend, and I made it! Something about the day before the work week makes me a bit melancholy. I've checked my work calendar for next week a few times. I have a total of 2 meetings tomorrow... I think. It was just so uneventful I don't even remember. 

I'm trying not to form thoughts about work. My only goal is to figure out how to get through this solitary confinement. 

Today did not go by as fast. Watched some killing shows. Watched some reality dating shows. Some cop shows. Checked email too many times. Turned the old burner phone on. 

How to get through these days. How to get through this day. 

One Panic, One Flutter

 It's Monday morning. I think I have benefited from having more descriptive titles on my blog posts. We'll see though. 

So far this morning had some more of that shaved beef and rice for breakfast. Some leftover corn on the cob and some rebottled Tahitian Punch. I thought I had the genius idea of pouring the 2 liter into smaller bottles but I don't think it's kept its freshness as I'd hoped.

This morning I watched some more of Naked and Afraid Of Love. I liked how quickly the white men decided that the girls weren't for them and left. I feel like girls never give up that easily. We have been conditioned that for the most part relationship struggles are ours alone to bear. It's our burden to be desirable. 

I think what is carrying over from my binge-read of Captain Awkward is that NiceGirl nonsense. I remember seeing it in one of my killing shows -it was fiction but the killer was pretty much like girls would rather compromise their safety than not be "nice."

I think that's one of the struggles I have with playing the corporate game. You spend so much time being this inauthentic version of yourself that you don't know what's real anymore. At least that's been my experience.

I realize it's not everyone's. And now that the thrill of FIRE is over and there's not much else to say about my personal finance, and the fact that no one in my social circle really gets it, it does just make you wonder. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm nowhere near WANTING to work for 30 years, but it just makes me feel more different than I already do.

I've always been on the outs because I don't deeply desire romantic relationships quite as much as EVERYONE I know.  So much so that I've been accused multiple times by black girls of being a lesbian. 

I'm not a mommy lover like all my girlfriends were in the past. I think this is actually more of the mom's doing than the child's but no one wants to admit the difference. But there's no pejorative of that. 

I certainly don't enjoy working, nor do I deeply desire child-bearing or child-rearing.

I know people are lying when they say "I've ALWAYS wanted to x,y, z (be a mom, get married, etc..)," but I don't know that I've EVER wanted to be those things. I think I sort of expected that was just what happened. But I think once I started to understand the way the world worked, that these things are actually choices I was even more confused that anyone would choose this. 

I feel the same way about work. What am I missing? What don't I get that everyone else seems to?

It's like the reason I didn't got into retail. So many people complained about how terrible it was. It wasn't that bad when I was an intern but I wasn't prideful enough to stick around until it was. 

I think with back to school and the end of the year fast approaching, I'm a bit more self-reflective. Like, if I reached FIRE today...then what?

If I won the lottery today, then what? 

I know nothing I feel is a new feeling, and that I'm not original. So there must be people like me out there. 

Can you die of being ordinary?

I think I'm scared of floating out to sea. Just drifting to my death. I know this what I chose, but it's still scary. I thought it would be more comforting. I think work has been my life raft or the dock... I don't know where this analogy is going, but once I quit work again, it just feels like if I .... 

If I quit work again, one flutter or one moment of panic and I'll drown. 

Maybe that's why I watch so many of these dating type reality shows. Maybe if I study these people long enough I can make myself more like them. 

The opposite is true in the workforce for some reason. I know the longer I stay around these people, the more I'll be like them. And I don't want to be them. (And I think they know it.)

Sunday Night Check-In: Breakups and African Violets

 So for pretty much the whole day since the last post, I've been binge reading a site called Captain Awkward. Where Ask a Manager focused on work related issues, this site focused on regular social issues. I focused on the friendship and breakup articles.

Mostly, they seem to promote the idea of ghosting people and Saying No. I like the idea of banishing the idea of a NiceGirl. It's social conditioning. Definitely something I can get behind.

They acknowledge it's hard with friendships - especially if you get dumped as a friend or want to dump a friend. 

My notes from it: 

It's okay to LOVE someone even after a breakup. But that doesn't mean you need to get back with them. You can breathe through it and use a mantra when that feeling of loss resurfaces or when they contact you to confuse you. 

