More Rejection and A Fall

 I've been so preoccupied with my own life I didn't even notice the advent of Fall! My favorite season in NC! I was just happy yesterday even on the heels of a fresh rejection.

The bright sun and cool breeze just await to be embraced. All is well. Then I fell down the stairs.

Before that, my biggest struggle of the day was deciding what cold refreshing sweet I wanted- an orange, grapes, or a cold Coke. 

I chose the orange.

I spent the better part of last night and all of this morning fretting over a boy.

Yep the one that has essentially cooled off and all but ghosted me. I don't know what qualifies as a ghosting - 24 hours? 

I'll just make that an official ghosting time frame.

It's funny because the more time that passes between contact the more I plan our life together.

Next I had to turn to the internet.

I have now diagnosed myself with either anxious attachment or fearful avoidant attachment.

I diagnosed him with avoidant attachment at the level of dismissive. Seems about right.

Turns out anxious attachment and avoidant are the worst pair. You don't say!

Even after falling down the stairs and being rejected by a Stranger, I couldn't muster more than a couple tears.

I really wanted to cry to get it all out, but there were no tears.

I took a walk instead.

I want to go everywhere and see everything.

I have to hurry because October means even cooler weather.

What I eventually liked about him:

- I think just seeing his active life 

- The idea of being part of a friend group again

- Being in downtown Raleigh. I parked near a city park and there was a live event happening. Just hearing the hum of other heartbeats. It was more alluring than I thought.

I haven't been able to muster the energy to do these things on my own.

Sometimes as caged as my rules make me, I'm so happy for them. I know I don't have to go out because I'm not really trying to spend any money this year. So it makes it easy that even if I feel bummed that I'm being a bit anti-social, I'm at least accomplishing other goals! 

It doesn't look like the needle moved much this month though despite my scheduled contributions. That's okay. It does tend to make me spendy - but that's how my trusty guardrails protect me once again.

Yes I spent nearly $100 on Amazon last night, but it's money that's already been allocated for Brain.

Yes, y'all! I finally gave in an bought a Wyze Camera for a makeshift doorbell cam. It was awesome.

And today when I went to open the window downstairs, I couldn't. I forgot I had used a tension rod as a window stopper! Yay, safety!

I'd been thinking now and then about moving away from Death House given all the Bugs that also live here and just the general lack of appeal and location of the neighborhood.

But these added security measures have lengthened my stay even if only temporarily. Guardrails, I tell you.

I think what I liked about the 40 Year Old was that I was right about my instincts - something felt off, nearing 'he's not that into you' territory. He'd been pretty straightforward up until then, but inevitably all the humans lie. 

Now I'm just curious to see how this all plays out. Questions for the gallery:

- Do I stay on the app? If so, how long - till end of September or till end of year? (Yes, I rejoined this morning.)

- When do I call it with the Stranger? Tonight at 9:30 (24 hours after my last text)? End of Sept? or End of Year?

- I'm obvi going to delete any trace of him. Do I delete my Google Voice number - end of Sept or end of Year? 

     - End of Sept seems like the cleanest break, but the holidays really do me in so I know there are future mistakes to be made there. And I'm running out of burner numbers. TBD I guess.

Le sigh. At the end of the day, the basic objective of the apps was to provide a distraction. Mission Accomplished.