Saturday Night Check-In: Highly Sensitive People, Dreams, and Meat

 It's about 9p. I'm watching 90 Days: The Single Life. 

I'm still trying to figure out computer time on the weekends especially with my lighter workload (i.e. just business hours for now). 

Today was okay. I blogged in the morning and it was okay. And now I'm blogging in the evening. 

The biggest thing I'm trying to figure out is navigating this new stage of my life. 

Because I don't really have anyone to talk to about my lingering feelings about Old Job, I've been reading the site Ask A Manager, and it's a good distraction for the most part. 

I think for the most part I handled it well - at least my exit. I'm so glad I didn't budge on my start date. I had been pushed to the edge.

In my healing, I'm trying to work on self-soothing. 

One of the things I stumbled upon today was a site about Highly Sensitive People. I used to half-jokingly call myself spectrum-adjacent because I know there's something different about me than other people, but now I think Highly Sensitive might be a better fit for what it's like to be me. 

I don't have a cohesive thought for this post, but I just wanted to try to structure my weekend days a little. 

Today I cried a little about Old Job. Just a little though. Like maybe a handful of tears. I had some conversations out loud with things I wanted to say. Luckily I don't remember much. 

I think it's hard to know if we were ever friends and things changed (if so when?) or if we were NEVER friends (does it even matter?).  Or is this normal. At this point it really has been my normal. People are fluid and their feelings and attitudes toward you change without you knowing and you never get an explanation. That's how it's been for me in adulthood and it's incredibly frustrating. 

This was a hoped for new start but it's very much like the last 20 years of my life. 

So it makes it easier just to focus on FIRE, but I can't put any more eggs in the FIRE basket. At this point, I'm thinking of disconnecting from my countdown and budget checks until the end of the year. 

I really want to spend more time with myself even if all I do is just lay there. The weather is cooling down. 

Around 3 or 4p I finally decided to make some corn and go get some smoked meat. I get to the smoked meat place, and they decided to close early. No smoked meat. I didn't panic. I looked nearby for an alternative and when I didn't find anything I quietly drove home.

A little before 8p, I got a taste for some meat that the shaved meat at Food Lion could satisfy. I don't usually like being out after dark, but with a little bit of daylight left, I hurried to the store and back. Yeah, I really need to stay in after dark in this area. But I'm always glad that I have budgeted for my level of food buying - it's usually such an easy way to get a small win for me and a little happiness.

Another worm made it in. I saw one heading toward the door from outside but forgot to notice how exactly it made it through the door and then it was in. I'm not convinced it came in through the seal in the door but can't figure out where else it would've come from. 

My next social goal is to put at least 30 days between phone conversations between the two people I still talk to on the phone.

One of the things that I read on the Highly Sensitive People site was a need to seek advice from people who actually hear you. That's been a complaint I've vocalized to and about these last two people standing. 

So there are 3 People in my life right now I need to shake from any sort of regular contact

- Frenemy Co-Worker

- Maryland Aunty

- And the OverAchiever (this is minor and can be easily done. but a part of me does want to get my title updated in our system and then share it with someone pettily. I will probably do this if it ever happens and I think that's the only time I'll ever need to chat with her. This is why I'd rather this happen sooner than later.)

Dreams

So I looked up some information about some dreams I've been having. They are related to gun violence. The internet basically said the dreams I was having could be interpreted as having to do with conflict in my life, being frustrated by unsaid things and that I may need to watch my back in my personal and professional life, and it may be related to a rejection of some kind. 

All of these things felt very true. The watching my back resonated the most as it's a feeling I've been having lately. There's a heightened level of distrust with Frenemy Co-Worker because she's trying so hard to produce this narrative that career advancement is not on her list but her comments are mismatched with each other and don't match her actions. These are subtle differences and a lot of white lies that I don't think she's realizing she's saying. 

Recognizing subtleties they said is also a characteristic of Highly Sensitive People. It's why I constantly feel lied to or misled. 

Another reason I want to take a break from Frenemy Coworker. I'm already dealing with the lies of last year, I don't need another thing to process. 

It's tricky for me though because I would've been over Last Year by now if I had more going on in my life to distract me, but I don't. So this healing is going to take much longer than it needs to. And now I'm constantly on guard about what to say if Old Boss ever contacts me again.  I think if she doesn't say anything on our near our half-birthday, I should be good for the rest of the year. And hopefully by then I'll have more going on with my life.

Oh speaking of my life. I'm not sure whether to try to get 2 or 3 more therapy sessions in with a new therapist to spend down my FSA or to try to get a massager. 

I think I'll just have to let the AD thing go. They already won.