Saturday Morning Ruminations (and Affirmations)

So I've been vacillating between denying myself computer time or just going along with my habit of interacting with my computer every day. 

Today I just decided to log-on instead of having this internal battle of wills to act like I don't want to be incessantly checking emails. Old habits die hard.

In a self-destructive mood, I checked our internal postings to see if my job had been posted for. Remember how I freaked out about 2 or 3 weeks ago when I saw that on the calendar invite. It was the confirmation I needed that I was THAT replaceable. It was the deepest of daggers.

Then Secret Love in me was like oh maybe it's for one of the other managers. Maybe they'll still ask me back. Like, what the heck.

So today I looked for the role again. It was posted about a week after that calendar invite I saw. 

And it's actually posted as a level down. It was actually something I thought all along they should do. And past events meant this was such a harbinger of things to come. 

- When I first started, a colleague kept acting "confused" and saying things like do you report to Old Buddy or Old Manager. After a couple of the same interactions, I either would just let it hang in the air like a rhetorical question or just act just as confused.

- But this puts a lot of things into perspective

- I'd always questioned whether my efforts and contributions were that valuable since I never got the affirmation I was looking for (Spoiler: they weren't!)

- I'd noticed  a shift in the quantity of positive feedback I was getting

- I'd noticed a shift overall in my interaction with my boss, almost as though she was distancing herself. I'd convinced myself it was a reaction to me trying to distance myself (man! my trusty gut is so good about these things!)

- It affirms my fear that Old Buddy did think she needed to manage me in some ways (remember: the "development opportunity" during a presentation she thought she was creating for me)

- They were just using me to do their grunt work

- I was never going to get promoted

- I was never going to get a raise

- Old Buddy is definitely going to be promoted to AD soon, especially once she has 3 direct reports

- They are STILL the dynamic duo riding away in the sunset (I remember getting the visual confirmation I needed once people started returning to work)

- Her work performance was never going to get criticized or critiqued

- The sun really does shine on her butt crack

- I did however outmaneuver Old Boss (I think that's part of the sting on both parts... she was trying to play me)

- THEY'RE NEVER GOING TO ASK ME BACK AND IT REALLY WAS A GOOD RIDDANCE!

- Why all her lies in the Q2 meeting didn't make sense; affirms that yes if I were Old Buddy, I surely would've gotten a raise; if I were Old Buddy, she would've gone to bat for me without raising an eyebrow; and honestly I don't think she needed to go to bat or ask anyone, if it were Old Buddy she'd be making whatever she wanted;  which again confirms that Old Buddy WAS making more than me

- I DO FEEL LESS Pressure to want to maintain this 'friendship" because honestly I still have nights where I replay many parts of the last year up to and including my last weeks. BUT HELLO, DUMMY, WE WERE NEVER FRIENDS. LIKE WHAT ELSE NEEDS TO HAPPEN. 

So ultimately, I don't know how much reassurance I needed that I did the right thing. Maybe one day I'll believe it. I wasn't wanted here. That hurts. I was never going to be the star pupil. That hurts. I was never going to best Old Buddy. That really hurts. 

I will give it to Old Buddy, she is quite good at delegating work and not doing much of it herself. Maybe that's a good manager. Definitely a good corporate world person. Oh, that's probably why she and the Dinosuar don't get along. The Dinosaur has mastered staying power in the Corporate World. I guess that's my poetic justice or at least as good as it's going to get. 

Old Manager was right - she trusts Old Buddy with her business and that has not waivered. 

I feel like Old Buddy is going to get rewarded just for staying. Since I remember Old Buddy saying that's how she got hired was by Old Manager boosting her up to Grand Boss. So in the world of corporate white lies, this will be easy to to do.

It confirms (for the millionth time) that Old Manager never went to bat for me. Again with the circuitous lies in Q2 meeting. Reality sucks. I just didn't want to believe it entirely. This woman was not that into me. She was too good. I see how people get duped on all these reality and dating and "American Greed" type shows. I'm no better. Just another dumb human. 

I came out the victor here, but why do I still feel like a loser?

I wonder if Old Buddy knew this all along?

So yeah, praise the Lord! I'm definitely glad I didn't say she hurt my feelings. THANK you Brain!!! It was all white lies. I can't keep up. 

I feel really happy then with all my outbursts and sharing my concerns with colleagues then.

No love lost here, my friend.

OMG, I'm so glad I read the context clues correctly. She never loved me. It was always them. 

Gosh, I'm so curious what was the plan here? 

I will say now I DEFINITELY want my title changed to reflect my AD role. I at least want my moment of glory even if I'm the only one living it. I will work on that next week. 

Now I do kind of wish I had waited to respond. Stupid New Manager. Stop slowing me down. 

I don't know though because I do like to symbolically date things - I wanted to leave all the Old Boss Drama in August as much as I could. 

I think the best I can hope for is for my title to change sooner rather than later (and HOPEFULLY before Old Buddy - again this same mental game I've only been playing with myself), and if nothing else I can also change it on my internal resume in case they ever snoop. Spoiler: that girl has always had the golden ticket so she doesn't give 2 Fs about me.

This is the part that I'm bewildered about - was there like a secret handshake? I think there's only been one time where my boss slightly seemed to prefer me over Old Buddy and that was during the hellacious 5-week training session I led. Other than that, even when Old Buddy was sick for 3 months, she accidentally messaged me some lamentations that Old Buddy wasn't there. And I remember thinking like -what exactly did she think we were missing? 

At the end of it, I'm just jealous. No one in the workplace has ever had my back like that. No one outside of the workplace except maybe my aunty. 

And literally it's all the same, I spend so much time thinking of how could I have made this turn out differently. Why am I so easily discarded?

I'm so glad I didn't take my Dumb Aunt's advice about asking her about her family. I would've been sucked right back in. SO GLAD. 

I think the part that still gets me is why are you acting mad?!

In dream world,

I should still let her know I made AD and then suggest, I think when you guys rehire it should be just like a program specialist (vs manager) or another role like Mediocre White Man's role that just reports to Old Buddy. She is def better at delegating work than performing work. ..

ooo...OR...She manages her workload well by delegating and socializing work (this is corporate speak for not doing your work but casting the blame a little bit on everyone) better than anyone I know. 

Genius. There's nothing like a good mental comeback to soothe my anxious thoughts and hurt feelings. 

Mind you, not once has it ever happened. But the planning of it is so sweet!