Thursday A.M Check-In: To Send or Not To Send

 So, I've been hiding it from myself. Over the last couple days, I've been crafting an email to Old Boss.

Yes, I know, but here we are. 

Where we last left off, against my better judgement, I responded to her 2nd chat message.

Groan. I think it left me a bit unfulfilled.

I acknowledge she doesn't want me back. I acknowledge nothing I say is going to make her secretly love me. I acknowledge this was a business decision and I gave her plenty of options to provide me with my list of demands.

So why do I want to send this email?

Well apart of me lately is grappling with a few things:

- Do you tell people they hurt your feelings or mistreated you?

- Do you just ghost people who you don't want anything to do with?

- Do you get a chance to correct wrongs or times you felt silenced...you can go back and say the things you wished you'd said? Even knowing it doesn't change outcomes?

I just wonder now if sending this email will just prolong this grieving process. Am I going to wonder for yet another two weeks of how it was received? Be anxious of if she's going to send me a message back? (Spoiler: I already know to ignore it.)

I think as I've always done in the past, literally everytime... I just find big and small ways to try to get the attention of people I once loved. Like, just one more thing will make them love me. One more thing will make them see what they missed out on and love me back. One more thing will make them see the error of their ways and make them so unbelievably sad (and ask me back). One more thing...and all will be well again.

I can say with 100% certainty, this has never happened. But everytime someone hurts me or leaves me, I try one more thing. And each thing, I swear will be the last thing..just to get this last thing out... just to get this little thing out... just to say this one thing or confirm they really meant to say this thing that really hurt me. 

It's never worked.

Maybe I can get them to see how badly they hurt me. 

It's never worked.

Like literally never - hello, I'm alone! 

But like a dumb-dumb, of course this time will be different. There was something there. I felt it, she must have felt it too. That's why she let me go so easily and never called me after I confessed how much I was looking forward to being her friend. That's why she gave me the cold shoulder on my last day - obviously she was so hurt that I was leaving.  That's why even after my warm fuzzy email, she said pretty much the equivalent of ok, thanks, bye! Yeah, right.  She was just waiting for one more gesture from me. Snap out of it, MERJ. 

Natasha from Bachelor in Paradise

I think I feel especially hurt for Natasha from Bachelor in Paradise. No one came to defend her, no one had her back. Another black girl left to fend for herself and left wondering, why not me? 

Maybe that's why I want to send this email. Just stirring up all the Feelings. I kind of want to let Old Boss know that I'm fine without you. This is what you wanted. You did this.

But that will only jab her if she truly felt anything for me, and I think while I'd like to believe the jury is still out on that one, she's made it pretty clear that #INeverKnewYou.

But I think there is a part of me that says she is a human. And even if she doesn't like me (and never did), I'd like to think it's still a bit of a jab. At least when she promotes Old Buddy to AD, I want her to know I did it first! Haha... you saw nothing in me, and this woman who doesn't know me... saw more in me than you. Ha! I win! (These things are not subjectively true, just numerically true... I got paid more to do a job I've never done before.)

Maybe this is the victory lap I never get to take. Maybe this is the height of pettiness. I'm for it.

I mean for once I get to speak Office and win. Maybe. 

Honestly, all I want to do is just tell her I made AD and rub it in their faces. But part of me is wondering what she will think - that I didn't deserve it. Ha, I deserve it as much as Old Buddy. 

Then the email kind of took a turn of pointing out some of the things she said

- the business critical only comment

- and her nastiness about me not moving the start date

I think I didn't like her having the last word. I don't like feeling unheard or misunderstood.

So I'm still undecided. I'm not a huge fan of walking away (though seems to be the choice of the proletariat) and I've really been questioning whether confronting people is ever worthwhile.

But I know no one is going to stick up for me, so I have to stick up for myself. I know this is not my destiny, so I wonder if it even matters.

Up to No Good

Last night when I couldn't sleep, I thought about getting into some mischief. Remember that first client job I applied for that started this whole thing. Well the hiring manager who didn't hire me has left.  I'm thinking of using some contact information I have for some people on that team to see if I can find an in.

This would literally just be for petty reasons and to get into some shenanigans. I don't necessarily know that I want to go back to Call Center work, but I do want to try to finagle my way into this position. I think the pay bump would be fun and there is a bit of the thrill of the hunt. 

I don't know. Obviously, they didn't hire me for a junior position, so going for the senior position would be a long shot... but not for a white man. They bat outside of their league EVERY SINGLE DAY. So I gotta tap into my mediocre white man and see.