2 Bad Dreams and A Bad Attitude

 Last night I fell into sugar coma after 2 bowls of Lucky Charms. Woke up around 2 or 3am. Then I watched most of 3 episodes of Only Murders in the Building. It was colorful enough for a crime story that I thought I could handle it at that late hour.

There was one scary scene but other than that it was fine.

I say that because I wonder if that's why I had 2 separate dreams in the same night of being murdered.

The dream returned again of being caught in gunfire, but somehow safe and scared. 

I don't know if it's indicative of my current state of affairs or something to come. 

The other one, I don't remember exactly but I think again there was some sort of gunfire but this time I was crouching in a corner and the bad guy found me. I could smell their "perfume." I remember thinking "perfume" (not cologne) which would make me think it's was a woman but it was a masked "man."

So I don't know what that's about. And I feel like this is the second time I've smelled a smell in my dreams. That is also strange. 

I was a bit short with my brother just now, but I don't feel that bad about it. I'm just tired of nonsense relationships. And you know I'm half on a crusade to say and do what I feel.

That was actually an unwritten post from yesterday. My default goal is to really stop speaking to...or at the very least stop proactively reaching out to people. 

I know around the holidays will be hard so I will probably relapse, but I have to start conditioning myself for FIRE. I mean default goal is to FIRE on whatever number I am when I can't take it anymore and I just want to make it to the end of this year. So, there's that. 

But on that same note, I think I kind of want to do whatever I want. I'm half like...well it won't matter anyway...I'm so far away from where I was destined to be...and my memory is not as good as it used to be. I forget more things than I thought. 

Yesterday

Yesterday was actually a good day. I met with my mentor and she was colorful as always but comforting near the end. She was showing me an example of a poorly written module and when I expressed concern about my first project being like that, she said, I WOULD NEVER LET THAT HAPPEN. 

Because beggars can't be choosers, I'm rounding her up to an ally. I've been wanting one of those.

I spoke to one of my frenemies, and I realized I had prime opportunity to interrupt her a couple times like she does me when she has to tend to her babies. Being rude just doesn't come naturally to me. 

I kind of want some cornbread.

I just sent a Teams Message to the other OverAchiever and apparently she's away. She doesn't have an OOO message so I thought it was someone else's calendar invite making her appear away. Oh well, somehow that hurt my feelings. 

See what I mean. I'm all over the place so trying to set these strict boundaries on social contact... I'm just not in a place to be that successful with them. I'll just blame COVID.

My brother is saying my mom hasn't been feeling well. I honestly didn't think she'd last a year after my dad died last November. It's been about 10 months, so we'll see. 

I don't think I know how to be a human.