I realize I can't be in another friendship where I'm constantly trying to be the "best" friend or feel second best to whomever was their first. I know myself, even if I tell myself I won't, I'll always feel excluded or left out or not enough if a shared friend likes the other friend better.

This is what I realized about Old Boss. Yes, I'm still trying to process these feelings. In the version of the story where regardless of the the past we pursue a friendship (likely at my insistence), I will always be trying to understand or DESTROY her relationship with Old Buddy. I'll definitely always feel second best. Nothing about that would change. That dynamic would still be there which is what contributed to my leaving in the first place. 

I totally forgot about that. I'm still living in Dreamland where our friendship is just this isolated La-La land where only the two of us exist. Ugh. 

Plainly, I don't see us being friends while Old Buddy is still in the picture. That sucks. So there's my answer. And I definitely can't be the casual text friend. I'll always want more (and feel rejected when I don't get it). 

Casual texts I might receive

- Half Birthday

- Holiday

- Our Shared Birthday

I don't see her sending anything about her kids but I don't know.

I think I just have to resolve to ignoring it. Keep it business critical as she originally requested even if she regrets saying that now (more wishful thinking).

What if she apologizes? What if she makes a grand gesture? What if she catches me in a moment of weakness? What if she contacts me on personal email or cell phone? What if she wants to meet up when she's in NC? What if she wants to meet up ever? What if she wants to catch up? What if she asks why? What if she asks if everything's okay? 

Truth: I definitely still love her and want to be her friend. I definitely WANT to meet up with her. I would work for her again if she made a strong plea. But I don't think it would be in my best interest. And I would NOT want to work with her with Old Buddy still in the picture.

I think I was looking for the conditions that would make me feel safe to pursue a friendship with her. And that's the start of what it might look like.  And that's an easy one. I can't safely be friends with her while Old Buddy is still in her employ. 

I think trying to nurture a casual relationship in the hopes that Old Buddy is ousted would be careless on my mental psyche. THAT WILL LITERALLY NEVER HAPPEN. 

While I'm still navigating this loss, as for other friendships... I actually don't remember the African Violet of friendship analogy. I know they said the African Violet was a persnickety plant to keep alive. But I think the idea was if needed to break-up, send a break up card with a plant like an African violet.

They did say things like

- You don't owe anyone an explanation

- Closure essentially isn't real - people can request it but you're not obligated to provide it; likewise don't go looking for it as a magical panacea to heal your hurt (and if I'm honest, even if I asked, I would not get the full story and Old Buddy would still be immune to any wrong doing)

- You really would only need to provide an explanation or discussion about hurt feelings for people that are your ACTUAL friends that you intend to reconcile with

- It's enough to be like No or No, thanks. You can say, No, I don't want to be your friend after repeated invites to hang out. Yes, this hurts feelings but they see it as a kindness when the alternative is begrudgingly hanging out with someone or stringing them along. And if you are the asker, after 2 or 3 invites, take the hint. 

- It's okay not to respond to people (I don't agree with that personally)

So yeah, I got some things to think about.

I really, really, really loved and adored My Boss. I did. Full stop. In spite of it all, I'd take her back if she asked. But she won't. And I won't as long as Old Buddy is still in the picture. This is not me holding onto magical thinking. You hear that, future self. This is not permission to send or act on any of the big gestures your are planning. No closure. No explanations. No bad-mouthing. #Ineverknewyou

This is just acknowledgement that you will never be together. You know if you engage even a little bit you will be pulled right back in this. 2022 can not meet you in this circle of self-doubt, self-loathing, and self-destructive habits at least not concerning this Devil in Disguise.

Literally the only words you can respond to are: Old Buddy just quit, can you come back? 

That's it.  Or on a personal level: Old Buddy quit, how are you doing? 

Or if you find out Old Buddy left (not sick, not promoted, QUIT), then you can reach out. 

But yeah, if they're still friends and otherwise engaged workwise, you cannot contact or engage with her. Under NO circumstances unless it's strictly work related. And the only thing that might come up is related to performance evals at the end of year.

So do you tell her you made AD? Absolutely Not. The timing didn't match up.

I mean, this is just rigmarole for my Brain. 

This is just fantasy spelled out for my brain to help me see how outlandish my Magical Thinking is. My Destiny ship has already passed me by. I've already retired from the Call Center. The Next Life Plan is already in motion.