Sunday Night Check-In: Breakups and African Violets

 So for pretty much the whole day since the last post, I've been binge reading a site called Captain Awkward. Where Ask a Manager focused on work related issues, this site focused on regular social issues. I focused on the friendship and breakup articles.

Mostly, they seem to promote the idea of ghosting people and Saying No. I like the idea of banishing the idea of a NiceGirl. It's social conditioning. Definitely something I can get behind.

They acknowledge it's hard with friendships - especially if you get dumped as a friend or want to dump a friend. 

My notes from it: 

It's okay to LOVE someone even after a breakup. But that doesn't mean you need to get back with them. You can breathe through it and use a mantra when that feeling of loss resurfaces or when they contact you to confuse you. 

I realize I can't be in another friendship where I'm constantly trying to be the "best" friend or feel second best to whomever was their first. I know myself, even if I tell myself I won't, I'll always feel excluded or left out or not enough if a shared friend likes the other friend better.

This is what I realized about Old Boss. Yes, I'm still trying to process these feelings. In the version of the story where regardless of the the past we pursue a friendship (likely at my insistence), I will always be trying to understand or DESTROY her relationship with Old Buddy. I'll definitely always feel second best. Nothing about that would change. That dynamic would still be there which is what contributed to my leaving in the first place. 

I totally forgot about that. I'm still living in Dreamland where our friendship is just this isolated La-La land where only the two of us exist. Ugh. 

Plainly, I don't see us being friends while Old Buddy is still in the picture. That sucks. So there's my answer. And I definitely can't be the casual text friend. I'll always want more (and feel rejected when I don't get it). 

Casual texts I might receive

- Half Birthday

- Holiday

- Our Shared Birthday

I don't see her sending anything about her kids but I don't know.

I think I just have to resolve to ignoring it. Keep it business critical as she originally requested even if she regrets saying that now (more wishful thinking).

What if she apologizes? What if she makes a grand gesture? What if she catches me in a moment of weakness? What if she contacts me on personal email or cell phone? What if she wants to meet up when she's in NC? What if she wants to meet up ever? What if she wants to catch up? What if she asks why? What if she asks if everything's okay? 

Truth: I definitely still love her and want to be her friend. I definitely WANT to meet up with her. I would work for her again if she made a strong plea. But I don't think it would be in my best interest. And I would NOT want to work with her with Old Buddy still in the picture.

I think I was looking for the conditions that would make me feel safe to pursue a friendship with her. And that's the start of what it might look like.  And that's an easy one. I can't safely be friends with her while Old Buddy is still in her employ. 

I think trying to nurture a casual relationship in the hopes that Old Buddy is ousted would be careless on my mental psyche. THAT WILL LITERALLY NEVER HAPPEN. 

While I'm still navigating this loss, as for other friendships... I actually don't remember the African Violet of friendship analogy. I know they said the African Violet was a persnickety plant to keep alive. But I think the idea was if needed to break-up, send a break up card with a plant like an African violet.

They did say things like

- You don't owe anyone an explanation

- Closure essentially isn't real - people can request it but you're not obligated to provide it; likewise don't go looking for it as a magical panacea to heal your hurt (and if I'm honest, even if I asked, I would not get the full story and Old Buddy would still be immune to any wrong doing)

- You really would only need to provide an explanation or discussion about hurt feelings for people that are your ACTUAL friends that you intend to reconcile with

- It's enough to be like No or No, thanks. You can say, No, I don't want to be your friend after repeated invites to hang out. Yes, this hurts feelings but they see it as a kindness when the alternative is begrudgingly hanging out with someone or stringing them along. And if you are the asker, after 2 or 3 invites, take the hint. 

- It's okay not to respond to people (I don't agree with that personally)

So yeah, I got some things to think about.

I really, really, really loved and adored My Boss. I did. Full stop. In spite of it all, I'd take her back if she asked. But she won't. And I won't as long as Old Buddy is still in the picture. This is not me holding onto magical thinking. You hear that, future self. This is not permission to send or act on any of the big gestures your are planning. No closure. No explanations. No bad-mouthing. #Ineverknewyou

This is just acknowledgement that you will never be together. You know if you engage even a little bit you will be pulled right back in this. 2022 can not meet you in this circle of self-doubt, self-loathing, and self-destructive habits at least not concerning this Devil in Disguise.

Literally the only words you can respond to are: Old Buddy just quit, can you come back? 

That's it.  Or on a personal level: Old Buddy quit, how are you doing? 

Or if you find out Old Buddy left (not sick, not promoted, QUIT), then you can reach out. 

But yeah, if they're still friends and otherwise engaged workwise, you cannot contact or engage with her. Under NO circumstances unless it's strictly work related. And the only thing that might come up is related to performance evals at the end of year.

So do you tell her you made AD? Absolutely Not. The timing didn't match up.

I mean, this is just rigmarole for my Brain. 

This is just fantasy spelled out for my brain to help me see how outlandish my Magical Thinking is. My Destiny ship has already passed me by. I've already retired from the Call Center. The Next Life Plan is already in motion.